Ten years ago was my first day in Federal Prison. Here is my journal from that time.

9/2/14

Happy tears sweetly flow down my cheeks as I get dropped off 1/4 mile from the prison's front doors. Two sets of building sit on opposite sides of the road. Camp was clearly on the left as there were not fences and no barb-wire razor fences. A large sign with an arrow pointing to the right read SELF SURRENDER. 'Ok' i think, 'i know where i have to go.'

Symbolically, I felt the need to start this experience by walking in alone. I've had so much support leading into this moment. While i knew i'd remain surrounded by love during my stay, for the next year a sense of aloneness and self-reliance was both important and comforting.

Some journeys simply need to be taken alone and this was one of them.

"Name," the officer barks as i walk through the door.

'Ok' i think, it's started.

"Eric Plantenberg," i gently reply. Purposefully not mirroring his tone.

"Ok, sit on that bench outside the door until you are called," he commands.

Stepping back outside the building to sit down, i wonder 'Am i technically in captivity yet?'

The air is calm. Beautifully formed clouds float in small patches amidst a bright blue sky. The the perfect summer day.

My focus drifts from the clouds, trees and rolling hills as i notice my heart pounding around 100 beats per minute. Sitting there on that bench, my heart is acting like i've just raced across an airport to avoid missing the last flight home. Interesting.

Breath. Take it all in.

I don't feel afraid, yet my hands are trembling as i try to unfold a wrapper to ditch my gum. 'Notice what you notice,' i think to myself.

A handful of minutes later i'm called in, lead through a metal detector and escorted through the first of many locked doors. No bars, just solid metal doors heavily bolted.

"Wait here," he barks at me again, letting me into a small room with a L-shaped concrete bench filling in the back corner. I look at the concrete bench i'm sitting on and think 'This is kind of like The Lot back in Bend, just without the beer, all my friends and the amazing vibe.' My audible laughter bounces off the concrete wall. Then i notice my pulse still racing around 100 bpm and my hands are still trembling.

Breath.

Three breaths later my eyes close, the mind quiets and meditation flows through me like a warm breeze. Over 30 minutes later the office asks, "Are you ready?" Not believing i have a choice i reply, "Yes."

"Remove your clothes," he directs, after we enter an adjacent room. Following a non-invasive visual search he tosses me light beige boxers, pink socks and a pink T-shirt. Of course i think, 'apparently Pink is really the new black." Just after slipping in my Pink XXL t-shirt that hangs to my knees he tosses me a yellow jumpsuit that reads SHERIDAN FEDERAL DETENTION CENTER. Walking to another room i think, 'Huh... this isn't what the Bureau of Prison's website described.' I was expecting forrest green pants and t-shirt ... more of a park ranger look than flamboyant convict garb.

Shuffling through some papers and avoiding eye contact the officer says, "There is no room at the Inn."

Does that mean that i get to go home? I silently joke to myself.

"What does that mean?" is my serious question.

"It means that camp is full."

"Ok, then where do i go?"

"You're off to the detention center until a bed opens up. The camp is full as fuck right now, you're number four on the list."

My mind travels to the image of the grey building surrounded by endless rows of razor wire and two layers of fences. Small vertical windows granting slits of natural light into small grey cells. My picture of the low security "cup-cake camp" i think i'm going to vanishes. I blame my intuition for my racing heart. 'What else aren't you telling me?' i ask my intuition.

I immediately muscle-test, 'Am I in physical danger?' A 100% clear NO calms me slightly.

"Any advice?" I ask the officer.

"Don't get caught up in the bull-shit."

"How long should I expect to be there before transferring to camp?" I ask.

"Who knows. It's been busy as fuck at the camp lately. Couple of days to a couple of weeks I imagine. They're not letting anyone into camp for a while now. It's just too full."

My mind travels to Mae and Edj. The next closest camp option was 8 hours from Bend. Gratitude fills me as i'm so thankful to be this close to them and to friends. A couple of weeks in the Detention Center seems a fair trade to be so close to my kids.

"Ok, i'm really grateful to be here," i reply.

Clearly noticing my sincerity the man gently smiles and replies, "Let's get you to your new room then."

Locked doors open to a long hallway. More locked doors. At the end of a second long hallway i'm issued a bed roll. Two pink sheets, two pink blankets and two pink towels.

We enter cell block J1 just after 4:00pm which for me was perfect because everyone was still on lock-down from the 4:00 count.

I'm lead to the near corner on the northwest side of the commons, cell 143. The officer uses a massive key to create a loud clang as the lock opens. The heavy metal door swings open. The first thing i notice is the vertical window 5 inches wide with rows of barb-wire flowing behind it. The door slams loudly behind me. 'I'm really in the slammer now' i think, amused at the memory of a co-worker saying for the past two weeks that i'm "off to the slammer!"

There are three metal beds, two of them being bunk beds. A dark-haired man of about 60 years is sitting on the lone bed reading. The top and lower bunks are both empty, so i throw my stuff on the top bunk.

"Hello," I offer as a greeting.

"Hi," is his only reply. Silence fills the cell.

A high back plastic chair sits on the side of the room between the bunk beds and the sink. A toilet can't be missed right next to the sink adjacent to the door. The three person cell is 8 x 10. I'm glad there are only two of us here now.

I settle into the chair and find my breath. My heart's rhythm continues at double it's usual resting pulse. I sit with it and close my eyes. A deep blackness overtakes the bright fluorescent lights and i feel like i'm floating in outer space. Weightless. Formless. No mantra. No directions from me. David Whyte's poem Tilicho Lake begins to be recited by a warm voice inside my head.

"In this high place it is as simple as this. Leave everything you know behind.

Step towards the cold surface, say the Old Prayer of Rough Love and open both arms.

Those who come with empty hands will stare into the lake astonished.

There, in the cold light, reflecting pure snow, the true shape of your own face."

A warm shower of calm pours over my entire Being. The words repeating over and over.

"Leave everything you know behind."

A wave of Bliss.

"Those who come with empty hands."

Peace fills the room.

"The true shape of your own face."

Stillness...

The stillness is broken by the loud unlatching of the door's lock. "Lower tier. Dinner time." echoes through the commons.

The entire meal time saga will have to wait for another day as there are many words to use to do justice to those moments. for now i'll say that first night's dinner educated me on the race territories, gang situation and pecking order of our meals. All good things to know how to navigate! And, No; i haven't gotten my ass kicked (yet), and No i didn't eat the hot-dog looking like thing that was for dinner the first night.

Six o'clock the next morning, my first morning locked up, i'm startled by a loud wrap on my door. "Medical," the guy calls out as he unlocks the door. Chewing a large wad of tobacco, the medic says "follow me, I need to clear you to work."

Running through a litany of questions about my health history, medications, drug use and current ailments; he stops mid sentence to look down at the equipment reading my pulse and blood pressure.

"Holy shit. Your heart's barely beating. Does 49 seem right to you?"

"Yes," i reply, "What's my blood pressure?"

"Ah... 103 over 70."

"Thanks," i smile "it's going to be a great day."

And it was.

September 2024

Sharing this journal with friends and family, and then publicly has brought up a lot of gratitude, anger, acceptance and disappointment. If i've learned anything it's that emotions are normal and they are powerful. They set the tone for what happens next.