Tesla and Twain

Two extraordinary people, Nikola Tesla and Mark Twain. What about this curious couple? I’m about to tell you a true, but craptastic, story about how Tesla made Twain soil himself.

Before we dive in, these two men were born in a show of biblical-like tales. Tesla was supposedly born during a horrific thunderstorm, a perfect foreshadowing of his future work with electricity. The midwife present at Tesla’s birth said that Tesla would be “troublesome” and a “child of darkness”, to which Tesla’s mother replied, “no, he is a child of light.” She couldn’t have been more right.

Twain had his own natural phenomena when he was born. During the night Twain’s mother was in labour, Halley’s Comet was in conjunction and lit up the dark sky. What is more brilliant is his exit from life, as he famously said “now there are these two unaccountable freaks; [the comet] they came in together, they must go out together."?And that he did. Remarkable.

Time to discuss Twain’s stains. Tesla loved to show off his inventions and Twain loved to experiment with his inventions, and it just so happens that Tesla gifted Twain an “Earthquake machine.” Sounds pretty dangerous but fear not, it’s not a literal planet-tearing apocalyptic super-weapon, it’s a high-frequency oscillator.

So, these two boys were very close to each other and in the past Twain had complained to Tesla about his problems with constipation. Now Tesla being Tesla, he set about a cure and if you’re thinking about the Earthquake machine, yes, that is exactly what Tesla used.

Twain stood on a disc and before the machine was switched on, Tesla warned Twain that he can only stand there for a few moments and that he should listen to Tesla, no ifs or buts. After all, this is science.

The switch had been tripped. Electricity floods through the cables. The disc begins to vibrate. There would be electricity crackling in the air around Twain with a very pleasing sensation.

Twain loved it, he exclaimed that it was like a massage and so he threw himself around the disc dancing. Stern Tesla then tells Twain to stop dancing but Twain ignores him – because he’s Twain. He then again ignores Tesla when he was told to step away from the disc.

Twain just loved the static harmony of the electric field pouncing around him but his arrogance would backfire hilariously.

It all suddenly goes to crap – literally. Legend has it that when Twain felt the flood gates opening, he acrobatically leapt out of the disc, tightened his butt cheeks with all his might and shouted “Tesla! The water closest! Where is it?”

And that is how one great man made another great man soil himself in the name of science. You know what people say, it’s all poo and giggles until it’s only poo and no more giggles.

What’s more hilarious about this piece of history is that Twain wore a full white suit that day, and now it’s part brown.

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