To Tell or Not to Tell?

I've been flooded with InMail messages and responses to my post with this question:

A principal called me today with the following dilemma: If a child lost her mother in 3rd grade and her father remarried two years later and things appear to be going well, do I think that now, 6 years later, in 9th grade teachers need to be told about her background .What do you feel?

After getting lots of opinions from the world at large, I decided to ask the teens who lost a parent what they thought by posting the question on the LINKS Whatsapp chat. Well, the responses were amazingly insightful and with their permission, I'm sharing it below. If you feel you've gained insights from these responses, like or comment on this article so we can get this message out to educators everywhere.

Here goes [I purposely left it unedited only leaving out the many "wow I could've said it just like that!"]:

C: I think yes! Even before my father's remarriage I always hated how everyone always assumed that once the parent was remarried, all was going well.

T: Yes yes yes. She's about to enter the toughest part of teenagehood and everything is changing and delayed grief is sooo difficult and sooo real. It could be she's been fine until now and iy"H she'll continue to be fine, but reality is that there's a high chance that all the stuff she hasn't been emotionally mature enough to handle yet will rear its ugly head and her teachers should be aware and looking out for her to offer her the support she won't otherwise be getting because she's not sitting shiva or anything of the sort. And in terms of remarriage- no way to know externally that it's successful. I've had very (otherwise) perceptive people compliment my stepmother in front of me for "saving my family." Teachers have such an opportunity to catch these things if they just know to look out for it !

A:100000% percent the teachers should be told . There may be a bit more stability in a remarriage than in a single parent home but the child may have his\her own personal and emotional feelings

O: Did the principle ask her want the student thought? Maybe the principle should ask her what her opinion is? Lots of times people might think they know what the other wants but until she's asked it's sort of a guess... no?

S: HOW DO U KNOW SHE IS DOING WELL?! I never wore a poster that said "I'm doing horribly"

Sarah Rivkah Kohn: O, No the principal didn't ask the student because it's an incoming 9th grader who she doesn't know . I myself was wondering about that but honestly I don't think 9th graders can possibly predict ramifications

T: Agree

C: Omg!!! I didn't wear a poste either!! (Well, for a few years. Then I totally took advantage of it!)

T: I'm not sure when everything was "fine"I could have told you how difficult everything was going to get

N: YES YES YES YES YES YES YES.

My father passed away exactly when I was in third grade, and for the next couple years, as well as the years before, while he was sick, I was "fine"

Then my mother remarried, I moved halfway across the country to a community that seemed like Mars to me, and I still seemed "fine" for a bit.

Next thing I know, I'm an emotional wreck. I blamed it on middle school, the age, the social drama, even on moving and my stepfather. But I never stopped to acknowledge that maybe perhaps my father's passing had an effect on me, even if I couldn't see it myself. I went through major delayed grief (often feel like I still am)...

But so many people thought that it had been several years, and I had always seemed fine, so it was impossible for me to be grieving. And it was wrong snd selfish and immature of me.

It took some really special teachers, therapists, family and friends to help me understand that it's OK to hurt and grieve when you need to, no matter what the world thinks is socially appropriate.

I used to get so immensely frustrated that teachers etc were told ahead of time about my "situation". I felt like I was being predefined by an event that had occurred so many years ago.

And I still understand that sentiment.

But now, looking a bit back (can't really say looking back at hs bc I just graduated lol) I appreciate that people understood that losing a parent can affect a kid years later, even if the kid doesn't know it or doesn't want to admit it

O: I just wanted to say that I totally agree that sometimes 9th graders can't predict but this is her life and I feel like instead of other people trying to figure out what's best for her have her say what's best for her. Even if she makes a mistake that's ok,. not hearing what she has to say sounds like her life is being overturned by people who are not her. Just because I'm a big advocate for people to know what they want and it may take time and practice but give her a chance. But maybe the principal can reach out to her. Most people who I know well will ask me before situations or Shabbos seudos I'm hosted at if they want my situation shared. I like that because I like to decide.

Sarah Rivkah Kohn: I totally hear that-- it's tough when people make decisions-- oh this is what's best for you...- At the same time, and maybe it's the parent in me talking, I"m looking at some of my kids and I"m saying there's no way that I could trust their decisions on matters that they'd never understand ramifications of. The mistakes they'd make in poor decisions could cost them a lot long term. And I'm saying from my own experience and maybe it's coloring my view is that I was asked certain things that I wonder if I should have been asked. I was asked at 9 years old if I wanted to sit shiva or not and I said no and went off to school. And I'm not saying it was awful but it did come back to haunt me later on in life. And the problem was that I couldn't blame anyone so I blamed myself for decisions that were poor decisions. And then in HS I was asked some other family related questions and whether I wanted waves made and I stupidly said no and you know what? I should have said yes and saved a lot of emotional pain long term. I'm very torn on this because I hate the idea of a teen feeling that this part of her life is also out of her control but on the other hand....sometimes adults do know better....

O: I just had this conversation with someone and they also were looking at it from the parental view with hindsight. Saying that sometimes adults know better what's best for the kid. I appreciate you sharing this.

Sarah Rivkah Kohn: BTW, I don't think I'd have the same opinion if this was a 12th grader or sem girl who could and should be asked more.

