The term 'work family' might actually be accurate. Let me explain...

I know what you're thinking. Work family is an outdated term that tries to make your job seem like it's full of close connections, love, and support. It's a way to feign belonging and make work seem like it's all rainbows and daisies.

And I agree. The term work family is used as a form of toxic positivity, washing away the complex challenges that are unique to this environment.

But what if 'work family' is an accurate way to describe unhealthy work places? What if unhealthy family dynamics actually closely mirror those in an unhealthy team? Let's explore this idea together.

We Are Family

As a therapist with over 12 years of experience helping to shift family dynamics, and as a keynote speaker and consultant who helps organizations to create healthy, high performing work cultures, I can tell you that unhealthy workplaces have many commonalities with dysfunctional families.

Bosses Are Like Parents

Many people think that parents give unconditional love and grace, and they are supposed to, but in my experience, the reality is often quite different. Dysfunctional parents and bad bosses can both be demanding, have high expectations, reprimand you, or even abandon you, if you don't do what is being asked of you.

Some parents will kick you out or withdraw their support if you don't fall in line, sending you off on your own to figure out where to go from here. I've seen parents send their kids away to residential programs because they talked back too much or got in too much trouble at school. They lost their tolerance for their child, and simply gave up, hoping the program would "fix" their child.

Bad bosses will do the same thing, and the lack of flexibility is jarring. They won't try to coach you, have patience and understanding, and work with you. They'll just discard you and expect you to go elsewhere because their regard for you is conditional. If you question them, don't do as they say, and fall behind on your tasks ie. get in trouble too much, they'll just let you go instead.

The feelings when you are let go from a job are often similar to when a parent withdraws from a child. The rejection and abandonment are painful, and these experiences create wounds that shape the future.

Unhealthy parent-child dynamics also include a lot of denial and secrecy. Feelings are invalidated and ignored, and decisions are made behind the scenes without getting any input from the family unit.

Unhealthy boss-employee relationships also include denial and secrecy. Stress and overwhelm are often chalked up to an employee's poor organization or not being able to "handle" the work, and there is a lack of transparency in decision making.

These traits lead to distrust and breed resentment, leading to disconnection.

Colleagues Are Like Siblings

If you've ever had siblings, you know that sibling relationships can be complicated. It's a like/dislike relationship.

Sometimes, siblings are people you like spending time with because you feel better after venting about your parents or your relationships. They get the struggles because they are in with you.

But other times, you dislike them because they're competitive with you and tattle on you, creating tension within the family system.

Your colleagues can be the same way. Sometimes, colleagues are a good source of support and create a space to process work dynamics. It's a relief having someone who gets it by your side because they're experiencing it first hand.

But other times, colleagues can seek to undermine you because they're vying for the same opportunities as you. I've had team members tattle on me to the boss when I was running 5 minutes late to work because they knew the boss cared about punctuality. Any opportunity to sabotage was a chance for them to have a leg up.

The pettiness is very real and toxic work environments set up a dog-eat-dog dynamic. The people who you think you can trust can also turn on you at the drop of a hat.

This left me feeling isolated and distrusting of those on my team. I thought to myself, "If one person could behave like this, who's to say others on the team aren't like this too?"

From Unhealthy to Healthy

The good news is that these dynamics can change, but it requires an investment. Just like therapy can help dysfunctional families gain the skills to become functional, intervention can help unhealthy workplaces to become healthier.

Change requires buy in throughout the organization. The people at the top need to be willing to engage and learn new ways of leading, and this requires humility and self-awareness. Middle managers and employees need to also be committed to change because the team dynamics play a critical role as well.

Too often, leaders drop their problems onto a consultant, expecting them to fix it, just like the parent who drops off their kid at therapy expecting the therapist to fix issues without taking a look at themselves. Outsourcing responsibility does not work.

Leaders at all levels need to be involved in the change process, as it re-establishes trust through action.

How To Shift Dynamics

1. Coach or remove toxic superstars who drag down the rest of the team. These are the folks who are high achieving but sabotage, bully, or undermine others. Unfortunately, these are the people who often get promoted, but the cost of keeping them on the team far outweighs the benefits of their performance.
2. Leaders and managers need to use the AVP framework. Acknowledge that there are issues, Validate the teams' experiences, and Plan concrete change with supports like consultants to repair the damage that is done.
3. Leaders need to learn how to be in tune with their teams' needs. They need to be able to connect with curiosity, compassion, and candor. Employees need patience and understanding when they are struggling, and leaders should work to identify the underlying drivers of those struggles, including examining the way that they are leading.

Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

Unfortunately, homeostasis is often comfortable, even if it is dysfunctional. Many organizations would rather have high turn over, high rates of burnout, and high levels of disconnection than address the issues at their roots.

Just like loyalty is not always appropriate in unhealthy family systems, loyalty is also not appropriate in an unhealthy workplace.

Sometimes, when our families decide to stay stuck in toxic dynamics, and we have to set boundaries, up to and including distancing ourselves from them.

If you're in an organization that refuses to change, then you may have to make the difficult choice to leave. It is not worth sacrificing your mental and physical health trying to be a martyr.

One person cannot be the impetus for changing an entire system, so cut your losses and cut them out.

I'll be posting insights every 2 weeks, so stay tuned for more! Invite your network to follow this newsletter, and let me know in the comments if there are any topics that you'd like me to cover.

If you're a people leader or if you know of people leaders and event planners who would like their organizations and audiences to work well and live well, have them reach out to learn more about my keynotes and workshops.