The Tech Tantrum Toolkit: Age-Specific Solutions for Parents

It’s fairly common knowledge that toddlers have tantrums but I’ve been working with a family whose 6 year old still has them - from not having the right flavoured ice cream in the freezer to the wrong kind of cereal for breakfast!

So, what’s really going on?

Here’s my advice for Toddlers

Taming Those Toddler Tantrums – Practical Tips To Help

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From Terrible to Terrific – Taming Your Toddler’s Tantrums Positively

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What If There’s Absolutely Nothing Wrong With Your Toddler Throwing A Tantrum?

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When Big Kids Have Big Feelings: Managing Emotional Outbursts in Older Kids

Regular tantrums in a 6-year-old often signal that the child is struggling with emotional regulation rather than simply being defiant. At this age, they are developing more complex feelings and expectations, but they may still lack the skills to manage their emotions effectively.

Here’s what’s really going on:

1. Emotional Overload

• At 6, children experience big emotions like frustration, disappointment, or embarrassment, but they may not yet have the words or coping mechanisms to express them constructively.
• Tantrums often stem from emotional overwhelm as they process these feelings.

2. Developing Independence

• This age is marked by a growing desire for autonomy. When things don’t go their way, they may feel a loss of control, leading to frustration or a power struggle.

3. Unmet Needs

• Tantrums can occur when basic needs like hunger, fatigue, or overstimulation are not met. Even small frustrations feel magnified when a child is physically or emotionally depleted.

4. Testing Boundaries

• Six-year-olds are exploring how far they can push limits with parents and caregivers. Tantrums might be their way of seeing how you’ll respond when they express displeasure or dissatisfaction.

5. Difficulty with Delayed Gratification

• At this age, children are still learning patience and the concept of delayed gratification. They may melt down when they don’t get what they want immediately.

6. Need for Attention

• Some tantrums arise because the child feels ignored or disconnected. Negative attention (even from a tantrum) can feel better to them than no attention at all.

7. Learned Behaviour

• If tantrums have led to getting what they want in the past, a 6-year-old might use them as a tool to manipulate situations.

8. Underlying Stress

• Changes in routine, family dynamics, school challenges, or peer conflicts can cause emotional stress that manifests as tantrums.

Long-Term Development

At this stage, children are transitioning from the impulsive reactions of early childhood to more deliberate responses.

Regular tantrums indicate that your child may need extra guidance to develop emotional resilience and problem-solving skills.

Here are strategies for identifying triggers and guiding your older child towards better emotional regulation:

Identifying Triggers

1. Track Patterns Keep a journal to note when tantrums occur, what happened before, and how they resolved. Look for patterns like time of day, hunger, or specific activities.
2. Observe Emotional Responses Pay attention to your child’s emotional responses to transitions, disappointments, or unmet expectations. For example: Disappointment: Didn’t get a toy or treat. Frustration: Struggled with a difficult task. Overstimulation: Too much noise or activity.
3. Identify Physical Needs Many tantrums stem from hunger, fatigue, or overstimulation. A snack, quiet time, or rest can often prevent emotional meltdowns.
4. Note Social Interactions Conflicts with peers, siblings, or even adults can lead to emotional outbursts. Observe how they react in group settings or after social interactions.

Guiding Your Child Toward Emotional Regulation

1. Teach Emotional Awareness Help your child identify their emotions by giving them names, like “You seem really frustrated” or “Are you feeling sad because we had to leave the park?” Use emotion charts or stories to make this fun and engaging.
2. Model Calm Behaviour Show how you manage emotions by narrating your process: “I feel frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a deep breath before I respond.”
3. Practice Coping Strategies Teach simple calming techniques, like:Deep breathing (e.g., "Let’s blow out birthday candles together!"). Counting to ten. Squeezing a stress ball or hugging a stuffed toy.
4. Encourage Problem-Solving When they’re calm, talk about what happened and explore solutions. Ask, "What could we do differently next time if you feel upset?"
5. Use Visual Tools Create a “calm-down corner” with items like colouring books, sensory toys, or headphones to encourage self-regulation. Use visual schedules to prepare them for transitions.
6. Reinforce Positive Behaviours Praise them when they handle frustrations well: “You didn’t yell when we couldn’t go to the playground—you handled it really maturely!”
7. Set Predictable Routines Predictability helps reduce anxiety. Stick to consistent routines for meals, bedtime, and transitions to give them a sense of control.
8. Encourage Expression Through Play Role-playing or drawing can help children process and express emotions. For example, acting out a story about a character who feels frustrated can be therapeutic and instructive.

Proactive Steps to Minimise Tantrums

1. Prepare for Disappointment Give them a heads-up about what to expect. For example: "We might not find your favourite ice cream flavour today, but let’s pick something else exciting."
2. Empower with Choices Offer limited options: "Do you want to clean up now or in five minutes?" Giving control reduces the chance of resistance.
3. Build Emotional Resilience Gradually expose them to minor disappointments and praise their efforts to handle them. This strengthens their ability to bounce back from frustration.

1. Disappointment (e.g., Not Getting Their Way)

Child: "I wanted the blue one, not this one!"

Parent:

• Acknowledge Feelings: "I know you really wanted the blue one. It’s hard when we don’t get what we hoped for, isn’t it?"
• Set Limits: "We can’t always get exactly what we want, but this one can still be fun/useful."
• Encourage a Positive Perspective: "Let’s think of one cool thing about this one instead. What do you think?"

2. Frustration (e.g., Struggling with a Task)

Child: "I can’t do it! It’s too hard!"

Parent:

• Empathise: "It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated. That’s okay—it happens to everyone when things don’t work right away."
• Encourage Problem-Solving: "Let’s take a break and try again together in a few minutes. What’s one step we can work on first?"

3. Overwhelm (e.g., Meltdown at a Busy Event)

Child: (Crying or shouting in a loud, crowded place)

Parent:

• Acknowledge: "This place feels really noisy and big, doesn’t it? That can be overwhelming."
• