A tense situation

Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense...

You've probably heard this joke before. Maybe you smiled or even laughed, or maybe you just thought it was a bit silly. Explaining a joke is never a good idea, but how about analysing the situation behind the joke? In this case, it has everything to do with explaining tenses and making English grammar easy. 

If you look at the names of tenses as recipes for verb forms, then the constituent parts are the ingredients. So let's take a closer look at the two kinds of Tense ingredients in the recipe: Time + Aspect.

All tenses have either Present or Past as a basic ingredient. Without additional flavours, the recipe is Simple: pure Present or pure Past. Simple is called an Aspect, but you might as well say that it's a way of showing that there is no Aspect, leaving only a basic ingredient. No matter how you choose to define Simple, this is its most important quality: it doesn't mix with other aspects.

As soon as you start adding more ingredients, the recipe is no longer Simple and becomes complex instead. The Continuous and Perfect Aspects are such extra ingredients. They each add a special flavour to verb forms. Since Future is not a basic ingredient like Present or Past, logic dictates that it must be a special one, an Aspect. This completely changes the situation behind the silly joke. 

No wonder it was a tense situation! There were too many of them and Future had no business walking into a bar in the first place. Future ís a bar, as are Simple, Perfect and Continuous. Past and Present are their thirsty customers.

Simple is a stand-alone waterhole – hence the name Simple. 

Future, Perfect and Continuous are adjoining establishments with interconnecting doors, allowing them to cater for various occasions. They each occupy their proper place, but may also join forces as a Perfect-Continuous saloon, for instance, or a Future-Perfect lounge.

There are strict house rules, though. No matter how extensive the bar, Past and Present may only come in one at a time. So only incorrigible drunkards would ever try to order a Past-Present-Future-Simple-Perfect concoction – and ought to be barred.

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