TEL #015: Navigating Trauma while in Leadership

I wept uncontrollably

I couldn’t hold back my tears and ran outside to get some air

I went on a long walk recounting the events that happened earlier

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I was meeting with someone I was supervising

And suddenly they stopped our meeting 10 mins in saying,

” I can’t do this anymore with you.”

*silence*

Immediately my anxiety shot to the roof

They began expressing disdain for my leadership and me

They asked to be switched to a different supervisor quoting

” My time with you has been my worst experience in this position.”

Ouch

Those words stung and stuck with me even to this day

I don’t remember much of the meeting

I only remember fighting back the tears

and fighting back the panic attack that threatened to start at any moment

I couldn’t breathe, and my heart was jumping to my throat.

The conversation was out of the left field, and I was woefully prepared for a meeting of that nature

I mumbled defenses and tried to maintain composure.

After the meeting, I started weeping. I felt like a failure.

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That experience was pretty traumatic (little t trauma) and shattered my confidence as a leader.

And at the same time, I still had the responsibility to carry out my role, lead my teams, and continue to be a supervisor.

I didn’t know how to keep going.

To keep leading when I was navigating trauma and trying to process the events that happened felt impossible.

And yet I had to figure out a way, even if it wasn’t pretty.

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All of us have experienced this in our life

We all have trauma in the past that affects us presently

Or trauma that is happening currently that you are processing

Whether it’s a:

-the death of a family member

-divorce, affair, conflict, etc., within a marriage

-chronic illness you are wrestling with

-faith questions and more significant life questions

-messy relational conflict in your life

-addiction you are wrestling with in your own life

At one point or another, we will be faced with our responsibilities as a leader and trying to put the pieces back together of something traumatic

What do you do?

Here are 3 tips to hopefully help you in a tough time

1. Cultivate and prioritize healthy spaces to process

As a leader, finding spaces to talk candidly about our personal lives is hard.

We have to talk about the experience when something challenging or traumatic happens.

We can’t go to those we’re leading because it would be an over-share and inappropriate level of vulnerability

And depending on the relationship with your supervisor,

there may not be a level of relationship to share about personal matters.

For me, I made counseling a stable in my calendar every week.

I still do counseling in my own life as a healthy rhythm

to be in the habit of sharing openly and to continue to process challenging aspects of my life.

Whatever that process space may look like, cultivate it now BEFORE trauma happens to you.

It’s so much harder to find places to process when you have no people or spaces already in place.

Some ideas could be:

-a weekly lunch with a best friend

-grabbing coffee with your pastor

-having a support group with other leaders

-joining a recovery class

-leadership coach to help navigate situations

Whatever it is, cement it in your calendar and make it 1st priority.

2. Recognize your limitations in this season and share with those you lead

The worst thing we can do in a season of navigating trauma is to act like everything is okay and not share anything with your team.

Your team is not ignorant and typically knows *something* is going on even if they don’t know the specifics.

Take stock of how you need to cut back this season and communicate well.

Share enough to convey that you are currently navigating something and need grace, support, time, and space to get what you need.

And then list the ways your leadership will look different in this season:

-being less available

-1-on-1’s that are biweekly instead of weekly

-may cancel meetings as need be

-delegate more responsibilities

Inviting your team and framing expectations will set you up nicely, give you space to heal, and give your team a path forward during this time.

Sharing nothing is a disservice to your team and will hurt your leadership

3. Redefine success in this season

Often, in our leadership, we have grand visions

The results we are going to accomplish

The people we are going to impact

The vision we are going to inspire others through

In seasons of trauma, success looks way different.

Success merely looks like doing what you need to do to make it out alive.

Pull back expectations and be okay with doing the minimum

You’re emotional, mental, spiritual, etc.; health is more important than a grandiose vision of success in your leadership.

It’s okay to be “mediocre” and to do merely what is asked of you, nothing more, nothing less.

It’s easy as leaders to go above and beyond our job description.

Sometimes in our tough seasons, simply doing the job description is all we can give.

And that’s okay, and that’s success in many ways.

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These are a few tips on navigating trauma while in leadership; I hope those are helpful to you!

What ways have you found to simultaneously help lead and heal from trauma in your life?

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Resources:

(Book)?The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma?by Bessel A. Van der Kolk

(Book)?Managing Leadership Anxiety: Yours and Theirs?by Steve Cuss

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