Thanks, Priya! 15 lessons on better gatherings

What makes a meeting - whether it is for business or pleasure - truly special? A unique dynamic among participants? A special venue? A carefully planned agenda? Thanks to Priya Parker’s work on “The Art of Gathering” (TED Talk, Book), I transformed a gathering of my own, applying some of the fifteen lessons I derived from her work (you’ll find them listed at the end of this article). 

I recall vividly how I told my mom over lunch about Parker’s work and how it seemed important to clarify the purpose of her upcoming birthday event. Wait! Why would anyone need to define a purpose for something as straightforward as a birthday celebration?  

That is exactly what I thought - until my mother summarized her purpose in one simple word:

“Farewell.”

I had to swallow hard when I heard this. But what seemed to be a purpose more suitable for a funeral than for a birthday actually made perfect sense: She wanted to celebrate her 80th birthday in my grandmother’s villa that was up for sale after being in the family for a century. So it was clear that the remaining friends and family members her age would never meet like this ever again. 

With this clear purpose in mind, the ideas started flowing. So to “anchor your gathering in a meaningful purpose” did turn out to be my most consequential lesson from Parker’s work. And you would think that this was obvious to me, having worked as a strategy consultant for more than 20 years...but let’s get back to the gathering we had to plan:

“Farewell” meant to also celebrate the venue of so many family events just as much as the life of my mother itself. It meant to facilitate collective reminiscing as much as possible. Following Parker’s advice, we decided to prime the participants for the event. We sent them a letter together with a small set of photographs, all taken in and around the villa showing family and friends over a hundred years: 

One of these pictures had always fascinated me (the one in the second row, to the right): A Gatsby-esque snapshot of my great-grandfather with family and friends on the mansion’s tennis court, all dressed in white (the court had long been overgrown by the time I was born). And I started dreaming: What if we were able to capture the spirit of these bygone days by encouraging guests to come dressed in white? My mother was hesitant to impose on the guests, but the thought of enjoying an afternoon cup of coffee, clad in white, right there on the lawn that now covered the former tennis court, did eventually sway her. So we included a request to be dressed in a white top in the invitation. 

Parker encourages us to also embrace the “dark side” in our gatherings, so we explicitly referred to loved ones we had lost in recent years, both in the text and in the pictures. 

That’s when it hit me that this picture idea was worth expanding! So I started collecting photographs taken at the villa, showing family and friends, as well as iconic pictures of my mom throughout her life. Very quickly, I had compiled 500-600 photographs (using the powerful search functionality of Google Photos), but instead of presenting them electronically via display or projector, we decided to have them printed and strewn across all the tables on the first floor at the event:

You cannot imagine how this very simple trick transformed the whole gathering: Throughout the day, you would constantly see guests showing each other individual pictures, indulging in joint memories of happy times spent together. Later in the day, when people had gone through all the pictures on their end of the table, entire stacks of prints were exchanged. 

Similar to Parker’s “15 Toasts” format, I also wanted to encourage guests to share their memories of my mother and the place. I was prepared - again following Parker’s advice - to volunteer as co-host and share an even more personal story than the one I wanted guests to share. Alas, my mom did not want to force any guest to speak up, not even gently, so that part of the plan fell victim to her being a “chill host” (with a nod to Parker’s chapter 3: “Don’t be a chill host”). 

So there were some items on Parker’s list we did not implement at this gathering. We failed to fuse participants by having them step at least a bit outside their comfort zone. We avoided “good controversy” that also helps to make a gathering more memorable. 

The one thing I did create to help connect the younger generation with the elder family members is a kind of “tree of life” of my mom: It showed not only pictures of the places where she lived since her birth, but also branches for each guest, sprouting off where each guest had met my mother first. 

Then I randomly gave each younger guest a picture of another guest to be placed at the top of each branch, where an empty flower bloomed, ready to be filled with a picture of the guest/couple/family. This forced the younger guests to discuss both my mother’s life and her connection with the various other guests. 

Feedback for the event was enthusiastic! Granted, the gorgeous weather and the impeccable catering did help…

If you also want to benefit from Parker’s insights, I highly recommend reading her book. Then, the summary list below will make a lot more sense. (Unfortunately, LinkedIn articles cannot process simple tables, so I have to paste them in as a series of pictures.)

Use the following overview as a checklist, and I am sure your gathering will be just as transformed as mine was by Priya Parker's advice.