TELSTRA - A Broken Phone and a Broken Customer

We all know the World has gone mad, (I realise none of the good folk here need reminding), however I thought I'd record today's events, just so people will understand if I suddenly fly to Sydney and throw myself off the Harbour Bridge.

Yesterday, my Google Pixle 7 Plus came to a crushing stop at 3.00pm - having unbeknownst to me, fallen from my pocket, the left front steer of a truck immediately ran over it. I became uncontactable, so a replacement phone was needed.

This morning, around 8.00am, I set out to do exactly that. As I write this, it's just after 2.00pm and little if any progress has been made, to explain: I tried to contact our provider (Telstra) on the internet, all good until "We need to verify your identity and have sent a code to your mobile." Of course, I can't access that code, as the phone is stuffed, dead, like the bloody parrot. Try as I did, I could not change the method to email.

I gave up and jumped in the car, heading for the local Telstra shop at Midland. Bright eyed and bushy tailed, broken phone in bag, I arrived at the counter. A young girl quickly approached me, to make sure I went no further into the shop. "Can I help you Sir?" I explained, "Oh that's terrible," she replied, "I can book you in to see a consultant in one week." She smiled helpfully at me. "A week's time, you mean?" I said.

"Yes," she replied, "Sorry." I walked away astounded and drove home.

"That was quick," said my wife. I explained, as her mouth fell open. We decided to use her phone and ring the Telstra number - 132200. A robot answered and explained it would be much quicker to join Telstra, download the app and do it all online, which of course you can't do if your phone is broken, even if you have the app.

Eventually a chap answered. It was Sanjeev. Now he was wonderfully well spoken - excellent clear English and very helpful, however we hit a stumbling block in that he wanted me to remove the SIM card from the crushed phone and insert it into the old phone I'd rescued and charged, but the Google phone never had a SIM card, it ran an e card, however he wanted us to check and see. Sure enough, no SIM card, "Ah!" he exclaimed, "It's an ecard!"

It was around that time my head started to spin, Ann (my wife) began to laugh. "We can send you out a replacement SIM card for your old phone, but it will take somewhere between five and seven days." I looked at Ann, "Should I just transfer my number to another provider?"

"No, that takes about five working days, you'll just have to accept it and get another one month card to work with for a few days."

"Alright," I said to Sanjeev, "Send me the SIM card, Now what do I do about another phone, my wife needs a new phone as well, but when we enquired the other day, the girl told us everything new with Telstra has to be Direct Debit and our account would be rolled into that system."

"Yes," he replied, "That is correct."

"But then I can't argue with you lot when you get the bill wrong," (as I'd just done over $15.00 and won, at the start of our conversation). "I don't know Sir."

"OK, just send me the SIM card thank you."

I pondered the situation for a while, then had a brain wave - If I set up an account purely for Telstra, verify what the monthly bill will be, then put that amount into the account each month, if they try to take out more, the payment won't work and they'll want to talk to me! Telstra always seem to increase their charges, regardless of so called contracts and there are often amounts that need disputing.

I grabbed Ann's phone and rang Telstra again. The robot answered, then decided it wanted to verify my identity twice, I screamed out a word that sounded very similar to 'Truck!" threw the phone down and stormed off into the bedroom, yelling, "This f!@##$ world is too bloody complicated for me, I want out!" Ann said, "Do you want lunch?" I swallowed two more Panadol, tripped over the dog and staggered to the dining table.

Lunch over, Ann said I had to do something and I should try again. Trapped by logic, my heart sank and a feeling of utter exhaustion fell over me. I rang the Telstra number. The f!#@#@$ robot answered once more. I stuck with it, then it put me on hold with computer driven 'music' on a 15 second loop. It was about then I started to cry.

Every three minutes, a cheerful prerecorded female voice kept interrupting the loop to tell me if I downloaded the app, I could avoid all this, then back to the loop. Forty minutes later, Abdul came online. Within 30 seconds, it became blindingly obvious Abdul was brand new, in training and hopelessly lost. He kept interrupting to speak to a woman in the background. He came back online at one point and said I really needed to respond to the code he'd sent to my phone. No dear reader, I didn't scream, although my hands were shaking. I once again (for the fourth time to him), explained my phone was broken, I couldn't receive any messages and perhaps he could send the code to the phone I was using. He ignored this and started talking to Background Bird. "Can I send to your email?"

"Yes!" I yelled, then quickly got control of myself again, "Yes, yes, to my email, please."

"What is your email address?" Here I am talking to a Telstra rep to whom I've already given all my account information , which he'd verified by telling me he had my account open! AAARGH!! Slowly, ever so slowly, with constant references to Background Bird, we established the two phone deal, we even got to the colours of the phones, then we came to a grinding halt. Two minutes of silence. "Hello? Hello? Is there anybody out there?" quoth I.

"I'm so sorry sir, there is a lot happening here, I am not sure."

"Look," I said, "Would you like to ring me back on this phone when you're ready?" Quick chat to Background Lady. "Yes," he said, "What is the number?" Which floored me, however I gave him the number. He asked me to repeat it. "Mate," I said, "It's on the same account, there are two mobile phones on that account, you must have it!" I could feel the tears starting to well up.

"Could you just repeat the numbers sir, your voice is not very clear," I know none of you will believe it, my wife certainly didn't as she listened. Without swearing, I slowly repeated the phone number. "Thank you sir, I will ring you back on this number shortly."

That was four hours ago, it's now 6.00pm. Ann went for a relaxing bath, I lay down exhausted on the bed. It's so far taken ten hours and I still don't have a working phone, so if anyone here's been trying to contact me, you now know. Good night!

Greg Ross

Telstra