Ten things I gained from becoming a mom during a global pandemic

Who knew that on March 13, 2020, all our lives would be interrupted by a virus? For me personally, I was already embarking on a life change with the birth of my daughter on January 11, 2020. I prepared in all the ways we know how but absolutely nothing could have prepared me for what was ahead. While on maternity leave digesting my new role, recovering from a cesarean, and learning to breastfeed… I was blindsided by the COVID-19 pandemic. Recently I took time to reflect on those three years.?I remember my friends with kids felt badly that my ‘new mom’ time was spent alone in ‘lock down’ without help. I remember not really comprehending that loss because I was so deep in the weeds. Motherhood is complex yet working motherhood is muddled with doubt and judgment baked deep in our societal norms. The global pandemic exasperated the challenges of all parents – especially moms. I was underwater with the added pressures of lock-down, working remotely, and supporting my career-pivoting husband. I have worked harder in these last three years than I ever thought I could. I worked harder on myself, my family and my career. Finally – the crisp air of relief has come, and I have a moment to reflect and share the ten things I’ve gained from my struggles. As all great parents have heard a million times – “you?can't?go over it - you?can't?go under it - you have to go through it ,” from the killer nursery rhymes hit “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt” by Kilboomers on their Kilboomer 2 album.

These lessons helped me get “thought it” …especially when life felt unbearable. “It” has made me stronger, wiser, happier, and calmer. Parent or not I hope these lessons help you navigate through difficult times with hope and faith when surrounded by uncertainty and fear!

1. Boundaries before priorities. It was impossible to set priorities without having healthy boundaries. When you have a new human who literally depends on you 24/7 – your priorities shift and if you don’t have healthy boundaries, exhaustion will follow. With a new baby there are new expectations of you in all areas of your life.

2. Be open to different Perspectives. After becoming a mom, I have a much broader perspective on life and more consideration of other life experiences. I realize all the gross misunderstandings I made about what others are going through – whether facing a new baby, chronic illness, job loss, or estranged relationship. I gained a deeper pool of empathy from digging myself out of postpartum parenthood struggles during the throes of a pandemic.

3. Mindset is EVERYTHING but forcing a positive mindset can be as bad as a negative one. Sometimes things are hard. Sometimes we’re in the weeds or we have a bad day. Denying that reality is not helpful. And stewing on a bad day or tough time is also not helpful. Your mind can be flexible and accepting, this is hard and I’m going to get through it. Hard times won’t last but I will. This mindset helped me in some of the darkest moments of sleep deprivation and the piles of challenges that were thrown at me.

4. Anger is information. All my life I avoided anger and consciously and unconsciously labeled it as bad, undesirable, and not how ‘nice girls’ behave. I literally had no access to anger and would talk about this as a superpower. In reflecting I realized having no access to anger left me unable to set the necessary boundaries in relationships and work that would have served me and others better. The thing is anger is not bad, negative, or evil… it is information. I found myself with postpartum fully tapped into anger with a focus on protecting myself and my daughter Rory. Anger can give us critical information about our limits, our passions, and our values. Our society teaches little girls to avoid, fear, and repress their anger.?This is stripping them of an instinctual emotion that provides critical information about what we need and what will keep us safe.

5. Ability to say no. Professionally I was always taught to ‘say yes’ to everything. In doing that I have had amazing opportunities across the organization which includes two trips to Tel-Aviv during my MBA. Now I had to learn how to say no, which was nearly impossible for me. The fun thing with a toddler is how naturally and liberally she says YES and NO without caring how these responses will be received. She NEVER says YES when she means NO. And in this way, she’s taught me to be more thoughtful in my YES and NO response. This has led to better business and personal decision-making. I improved the quality of all my relationships after the initial discomfort of learning to say N-O.

6. Taking care of myself is necessary and I’m the only one equipped to do it. Taking care of yourself means something different to everyone, but I’ve learned it's something that we deserve every day. I used to think getting a pedicure every few months was self-care, but the reality is – while that’s nice, you need to be taken care of – every day. I used to think it was selfish and really, who has time to take care of themselves every day? Then I realized for me this means taking the time to prepare a healthy meal, work out, drink lemon water, walk in the sun, meditate. These things I try to do most days to take care of myself because we cannot give from an empty cup.?Before my daughter, it was easier to take care of myself without intention. As a mom, we put our needs at the bottom or think it's selfish if we do not put our kids first. The thing is, they are watching you and if you don’t take care of you – they won’t take care of themselves. And while it's marvelous to be needed, the goal of parenting is to prepare kids to be capable individuals. We must model taking care of ourselves to ensure they are also kind to themselves.

7. A growth mindset. Nothing tosses you into the deep sea and reminds you how little you really know like parenthood. Before being a mom, I would tell you I had a growth mindset, but the truth is – my ‘growth mindset’ was there but weak. When you are in your comfort zone you can practice a growth mindset but it's more comparable to a spaceship simulator, not the same as being shooting off into outer space. In Parenthood you are out there, in space, and you must risk failure. This is when you really need to give yourself the ‘space’ to fail-forward, learn, and remember – you may be a parent, but you are a human first. This has absolutely helped me push beyond my comfort zone at work - I’m taking on bolder challenges previously out of reach before I truly built my ‘growth mindset’ muscle.

8. Go easy on yourself and others. When you give yourself grace to be a human, make mistakes, and try again – you can give that grace to others. Moms are constantly hearing the message ‘you can do it all’ and when we have high expectations, it is easy to be hard on ourselves. I have always been hard on myself.?I saw this as a strength because I was always achieving in sports, professionally, etc. As a new mom, you are humbled with all you do not know and you're constantly learning, failing, then trying again. Every aspect of your life before motherhood has changed and it's no longer productive to be hard on yourself. As I have started to go easy on myself, there is more space for offering grace to others and myself.?I have become a safer space for myself, my daughter, and others to try something new because if it doesn’t go exactly as planned… there is a kinder, less critical me that will listen.

9. We all need both feminine and masculine energy. Nothing shifts you into the feminine energy quite like motherhood. Before Rory, I didn’t know or think about feminine or masculine energy. I was always comfortable in my masculine – as an athlete, as a professional, as an achiever… I was always doing, achieving, and I was locked in this mode. And you know what? The world really cheers you on there. It wasn’t until I was literally cut in half and bleeding more than I knew a living person could that I was forced to slow down and learn how to ‘be’. I had to allow myself to rest, relax. I literally didn’t know how to rest, which is a key part of being in the feminine energy. Now I am more aware of my body and what it needs – whether it is movement or rest. This has helped me prevent burn-out and come to work with energy from a place of balance and ease.

10. Sleep really makes everything better. When the day was particularly hard, and Rory was not sleeping, everything was exponentially harder. And finally, when I was able to sleep again – life kept getting better. Every time I got that coveted REM sleep… life got sweeter. We take it for granted but it’s essential. I cherish it and see it for the life force it is.

In my experience, Parenthood is an explosion. It takes every part of your identity, reorganizes it, and forces you to question it. It finds all your weak spots and it leans heavily on your strengths. It’s the most incredible learning and growth experience I have ever encountered. The pandemic multiplied this experience for me, yet I have nothing to benchmark. Either way, I am grateful for this great reordering and ability to level up myself as a person, parent, and partner.?#growthmindset #gothroughit #levelup #personalgrowth #parenthoodgrowth #alwayslearning #pandemic