Tell it like it is.

Question: Do you want your manager to tell you what you want to hear or would you want them to tell you what you need to hear?

When it comes to getting feedback I think - or at least I hope - we’d choose to know the truth. We may not always like hearing it, but what’s the alternative? To live in a bubble of ignorant bliss; spending our days not learning, stagnating and on a slippery slope to underperforming. That doesn’t sound very enjoyable or fulfilling to me.

If we would all prefer to hear the truth (even if it stings a little), why is it that leaders find it so hard to speak it?

The simple truth is, we’re human.

We’re hardwired to avoid upsetting the social dynamic. Think about it, when we were wandering the savannah all those many years ago, we were the safest together. Our survival relied on fitting in and not upsetting anyone. You’ve heard the saying “safety in numbers” right? Challenging the norm, or displaying a behavior that may get you rejected by the tribe would mean you’d have to go it alone. Your risk of becoming devoured by a predator gets a lot higher when you have to stroll the desert alone.

At our most primal level we need to fit in and belong. We desperately need to get along and feel on the inside of the tribe. Speaking the truth means we’re potentially upsetting the social apple-cart. We all want (and desire) to build strong relationships and be liked. We fear rejection. It stands to reason then that leaders have a natural desire to be liked by those in their tribe which makes it pretty difficult to say it like it is.

Oh, and we can also blame our parents a little bit too (I feel a therapy session coming on)! How many of us were brought up hearing: “If you haven’t got anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!” Great advice to stop us from saying spiteful things in the playground but that conditioning stays with us and it isn’t helpful when you start leading teams.

As leaders we need to fight past our natural tendencies and conditioning in order to be honest in our feedback. Our teams deserve it. Our peers deserve it.

We have an obligation to tell our teammates when they’re not hitting the mark. It’s part of a leader’s job. Yet, sadly, it rarely happens enough. Saying anything short of positive feels uncomfortable (and now we know why - it goes against our natural wiring).

However, there is a path that Kim Scott describes as radical candor. It’s a simple concept; when people trust you & believe that you care about them they are more willing to accept and act upon your feedback - the good and the bad. Leaders must demonstrate that they care personally in order to challenge directly. What a powerful place to be, when the team knows that the only reason you’re challenging their performance or their behavior is because you care about them succeeding. How could anyone not want to hear the truth in that context?

Leaders need to make the commitment to telling it like it is. No matter how hard or uncomfortable it makes them. It’s essential for success