N: So I had kind of the opposite. My father was niftar when I was 8. And I was never asked whether I wanted to attend the levaya. And it didn't bother me that I wasn't asked. But now, in hindsight, I really wish I could have gone to my father's levaya, or at least have been asked, even if I wasn't fully capable of making a good decision...

I think I kind of felt disconnected from the whole thing because of it. I didn't see my father the last few weeks he was sick at all. And for a few months before that, and for different spans over the previous 4 years, my father wasn't living at home.

So I don't think I fully chapped he was niftar until so much later.

I didn't go to my father's kever until just 2 years ago, over 7 years after he was niftar. And as hard as it was, it was such a clarifying experience. Things seemed to click into place. And I just wonder if that would have happened sooner if I had gone to my father's levaya etc

Sarah Rivkah Kohn: This is so insightful, N, thanks for sharing. You really are making me think about a time someone asked me "If you could re-do certain parts of your life...what would you re-do differently in regards to your loss?" I told them that I have no regrets on stuff I did like going to the hospital shortly before my mother passed away or the levaya or yizkor or cemetery at a young age....I only have regrets and hard feelings about the stuff that I missed out on. I see this pattern with many LINKS girls. And I don't think it's a one size fits all but maybe we could say....for many of us if decisions were made that we could participate/do/ some things-- that is less of a problem than decisions made that we couldn't experience or do stuff.

N: You totally make sense. Got me thinking now :)

E: Lol and i had the opposite too.When my mother was nifter i was in 9th grade in a kiruv dorm school, and also didn't see her for a few weeks before she passes. She passed on the first day of sukkos, and I didn't find out until the end of second days. Obviously I missed the levaya and everything else... at that moment i was really upset at my father and siblings. They didn't ask me whether or not i wanted to be protected of such a stress. But now looking back i realize that i was too young to handle such events and i would not be able to handle it emotionally. In fact if i would have gone to my mother's leveya i would never go back to the kiruv school i was in and i would not have become frum. So in my situation I'm very happy my father together with my rav made the decision for me. I think most times adults know what kids need.

C: Such an insightful convo!

N: E, that's amazing you're able to see it that way! You must be an incredibly special person :)

M: I'm not the type to speak up but here is my opinion. I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to disagree. The principal should find out from the student if she wants her teachers to be aware of her background.

The most important thing is to respect her wishes.

 Also, he/she the principal should tell the student if she ever needs anything or wants to talk about something she can come over or go see one specific person from the staff who she might feel comfortable with.

He/she should reach out to her once in a while and check on her grades.

The principal should let her decide. It is is up to her.

And thats from experience from teaching and being a counselor in multiple camps for multiple age groups.

Otherwise it's not the teachers business to know the story of the student. I personally think its too much for the teachers to handle. Every student has teir story (special needs/ divorce...) Teachers dont necessarily know how to deal with orphans. They can't always find the right words.

Personally I didnt want the teachers to know. Have pity for me?

I was 8 when my father passed away, in second grade, it happened a few days after Purim. During Shiva, my classmates came over. When I got back to school, we were learnif about pessach and our teacher taught us songs about yom tov. One of the girls called the teacher and pointed at me as if I was a ghost. bc an ovel isnt supposed to hear music. As if I needed a spokeperson to talk for me. Thats when I realised, that I was a stupid person and people thought they had to look out for me as if they knew how to deal, give guidance and knew what was appropriate and that really hurt. I never asked anything from anyone. It hurts but it's life. I didnt want to be pointed out. Thank G-d the teacher put back the students in its place.

When I reached High school, none of them knew about my background and I was very happy about it.

Some of my limudei kodesh teachers knew my father passed away and never mentionned anything. Even when we learned halachos and minhagim (for instance yizkor, birkas habonim) they didnt point me out or say "Oh M..thats for you, or pay attention to this" .

We dont want to feel different from the others.

Losing a parent is a very hard and challenging nisayon. It has multiple consequences.

Today I look back and Im thankful the ones weren't aware, weren't. It wasn't their business. They only came in to teach.

I didnt want the etiquette, stigma or pity i didn't ask for it.

Sarah Rivkah Kohn: M, I love your honesty. I think it's so important that we get everyone's takes and everyone's stories. I think what you're highlighting is an interesting point and that is this: If the info is NOT used appropriately and all that is done is a pity party and that sort then it's horrible and teachers should not know. However, I think if teachers handle it right and I'll give you an example, even the example you gave about teaching Pesach songs and stuff of that sort, every girl will have a different reaction. There are girls on this chat who have said point blank that when Hilchos Aveilus or stuff of that nature was taught in class or music was played, they felt it inappropriate and insensitive and some even walked out. They say "Why does my school have NO BRAINS not to teach this with me in the room?"

I think what we're going back to is that every person will be different and it's going to be almost impossible for teachers and principals to know exactly how to handle each person. But, having said that I think it's important to know the individual kid and the individual teacher and honestly if a teacher can't react appropriately then she/he shouldn't be told (but I'd wonder how they could teach at all if they react inappropriately even with prep!)

T: I agree... I think also that teachers having information doesn't mean they need to use it. It doesn't have to have an obvious, outward day to day impact on the student teacher relationship. It can just mean that they're looking out for the student and if she starts having a hard time they'll be aware enough to reach out.