Terminal Uniqueness

You see that chewed up piece of garbage pictured above?

That was my favorite Christmas ornament.

It was a dinosaur ornament I was gifted as a child. It is the oldest object I still have in my possession. Well, had. It's in the garbage now.?

Tonight was a bittersweet night in general. My alma mater, Canton South High School, finished a 14-0 season with a run in the high school football playoffs to the state semifinals, losing their first game to a very tough Cleveland Glenville team. Now they’re 14-1. Hell of a year. But I know that those kids, despite being the best team in the history of the school, had the longest bus ride home they've ever had tonight.

My ride home was better than theirs, but I walked in the door to see my dinosaur ornament chewed to pieces on the floor. Many thoughts went through my head, but the one that stuck with me the most was, “This would happen to me.”?

Emphasis on the “ME.”

Like the kids on the football team probably felt to some degree, like people with depression often feel, and like most people will feel in their life at some point, I felt alone. Not alone in the sense that I didn't have anyone here. My family is sleeping peacefully upstairs. More like the sense of aloneness where no one understands.

It's terminal uniqueness.

Terminal uniqueness shows up quite regularly in the therapy office. Clients who engage with this mindset find a problem for every solution.

“I am suffering in a way that others haven't experienced so they can't understand.”

“Even though those ideas helped someone else, they won't help me.”

No matter how it's expressed, it really is just a belief of personal exceptionalism that helps us hold on to our sadness. But because it is a belief, it is not as simple as telling someone they are wrong to think that way. If you think it is that simple, please let me know how many times you've successfully changed someone's political beliefs by arguing with them.

I had a generally good day today, that ended with a minor loss of a sentimental object, but my mind was quick to convince me the day was fully bad and no one has to deal with the things that I do.

Despite the massive, season-long evidence to the contrary, the football players walking off the field tonight looking disappointed and depressed.

We all engage with this thought or feeling at some point. No one can know what we are going through.?

Depression is notorious for this kind of thinking. But the reality is that for many years, depression was considered the common cold of the mental health industry. Historically about 1 in 5 people experience depression every year. About 50% of people over their lifetime will? have a major depressive episode. I’m sure those numbers have gone up. It’s amazing that one of the most common negative psychological experiences makes us feel as though we are uniquely alone.

I experience it many days in running a business. Running a business is hard. It’s hard in ways most employees never see. You work early and late. You get paid last. That’s assuming you get paid this month. You likely make less than your full-time employees for several years while you get the company up and running. You invest everything: time, money, energy, talent, skills, and emotion. Oftentimes, you empty your bucket completely while people who work for you won’t always appreciate your sacrifices and will demand more of you. Your customers will do the same. It can feel like you are completely alone.

If you’ve not had the experience, I recommend group therapy. Group therapy is powerful in connecting with others through shared experiences of suffering. It helped with my addiction. It looked very formal and involved two therapists when I was going through that. Since I’ve become an entrepreneur, “group therapy” looks very different. I have made it a point to intentionally seek out successful entrepreneurs in my community and invite them to coffee or just to talk.?

We don’t necessarily lament our experiences, nor do we sit down and solve specific problems together. We do sit and talk and share in an honest and open way.?

We actually connect.

It turns out that I’m not that unique. Certainly not in a terminal way. This is true in addiction. It’s true in my experiences building a business. It’s true when I get home at midnight to find my favorite ornament on the ground, completely decimated.?

The reality is that we all suffer. But nobody needs to suffer alone.

There is no easy answer to feeling down or overwhelmed, but there is reprieve, and it’s called connection. Connect with someone new or old today. Reach out. Send that text you’ve been meaning to send. Make that phone call you’ve been avoiding. Don’t make your world smaller in hopes that it feels easier to control. You are definitely not alone. You couldn’t be less alone as it turns out. Connect with someone and don’t wait to do it until you feel ready.?

This is my new therapy. I highly recommend it.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. Go Buckeyes!?

If you want to connect, just message me on here. Email me at [email protected].?

If you need actual therapy, call our business at 330-826-1430.