Thanksgiving for lessons learned

Since learning the difference between thankfulness and gratitude, I’ve taken active measures to practice expressing my appreciation for the people and things in my life for which I am thankful daily.?

It’s been interesting the things that have made my gratitude list. Here are some examples:

• My family and friends
• My clients
• Weekends
• Finding an organizing system that works for me and my family
• My network
• Our Veterans
• Delegating
• The concept of Hygge

Yesterday was Thanksgiving here in the States and I’m thankful for a bittersweet reason. On this day 24 years ago, I lost my mom. While I am grateful to be surrounded by my family and friends while we share a holiday meal, I’m also?thankful to reflect on the woman I lost so long ago.

Back then, I was barely a 24 year-old new mom and just starting to admit that I did, in fact, need my mother’s guidance after years of teenage rebellion. The only loss in my life to that point was my grandfather, who was “old” to me and we were not particularly close.

A mom, however, is not someone you ever want to lose, but especially when you’re just starting a family of your own. But cancer didn’t care that I needed her, or that I was too young and inexperienced to navigate what it meant to be a daughter traveling the road with a dying parent.?

No matter what I thought I knew, I didn’t know what to do. I learned many things later, after the fact, but in the moment, all I knew was I couldn’t do anything. I was unprepared for doctors that had one foot out the door who spouted words like “you have to tell her to fight,” but never told me what she was fighting. I dutifully tried to follow their instructions but saw the light leave my mom’s eyes when we finally learned it was cancer. I wasn’t prepared for my anger at her that she gave up or my guilt and shame that I wasn’t a better advocate for her.

I walked away from her death with the messages that:

• We are each in charge of our own health and we need to be our own advocate.
• Doctors are human too. They know a lot but very few know how to interact with patients and their families.
• Be the squeaky wheel and ask the questions.
• Say the things while you can because you don’t know when that opportunity will cease to exist.

That last lesson I learned too late. It was hard spending time with my mom as she was dying. Watching the strongest woman I knew lose the battle for her life and being helpless to do anything about it was too much for my Pollyanna heart. At the end I was filled with guilt for all the things I didn’t do, the time I didn’t spend with her because it hurt too much and, all the “I love yous,” that didn’t seem enough.

For years after, I held onto that guilt and shame for being a “bad” daughter. It took a lot of time and work to realize that I hadn't been a bad daughter. I did the best I could with the life experience I had up to that point.?

Would I do things differently now? Absolutely! But I’ve had many years of life since then and learned how to process my feelings and grieve. I am not the same person as I was then because I was shaped by that experience.?

I’ve since lost my grandmothers and my step-mother, but I have no regrets now because I used the lessons from my mom to close the gaps in those relationships. I could let them go with love and grace.?

Every year, I reflect back on how far I’ve come. I still grieve for my mom, but the guilt and shame is gone. The woman I am now is grateful for that younger version of myself. She had to grow up so I could become the person I am today. I am grateful to the strong, smart, independent women who raised me.?

I’m grateful for letting go of all the guilt I held onto for so long. From this side of motherhood, I would never want my children to feel this way if I were gone. I would only want them to know how much they were loved and I know my mom would feel the same way. I am grateful for the years I had with her and I am grateful for her love.??

Thank you for letting me share.?

Part of being successful is letting go of negative and limiting beliefs that hold us back. Since being a “good” daughter and mother are important to me, I’ve had to let go of my limiting belief that I was ever a “bad” daughter.? It no longer serves me. I am who I am. I am grateful for the person I am.

As we celebrate Thanksgiving, the day would not be complete if I didn’t let you know how grateful I am for your readership.?

Warmly,

Rachael