THANK YOU SWEDEN!

This piece reflects on a very special time in my life - living abroad in Stockholm, Sweden.? I? was there for just over four years from 2013 to 2017.? While this experience began over a decade ago, and was a relatively short period of time in the scheme of my 43 years, it remains one of the most formidable chapters of my life.? Moving there, most certainly, among the best decisions we ever made as a family.??

I have attempted to capture some of the most important lessons I took away from this experience, drawing especially on the parts of Swedish life that I miss or learned the most from.? It’s a longer read, divided into four parts.? You can skip around to the sections you are most curious about rather than endure the whole thing if you like!?

1.? Health and Wellbeing:? The Easy Way??

2.? We vs Me: Jantelagen

3.? Family First:? A Working Parent Utopia?

4.? Basics Done Best:? Nature, Connection, and Lagom

Writing this was challenging because I know my interpretation of life in Sweden cannot be 100% empirically correct.? It is only my version of the facts.? Told through the lens of my own life experiences and comparisons.? It is difficult to write about someone else’s culture.? If a foreigner wrote about living temporarily in Canada (my homeland) I believe they would get a lot right, but also miss a lot of context.? They might even get parts plain wrong.? Living abroad provides an understanding beyond the surface level of visiting or vacationing, but it can’t ever be the full picture.? There remains an aspect of being from somewhere that is difficult to transmute.??

To anyone Swedish reading this I apologize for all that I have missed or unintentionally misrepresented. I hope you can appreciate it for the attempt it is.? My distillation of bits of wisdom that have enriched my life, gifted to me as a visitor to your amazing country.??

From my heart, tack s? mycket Sverige!

. . .

In early 2013 my husband and I got an unexpected offer to work as expats in Stockholm, Sweden.? Prior to this moment we had given exactly zero thought to living in Sweden.? Nonetheless it didn’t take us even a minute to decide.??

Excited for this extraordinary opportunity we packed up our two young kids and went to celebrate at the only Swedish place we knew.? Ikea.? Over meatballs and lingonberries we wondered what life would look like over the next 18-24 months.??

Our Swedish adventure would end up lasting more than four years and be one of the most formative experiences of our lives.? This uncharacteristically impulsive decision turned out to be one of the best we have ever made.??

Living in Sweden taught me lots of lessons, many significant.? Looking back now, many years later, there is one that stands out above all the others.??

What impacted me the most was the realization of how significantly our environment shapes our life.? Before living in Sweden I had an understanding that our surroundings impact our lives, but I really did not appreciate the extent. ? Sure I had heard, and believed, all the general platitudes:

You are the product of the five people you spend the most time with. ? You rise (or fall) to the standard of the team you play on.? The rich get richer, the poor get poorer.? You are a product of your environment.? And so on.??

But I preferred to believe that, while my environment played a role, my personal actions were the driving force behind my accomplishments and life outcomes.? I was fit because I chose a healthy lifestyle.? I was successful because I chose to work hard.? Certainly personal accountability and motivation are important ingredients in outcomes, but living in Sweden showed me that social norms and our surrounding environment can greatly impact our behavior.???

Possibly the easiest way to change your life is to simply change where you live.

I didn’t arrive in Sweden with the intent to change any of my behaviors or habits. Yet, as time went on, I saw myself shift.? My new environment was shaping me.? Whether I liked it or not I was changing.? Little by little and then a lot by a lot.? And the driver was not me; it was everything around me.??

HEALTH AND WELLBEING:? THE EASY WAY

The most immediately obvious place where my new surroundings had a big impact was health.? Before, if I walked 10000 steps that would be a pretty exceptional day.? It would likely only happen if I intentionally exercised, probably by running on a treadmill.? I drove most places because driving was the most convenient form of transportation.? Now, living in a European city center, I walked and biked EVERYWHERE.? Why?? Because cars were really inconvenient whilst the bike paths and public transit were fantastic.?

In the US I ate takeout or processed food a few times per week.? Even though I tried hard to make healthy choices most of the time, food like this was so abundant and convenient.? Conversely, in Sweden we cooked nearly all our meals at home or ate at sit down restaurants that cooked fresh healthy food.? Why?? Because there were way fewer takeout or fast food options and processed food was incredibly expensive (about 5-7X the cost in the US).? For only a tiny bit more you could get a high quality restaurant meal, or for a lot less you could cook at home.? Convenience stores sold much smaller bottles of pop.? Only once did I see a refillable option for soft drinks at a fast food restaurant.? It was harder and less convenient to get my hands on the naughty stuff!??

I never set foot inside a gym or tried to diet once during my time in Sweden but it wasn’t long until both my husband and I needed smaller pants.? I found this pattern among nearly all the expats we met.??

The more time I lived in Sweden the more things that would have once seemed absurd to me felt normal.? Some of what used to feel normal suddenly felt absurd.??

I became used to strong coffee served in small cups with no sugar.???

When I went home to visit, Starbucks tasted like water and a “small” (Tall) seemed massive.? I was devastated when I couldn’t finish my beloved Pumpkin Spice latte - too sweet!? It seemed weird that everyone took their coffees to-go, rather than sitting in the cafe and enjoying it at a table with friends.???

I forgot that cheese was orange.??

In Sweden most chemical food dyes are illegal, so cheese is just a boring cream color.? When we would visit home our kids would freak out over the bright orange cheese.? Mommy, what is that?? Why is it that color?? Soon even I was questioning it…why is the cheese orange???

I adjusted to the fika lifestyle.? [Aka I learned to take breaks.]

Every Friday my team took a Fika break (usually coffee, cake and a chat) at 10am sharp.? I tried to skip the first one because I was finishing a presentation which I thought was more important than cake.? But when a colleague came to check on me, concerned that something must be wrong as I was missing fika, I realized my cultural faux pas and joined the team.? I came to enjoy our formal Friday fika, and informal anytime fikas, so much!? I wondered how I used to work full days without taking these refreshing breaks to connect and recharge?

I ate real lunches.? With people.??

Lunch breaks from 12-1 became the norm.? I ate a hot and hearty meal from a local restaurant almost every day.? When I first arrived I could barely digest the food because it was so heavy.? It was too full of natural fats and flavors with which my body was not familiar? [I was previously living on water-plumped chicken breasts, grocery store bread, kale smoothies, and 100 calorie Oreo snack packs].? But soon I craved these big sit down Swedish lunches.? I could barely remember what it was like to crush a Subway sandwich in 10 minutes alone at my desk while working.?

I got accustomed to slower, more formal dinners.??

I bought nicer plates and pretty serving dishes.? Sometimes even at home, just the four of us on a Tuesday, would set the table with candles and eat several courses.? Back in the US I attended a friend’s informal barbecue and it shocked me how thrown off I became watching everyone eat from paper plates while chasing kids and playing cornhole.? It felt so casual and chaotic!? [This was extra funny to me because the first time we hosted guests in our Swedish apartment we were equally casual.? At the time we didn’t even have a couch, just two giant bean bag chairs to offer as seating after supper.? My oh my, how quickly we can change!]?

I forgot that driving a car is a normal form of everyday transportation.?

Cars were inconvenient in the city so we didn’t have one.? In 2014 we bought a “ladcyclt” (a bike with a wheelbarrow-like contraption on the front) and proudly dubbed it our new SUV.? It worked to transport our kids, groceries, everything we could need!? Bicycles, walking, and public transportation were all so convenient when my drivers license expired in 2016 I wondered if I should even bother renewing it.? [I didn’t]. Why would I need a car? Talk about a mindshift driven by my environment!?

I remember the first time a colleague told me he was going to WALK home from dinner.? “It’s only about an hour and a great way to digest after eating,” he had said.? I was gobsmacked.? Yet a few years later I routinely walked home 40 minutes+ after a 10pm (22:00) summer meal. [If you want to read more about the power of walking... check this out: bit.ly/3S4Ic7K ]

I shopped more frequently and became aware of food expiration dates.

Unlike the US, fresh dairy and produce spoiled very quickly in Europe.? I could no longer assume a bag of spinach would last a couple weeks or a pint of milk could sit in my fridge for a month.? I assume there were less additives and preservatives so things had to be consumed faster.? The benefit of this was VERY fresh tasting food almost everywhere you went.? [We are heading back for a visit this summer and absolutely I can’t wait to sink my teeth into lots of fresh Swedish fare!] I quickly got into the habit of buying fewer things more often.? At first it felt inconvenient to not be able to go to Costco for a monthly stock up.? But soon, like everything else, these frequent shopping trips settled into a new and comfortable habit.??

WE VS. ME: JANTELAGEN

Being in Sweden felt vaguely reminiscent of living in Canada.? The group had an elevated importance relative to the individual.? I felt a quiet and unspoken respect for others across all social interactions.? A silent agreed upon covenant: my freedom ends where yours begins.? Rarely did I see anyone talking loudly on a speakerphone in public.? Transit queues were always neat and organized.? There is a Swedish word, Jantelagen, that has been part of culture for hundreds of years.? Essentially it means putting the success of the group before the accomplishments of the individual.? I experienced Jantelagen in Sweden in many ways.

I recycled like never before. ?

Unlike the US where we “kind-of” sort waste into different bins (with the occasional bit of garbage or unwashed container making it into the recycling), in Sweden everything is always properly washed and categorized. ? In the city you keep your recycling in your apartment until you can take it to a drop point by car or bike.? Recycling is SO much more work than tossing it as waste in your garbage but nonetheless EVERYONE does it.?

I enjoyed shared toys, bikes, and toboggans.??

At the parks it was common to have dozens of play things for children left out for communal use.? The selection was so impressive that when we went to our first playground we thought you had to pay to go in.? We amused and confused a nearby family by asking, “how much?” and “where do we pay?”? Even more incredible was that the toys were self-serve with no sign in/out or person in charge of managing them.? Everyone just trusted one another not to damage or steal them.? We later learned that our apartment building had a shared shed for gardening apparatus and another for household tools.? Both unlocked, of course.? Sharing was a way of life in Sweden!

I cleaned up after myself, always. ?

I never saw dirty dishes in a communal office sink in Sweden.? Not once.? After preparing lunch everyone took responsibility for cleaning up after themselves.? If the dishwasher was full, someone emptied it.? If the coffee pot was empty, someone washed it out.? I remember seeing the aftermath of a US lunch on a visit back to the States and being almost appalled.? There was styrofoam and dirty dishes everywhere and the silent assumption that the cleaning staff would handle it later that night.? I had to remind myself to be less judgy; this was something that I never would have batted an eye at before.?

I hid from my neighbors. ?

Ironically, while Swedes exude collectiveness and togetherness they also go to great lengths to avoid each other.? I learned that it is not polite to “drop in” on someone without an invitation.? Get-togethers are more formal and pre-planned.? Even running into your neighbor in the elevator is to be avoided!? It is more polite to wait in your apartment until you hear that the hallway is clear, then exit your home.? On the surface this seems insane (!), but I think it is actually rooted in this deep respect for others.? If it wasn’t part of your plan to see me today, I don’t want to disturb you.????

I learned the phrase “hitting the wall.” ?

Remember this was 2013 and way before talking about mental health had been normalized.? The Swedes were far ahead in this conversation.? It was almost commonplace to have a colleague going through burnout (which was referred to as “hitting the wall”).? The support provided to those in this situation was shocking to me.? Everyone was so supportive and understanding.? There was hardly any stigma.? The assumption was always that the person had worked too hard or the company expected too much. ? There was little judgment, just support.???

I followed the rules.

Swedes love rules and order.? I think it is a way of showing respect for others and for the systems that society has collectively agreed upon.? At work there was a policy that if you left your laptop in a car it must be secured in the trunk.? My first time driving with colleagues I remember being so impressed that every single person made a point to check if there was enough trunk space, such that everyone in the car could store their laptop according to the rules.? There were also unspoken and informal rules, again focused on personal respect.? No one in Sweden would even dream of cutting you in line!????

I became much more environmentally conscious. ?

Beyond recycling, Swedes were deeply concerned with our shared environment and strived to make EKO conscious choices consistently.? At work I learned EKO credentialing was a major aspect of most successful long term businesses, not a throw-away concept or nice-to-have addition to a short term campaign.? I learned, awkwardly, that to reduce water transportation, most liquids are concentrated.? How did I learn that you might ask?? When I poured myself an entire glass of fruit juice concentrate in our Danish office lunch room.? I wish I could have seen my twisted puckered face after that first big sip.? My colleagues had a good chuckle over that one!

. . .

Similar to the concept of Jantelagen, the underpinning of Swedish culture is a quiet, polite, and collective conformity.? There is a desire to not stand out too much.? Almost the opposite of the United States. While I think of myself as someone who quite likes to be perceived as “different,” not surprisingly over time, I found myself also yearning to blend in.? My preferences began to meld with that of those around me.??

Before moving to Sweden I would never have considered purchasing designer items.? Those high end brands were for other people. Not for me!? Yet the accessibility of posh fashion in Europe changed how I thought about it.? Nearly everyone I met carried at least one designer bag.? Living downtown I walked by Gucci and Louis Vuitton storefronts almost daily.? Frequent short travel trips landed me often in airports, again surrounded by designer shops.? My environment began to normalize high end shopping.? I left Stockholm with a small collection of fancy things I never before would have even dreamed of owning.??

Swedes also had a certain (higher) standard of personal grooming and presentation compared to what I was used to.? Spying someone in sweats or yoga pants at the grocery store was like seeing a unicorn.? Over time, I found that I didn’t wear those things outside my apartment either.??

When we were looking for a rental apartment our realtor kept pointing out furnishings from Svenskt Tenn, a popular Swedish design brand.? She told us that it is ideal to have 3-5 Svenskt Tenn pieces on display when showing your apartment, to make it more desirable.? I remember wondering why only this one brand?? Why would everyone want to have the same items as everyone else in their apartment?? Especially when there are so many amazing Swedish interior brands!? What about personal expression!? What about being unique!? ? Fast forward a couple years.? I was the proud owner of 2 Svenskt Tenn throw pillows and a set of their placemats.? I loved my “must have” Svenskt Tenn pieces as much as the previous version of me loved her yoga pants.????

The most popular clothing fashion was basic neutral pieces.? Soon I too had built a wardrobe of black, gray and white.? I remember a colleague agonizing over the decision of whether or not to wear a green dress to a work event.? The dress was beautiful and looked great on her.? But she would stand out in green!? As a recent transplant I was honestly baffled by why she was worrying about this.? Yet a few years later I only considered black when dressing for a work event.? Slowly but surely I kept adapting to my environment.

Why so much conformity?

I think the sameness of Sweden is driven by a few factors.? The first is less choice.? There are simply fewer options in Sweden.? At first I found this restrictive.? Only 5 flavors of jam at the supermarket?? How will I survive?!? Similar to groceries there were fewer options for clothing, health care, lunch menus, school, and almost everything else you can think of.? But it turned out I didn’t need an entire aisle of cereal options or pudding flavor choices.? I actually found it nicer to select a rain jacket for the kids when I only had 4 options to sort through.? Less choice turned out to be quite a relief!??

The second reason is an explanation offered to me by a Swedish friend.? He reasoned that Sweden is a relatively young country and people generally have smaller families.? This translates to less long standing familial customs and traditions.? To compensate Swedes have, over time, developed societal customs that mimic those of large families.? These customs - some quite odd including dancing like a frog around a pole at Midsummer, wearing lit candles on your head during Lucia, or eating candy only on Saturdays - foster a sense of shared experience and togetherness.?

Lastly, the Swedes have a word that I love and I think contributes to this collective togetherness. The word is “Lagom.”? Loosely translated it means “just enough” or “the right amount.”? In Sweden there isn’t the American desire to have more more more.? To Swedes lagom is more important.? When you aren’t trying to acquire extra things, there is less to differentiate you from the group.? You focus more on the basics. Naturally, life ends up looking more like most.

Fewer choices, shared customs, and lagom seem to build this sense of sameness and joy in conformity.? I think it also contributes to a societal level of belonging.

FAMILY FIRST:? A WORKING PARENT UTOPIA

Probably the most shocking cultural difference I found between the US and Sweden was the support provided for working parents and the overall integration of family and children into daily life.? I’ll try to highlight some of the policies and cultural norms that I found most impressive in the context of a few personal stories.??

Story #1:? “I am sorry.? He is too young for daycare.”

When we arrived in Sweden my son was eight months old.? As I started to look into daycare options I was shocked to discover he was too young to attend!? By American standards I had already been on quite a long maternity leave, far greater than the typical 12-16 weeks.? I hadn’t ever considered that daycare would not be an option.? Yet by Swedish standards it was almost unheard of to leave a baby this small in the care of someone other than the parents.? Most Swedish children spend the first year or two of life at home due to generous parental leave policies.??

**In Sweden parents are entitled to 480 days of leave per child!! This time can be split between the two parents if desired. ?[Most moms I knew took ~9-18 months and most dads ~3-6 months per child.? If the children were less than two years apart sometimes the leaves would overlap and therefore be even longer.]??

Trying to find a nanny that could gap the first few months until my son was ready for school was nearly impossible.? Nannies were not a typical form of full time childcare.? When they were used, it was often to manage the transition from after school through dinner time for older children.? A nanny or babysitter would pick the kids up from school around 3, take them to the park, and then deliver them home around when the parents were home from work around 5 or 6. Trying to find a nanny that knew how to give bottles and change diapers was incredibly hard. ?It was a relief when my son turned one and he could start to attend daycare with the other Swedish kids.??

**In Sweden daycare (dagis) is amazing and so affordable (about $80/month)!??

For less than the price of a daily latte, kids from 1-6 years old are provided an incredible early childhood education focused on life and social skills.? At dagis our kids spent 80% of their time outside in the fresh air exploring nature and socializing.? As they say in Sweden there is no bad weather, just bad clothes!? Lunch and snacks were healthy and freshly prepared.? There was zero processed or packaged food and sugar was typically not permitted, even on birthdays or special celebrations.? The kids enjoyed their (hot) meals together at a table with proper (not plastic) place settings while learning to eat with a (real) knife and fork.? At one and three years old my children had better manners than I did!? Our dagis staff was truly amazing.? Given the wage gap in Sweden is one of the lowest in the world, workers are more likely to choose a vocation based on interest versus potential income. ? Everyone who chose to work at our dagis seemed to genuinely want to be there.? It was a difference I could feel.?

While dagis was amazing, kids couldn’t attend when they were sick. ? Of course the Swedes had a solution for this too.??

**In Sweden working parents qualify for VAB, a program that permits up to 120 days off, per year per child, for sick care. ?

Story #2: ? “In Sweden we prefer that parents take care of their sick children.” [Aka Melissa’s cultural faux pas #361.]

My first week in the office I met another recent working-mom transplant from the UK.? She told me that in the UK they had an “emergency nanny” service that you could call when your kids are sick and daycare won’t take them.? She had noticed this didn’t exist in Sweden and proposed that her and I could spearhead setting this up.??

I thought this was a brilliant idea!??

The Brit and the American teaming up to make a positive impact on the lives of working parents in Sweden!??

As we started to canvas the Swedish working parents to drum up support for our great idea we were met with confusion wrapped in major cultural faux pas.?

One of my Swedish colleagues put it so elegantly and simply, “In Sweden we prefer that parents take care of their sick children.? When a child is sick, the parent is the best person to care for him.”

“Yes, but the parent has to work!”

“But work is not more important than caring for a sick child!? That is why there is VAB.”

I was dumbstruck.? Parents caring for their sick children.? What a concept.? I felt equally embarrassed and relieved.? One of the most difficult aspects of my first few years of parenthood in the US was managing when my daughter was ill.? Not just the logistics but also the guilt.? I realized that moving forward I would get to be home when my kids needed me.? Red in the face, I silently exhaled.??

Of course just because there is a policy in place doesn't mean that it is always easy to use.? Sometimes you have a big presentation that would be difficult to miss, or a boss that isn’t super supportive of workers VABing.? In this situation it was not uncommon to just bring your kids to work. ?

While I didn’t bring my children to the office often, it absolutely happened enough for them to know where my desk was, where the good snacks were, and the names of most of my closest colleagues.? Seeing a few kids in a huddle room watching TV, reading, or on iPads from time to time was pretty normal.??

Story #3: ? Parents:? Bring your child to work!? Children: Bring your parents home for the summer!

One of my most memorable kids-at-work experiences was an agency pitch I attended early on a Friday morning several years after my arrival in Stockholm.? The lead account person at the agency brought his sick 2 year old daughter with him and she sat on his lap for about 80% of the 3 hour meeting. ? A few of my colleagues from the UK had flown in for the presentation.? I’ll never forget the look of absolute shock on their faces as they watched this dad (seamlessly) stand up and pitch while simultaneously hip bouncing his little girl and wiping snot off her face.? You could have caught flies in their mouths. They were open so wide!? The funny part was that I thought my UK colleagues' reaction was odd. ? After this many years in Sweden I found the whole situation pretty normal.? Again, I found myself very adapted to my environment.?????

The other common childcare hurdle that working parents in the US face is how to deal with summer vacation.? In Sweden this was much less of an issue.? Typically offices close, or significantly ramp down, for the month of July as most locals take these four weeks off for vacation.? Right there that solves about half the summer child care gap!??

***In addition to the typical 4 week summer vacation, up to 96 days of parental leave PER CHILD can be saved for use between 4 and 11 years olds.??

Many Swedes, especially those with 2 or 3 kids, will use another few weeks of this parental benefit every August as additional vacation.? This leaves only a few weeks to solve with summer camps or visits to grandparents and such.??

The most wonderful part of this summer vacation culture is that workers are truly “off.”? I learned this very quickly having moved in May, just a few months before the annual July shut down.? That year we had a foreign American general manager and, like me, she didn’t really believe that folks would ACTUALLY be on vacation for this LONG of a period.? It must be an exaggeration, right??

To get clarity she sent around an excel sheet with everyone’s name and asked us to share which weeks of the summer we would be either: i) working ii) on vacation but reachable/available iii) on vacation but not reachable/unavailable.? Within minutes of the email going out, the office was buzzing trying to understand the request.? What was this option ii)?? How could one be on vacation but also be available? ?People really took vacations seriously and respected this boundary!? Of the five summers I enjoyed in Sweden I can count on one hand the number of times I was contacted while on vacation.???

. . .

Life in Sweden was so adapted to working parents and families.? Society was built around the assumption that both parents worked.? In addition to all the above “major policies” it was woven into the fabric and culture of everyday life.? Buses had stroller accessible ramps and were free for the parent pushing the stroller.? Airports had separate express lanes for those traveling with children.? Every doctor, dentist, social security, or other service-type office had a corner full of toys and activities for kids to use while they waited.? Grocery stores had mini-carts for kids to push alongside mom or dad while shopping.? The government offered rebates up to 50% for services to help manage the household i.e. repairs, house cleaning, babysitters etc.? Flex work was the norm - remember this was pre-COVID in 2013!? No one batted an eye if you left early to pick up your children from school then logged on later at night, or worked from home a day or two per week.??

Work and career were still very important, and most Swedes worked quite hard, but work felt like a key part of (not the center of) one’s world.??

Life and family came first.

BASICS DONE BEST:? NATURE, CONNECTION, AND LAGOM

To say life in Sweden was basic doesn’t feel quite right.? It was all too lovely to be basic!? The streets and taxis were cleaner, the quality of foods and fabrics higher.? A focus on aesthetics and quality showed up everywhere from well edited homes to furniture constructed to last.??

Yet at the core there was a simple functionality to it all.? A focus more on the fundamentals and less on indulgent conveniences.? Life had a sort of hardness reminiscent of my 1980s childhood.? I enjoyed the nostalgia.??

Vitamins had no sugar and weren’t in gummy form.? They tasted gross but you just dealt with it and swallowed.? Bedding was less plush.? Some hotels even expected guests to bring their own sheets. ? You wiped the counter with a washable rag, not a convenient disposable paper towel.? Higher prices subtly discouraged too much consumerism.? I found myself becoming more choiceful about what I purchased, leaning toward fewer but longer lasting, higher quality items.??

Kids were less supervised, allowed to play with tools and in creeks that would probably be considered too dangerous in the US.? Certainly we would have to at least sign a waiver!? They sat in nice restaurants and were trusted with real glasses.? On weekends more time was spent accompanying parents on errands than constructing a weekend built completely for the child’s amusement.??

Antibiotics were rarely prescribed unless you really needed them.? Costco sized Advil bottles were non-existent.? Pills were sold in small containers and generally only available at drugstores. ? Electrolytes were old school salt and sugar packages.? Hospitals covered all the basic needs but you wouldn’t expect a private room and a large screen TV.?

Learning the dental care system really brought this focus on basics and functionality to life for me.? When I realized it had been over a year since I had seen the dentist, in a panic I made an urgent appointment for a cleaning.? When I arrived I was told my teeth were not very dirty so there was no need to clean them.? Begrudgingly the hygienist eventually agreed to clean my teeth but then only charged me a fraction of the amount, as she didn’t have to do much work. [Apparently, I learned later, you pay more if your teeth are more dirty and less if your teeth are more clean.]? Confused, I paid my bill and I tried to make another appointment in six months.? I was told that my teeth were fine and to come back in a year or two, or when I felt it necessary.? This was all very strange to me at first.? But the more time I spent in this system, the more it started to make sense.??

It was sufficient.? Pretty nice even.? Enough (or maybe slightly more than).? Just right.??

It too was lagom.?

This quiet, almost invisible, underlying focus on fundamentals was not only present among Swedish goods and services but also in how I observed Swedes approach life overall. ? There was a clear choice to focus on what really matters.? Family.? Long term friendships.? Less things, more experiences. ? Nature was elevated, present everywhere from responsible interior design choices to thoughtful urban planning to outdoor schools. ? Universal health coverage, free university, subsidized child care, and social security were standard for all citizens.? Ample vacation time encouraged rest, connection and learning through lived adventure.? Building relationships and spending time with others was prioritized.? People seemed content to just be together even if they weren’t doing anything in particular, entertaining or productive.? The pace was slower.? There was more room to breathe.??

In Sweden I found a simplicity that has eluded me elsewhere.? Perhaps it was because I didn’t speak the language so I could tune a lot out! Or maybe it was just the early 2010s and things actually were more simple.? But I can’t shake the feeling it was more than that.?

. .

Perhaps the best example of a life of “just enough,” focused on the fundamentals, is the Swedish summer house.? Most Swedes have a family place where they spend at least a few weeks with relatives and friends every summer.? These homes are typically cute red wooden houses outfitted with just the basics.? Toilets are often outdoors and many sleep 4-8 people in a single room.? The focus is not on having a luxurious cottage.? It’s about getting outside and being in nature.??

“What are your plans for summer?” I ask.

“I am going to my summer house on the west coast of Sweden. ”?

“Awesome! That sounds so nice!? What are you going to do there?”

My friend pauses

“...well, you know, be at my summer house.”

“Yes I know.? But what are you going to DO at the summer house?”? [I am picturing jet skis, tubing behind a boat, maybe a rented bounce house or trampoline.]??

“Oh, you know, sit by the sea.”

Now it’s my turn to pause

“...yes, but… sit by the sea and DO WHAT?”

“Well I am not sure yet.? Mostly I love just sitting by the sea.”

I leave this exchange totally confused.? My friend was taking off for a five week vacation and her only plan was to “sit by the sea.”? Surely there must be more that she isn’t telling me!??

This was another invitation to better understand the delightfully slower pace of Swedish life.? A life that, from my point of view, is more concerned with the quality and wholesomeness of an experience over almost anything else.? Embodied perfectly by the classic summer house experience.?

That summer I took my first three week vacation since my honeymoon.? We booked a beautiful basic cottage on the coast to get our own taste of the Swedish summer house life.? We packed up two oversized suitcases, our one and three year old children, and crossed our fingers we would figure out how to pass the time once we got there.??

