The Unseen

Sometimes my dad sees things that aren't there. ?We can't see what he sees. We can't see the thing that makes him see things. Somewhere in his brain something is misfiring. Alzheimer's goes unseen but takes its toll in the physical world. ?When I look at pictures of my dad from just a year ago he seems almost robust and healthy compared to now, and I would have said the same thing the year before and the year before that.

?Yet, he is a remarkably strong man to endure the countless hospital trips, infections, illnesses and maladies that plagued him over the past year. ?He lost an unimaginable amount of weight and spent much time in bed. It still amazes me my that he can walk and stand, but he can. ?His grip, too, remains strong. ?I guess I shouldn't be surprised that a surgeon who practiced for 50 years would still have strong hands. ?I probably also shouldn't be surprised? that he'd still be keeping a grip on life despite declining physically. ?

This is the same guy who rode from Denver to Aspen in a day, a feat I still haven't accomplished. ?But when I look at pictures of him back in 1979 he looks strong. ?He always had drive and worked hard. ?His tenacity helped him outperform his natural talents. Reading and writing challenged him as a kid, and his spelling skills were the subjects of jokes at our house. But the man put himself through dental school at Columbia. ?He provided generously for a family of six. ?He lived with an intensity that burned bright and fast.

?I bought a National Geographic magazine with articles all about inflammation. ?One mentioned how stress can erode the telomeres, which are basically protective caps at the ends of our chromosomes, leading to cellular dysfunction. ?Damaged cells in the brain can start to act like zombies, ceasing to function properly and harming surrounding cells. ?On a microscopic level, the effects of this can be seen with biopsies, and over time the larger impact can be observed with a brain scan, but to the world the cause of a person's health deteriorating from Alzheimer's remains as unseen as the hallucinations that it sometimes induces in people it afflicts.

?My oldest daughter, always curious and now very into reading, picked up the magazine and started reading the article. ?We had a great discussion about it. We also discussed brain cells and how learning and practice makes the connection between brain cells stronger. There's a huge old cottonwood tree in Cottonwood near Parker, wrapped in lights year round. ?We drove past it and I told her to look at the shape of the tree. ?The trunk is thick and strong. That's like the brain cell connections that are very strong because they get used a lot. ?This is what happens when you practice music, or math, but also when you choose to see and think about things in a certain way. If your attitude is positive about the unseen or unknown, your tree of neurons that helps you face the unknown will grow strong. ?If you have negative thoughts or fear about uncertainty and unknown things, those neurons and the thoughts they create will grow strong. ?And when your brain is old and perhaps under siege, what parts do you want to be the strongest? ?How many of the different areas of your brain can you connect and suffuse with love, positivity, curiosity and passion? How can you find the passion in your heart and spirit to make developing this loving, positive, curious, passionate brain an enduring top priority that gives, rather than consumes, energy?

?I ponder the this, and ponder the unseen a lot. ?When I think of the unseen forces of mental decline I look for patterns writ large that can reveal the shape of course of an invisible malady. ?Stress is invisible but the arc of stress' effect on a person can be traced over time. Intense people often handle a lot of stress. ?They often exhibit amazing drive and dedication, but can also experience burnout and disassociation. ?I saw my dad struggle and thrive over this life. He had ups and downs, but was a runner, a golfer, an amateur astronomer, an avid reader of books on astrophysics, and an amazingly dedicated father.

?What more could he have done, I sometimes wonder, to stave off this disease? ?Is it just an inevitable part of aging and genetics? ?Will it hit me too despite my best intentions and preventative measures? ?I have two young daughters who will be under 40 when I'm his age. ?This thought... it gets in my head.

?Over a year of thinking about this has lead me to believe that trying to predict the future or trying to find a magic formula for avoiding disease is not the way. ?I do try to live healthy, manage stress, keep those telomeres in tact, and make prudent plans for a probable future so my family can survive comfortably. ?But the stress of trying to ensure that comfort, and the paternal drive to do this, is one area where my new thinking has brought some revelation. I focus on providing for my family, but not just financially. I strive hard to provide for their safety and comfort, but too much comfort is a bad thing. ?Too much security can be stultifying. ?Financial security no doubt has a major impact on people's success rates if you look at things statistically. ?Yet, too much financial security can sap drive and cause a person to languish. ?I want to be sure I provide my daughters with wisdom, courage and morals more than any other things. ?I think providing those lessons in a safe and secure home is both good and doable, and I strive for that, but I know that at some point in life when things looks really down, their brains and emotions may cause the lessons learned in comfort to feel distant or inauthentic, and that is when I want them to have positivity hardwired into their consciousness, even in the face of hardship, loss, uncertainty and frustration. I want them to remember that their dad and their grandfather took some crazy hard bike rides through the Colorado mountains, didn't always reach their destinations, got cold fingers, got dehydrated, got flat tires, had shoes fall apart, had to juggle training, a job, and life, and kept pedaling. And I want them to know, as sure as they know they exist, that they too have that unwavering drive in them.

?The battle against stress contains many setbacks and requires many strategies. ?Remaining open to growth and change helps. ?Having hope and faith does too. ?But it ultimately requires choices from us. We make choices many times a day. We chose how to react, how to prepare, whether to endure and whether to change our plans.

?The forces that play upon our minds and bodies as we make these choices remain unseen. ?Only the arc of time and the cumulative effect of our decisions can reveal a path and a shape to our life, and bring the unseen into view with the power of reflection. Reflection, like memory, is influenced by the circumstances affecting the person doing the reflection. ?A life pondered looks different from different angles. ?A life lived with courage and passion will look most beautiful. ?It will show flaws. It will be etched by fear and failure, but its roots and trunk will be strong and sturdy, even if gnarled and stunted in places. ?We are growing and nurturing our tree daily, even moment by moment. ?Our will and our spirit are the unseen force helping to shape the tree and have it grow sturdy against the constant unseen forces of stress and time.

The training for my upcoming ride never really ended after last year's ride, but it ebbed and flowed and consisted mostly of running in the cold this winter. ?Now the bike is back in focus again. ?The training for life has never ended either, and I need that now as much as ever. ?The ride and preparing for it will, if done right, be training in character, strength, innovation and resilience. ?I ride to be a better person, a better co-worker, a better son, a better husband, and a better father. Most of the benefit will come in the unseen hours on my bike alone, or on my rollers in the basement, but the choices made in those unseen hours will propel me forward and I can feel the wheels turning with each decision to re-engage fully with training for this ride.

?This year I will be joined by at least one a good friend and former teammate from my Princeton Track and Field days. ?Let the journey ?continue...