A test of "first rate intelligence"

That two ideas can exist simultaneously is a psychological conundrum of "epic" proportions.

According to F. Scott Fitzgerald (not a psychologist, but gosh he could write!), in his 1936 Esquire article The Crack Up :

“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.”?

“Cognitive dissonance” - or the holding of two opposing concepts in one’s head at the same time - can be a real mind-bender. It’s uncomfortable. It may feel mentally chaotic.

And now for a series of AND statements about me:

• I love the heat of summer AND I don’t like overheating (at all).?
• I love really spicy food, AND do not love when the food is so spicy I can’t taste anything (or it rips up my guts).?
• I love staying up late, AND I really don’t love feeling tired in the morning.?
• When I've meditated, I've attempted to "clear my mind," and in focusing on clearing my mind ... I've filled my mind right up! (That's more ironic, but stay with me ...)
• AND like Fitzgerald, I can feel hopeless AND hopeful all at once (in fact, the hope is sometimes the only thing that gets me out of the hopeless state).

All these things can BE without negating the other.

The same goes for love.

Love isn’t something I fully comprehended before I became a parent. The sensation of truly connecting with my husband was amazing. Clearly I adore my parents. I have a deep devotion to friends who I also really, truly, and very deeply love. I love music.

But this love for my kid, this all-encompassing, do-anything-for-her, nearly feral love - this is something altogether new for me.

AND I can feel this love while simultaneously wanting to run in the opposite direction because she’s said “mommy” for the 843rd time on a Saturday or she clearly NEEDS the nap (but won’t nap), or we have a really hard bedtime.

I can love her and not be stoked about some moments. In those hard times my husband has a habit of reminding me that “we wanted this,” which is a point (I suppose) but it doesn’t make room for this cognitive dissonance.?

I can love getting down on the floor to play AND also feel like I’d rather read my book. I can fully embrace being a mother and everything that entails (the life-changing, the responsibilities, etc.) AND miss how my life used to be.

I’ve chatted with a lot of women at or near (but under) my age who are still childless and aren’t sure if “now is the time.”?

In each case I flout social norms and provide this unsolicited advice: You won’t ever be ready because having an infant is bananas. But that’s not what’s really hard - it’s how dramatically everything changes (perspectives, your body, your friendships, your relationship with yourself/partner/friends, where you can go, how you get there, finances, etc.) and how far from “self” you may find yourself.?

None of this is bad, per se, it’s just different, and it's important to be in a mental place of acceptance.?

By the time I made a baby, I had lived a very lively 15+ years. I’d experienced a lot of things and seen things and met people. I was ready in the sense that I had danced all night (a gazillion nights) and skinny dipped and tasted things and looked inside and really wanted to make a human with my partner. Was that being ready?

I DO wish I had traveled more pre-kid. Actually, I regret that I didn’t travel more. But I really don’t regret how much I lived.?

The truth is, regrets often present themselves as cognitive dissonance. Reflecting on decisions, we're faced with pesky hindsight that makes everything seem SO much clearer. Sometimes we can't justify the disconnect. AH the dissonance!

If you’ve made it this far in this meandering piece, I hope you take these two things from it:

1. Cognitive dissonance is okay AND you can embrace it;?
2. Embracing the mental chaos that cognitive dissonance presents can lead to growth (and can arm you with some really great "unsolicited advice" opportunities!)

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