Like my friend we did a whole lot of very little over those three weeks.? We cooked, we picked raspberries, we napped.? We sat by the sea.? There were no nearby towns to day trip to.? No race car tracks or amusement parks to visit.? We just stayed at the summer house, absorbing the pace of unhurried life.? The first few days, honestly, were uncomfortable.? I felt understimulated.? But once I dropped into the slower mode of summer days I understood why my friend looked so forward to this special unplugged time each year.????

I think about that summer and the lessons I learned often, even now a decade later.? Every now and then when I steal a quick moment to just sit in the sun, or breathe in the hugeness of the giant cedar trees surrounding my landscape, I feel a special sort of nostalgic happiness.??

. . .

Of course it is not only when staying in summer houses that simple living, connection, and nature are prioritized.? These themes are present across many popular Nordic activities and culture.? Picnics are the national pastime driving thousands into parks to play games and eat with friends.? City-dwellers can own small plots within “allotment gardens,” greenspaces that were set up in the 1800s to give urban workers a place to go when they feel a need to recharge from city life.? Like much of Europe, people are constantly out and about enjoying fresh air, public spaces, and the camaraderie of their known and anonymous surrounding community.? Parks and cafes will flood with people on a nice day just “staring at the sun.”? In fact many parks in Sweden have chairs built at the ideal angle to the sun so that you can properly enjoy sitting in its warmth! ? ? Everyday life is elevated with so many clever little details like this, all working to enhance enjoyment and promote connection.?

Swimming, sauna and cold plunge are also long standing Nordic cultural traditions.? While these activities have been shown to be great optimizers of health, that didn’t seem to be the sole point of the practice by my observations. The ethos to me seemed far deeper.? These were again simple tools for connecting with yourself, being close to nature, and enjoying the company of others.? In these pursuits one could get lost in the be-ing of life; forgetting temporarily about the do-ing.??

Today these Nordic activities are huge trends in American wellness culture.? I recently listened to a US podcast explaining how to optimize your sauna experience to ensure you get the all authentic Finnish benefits!? First you must ensure your unit is the correct number of square feet! Then you must set it to the optimal temperature! But you can only get an accurate read if the thermometer is at chest height, no higher!? Then you must endure no more than 25 mins but no less than 20 mins per session! ?Clearly we are missing the point.? The benefits of sauna aren’t available only by detailed prescription.? They come through years of culturally shared experience.? It’s about family.? About laughter.? Bonding.? It’s the consistency of a ritual done twelve months per year over generations.? It’s about so much more than just getting beat with a birch stick!? (IYKYK).?

Trying to translate Finnish sauna culture to America is like saying the Danish word Hygge means cozy.? It does.? But it is also so much more than that.? These are the immutable things that become almost impossible to understand as an outsider looking in.??

. . .

On that note I will close in a similar vein to how I started.? By stating that I know I got much of this wrong.? What I got from living in Sweden wasn’t a perfect understanding of what it means to be Swedish.? I gained new life experiences that informed many lessons.? I took with me a new understanding of the importance of one's environment and a fresh perspective on how context really can change everything.? I experienced first hand that just as my body slowly adapted to tolerate stronger coffee and digest oily herring, my mind and lifestyle also shifted to reflect my immediate surroundings.?????

After living in Sweden I am much more thoughtful about where I choose to live and what I choose to surround myself with.? I believe these choices have a real impact on my life and that of my family.? I don’t rely as much on plans and personal willpower anymore.? My discipline can be better directed to creating an environment that supports my goals.? I understand now the easiest way to change my life is to simply change my environment.

While I learned some by observation, I learned most from the incredible people I was blessed to spend time with.? My wonderful, and I hope lifelong, Swedish (and Norwegian and Danish and Finnish!) friends were the foundation of everything.? They indulged my (so many) cultural faux pas, most of which I did not cover here (that could be a short novel!), allowing me to gain the humility through which I could? grow.? I truly cherish the time we spent together.?

Life abroad showed me that there are many different ways of doing things, most everything is subject to interpretation, and travel is a chance for adventure always worth taking. ? In the impeccable words of Mark Twain,?

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.”

Tack s? mycket Sverige!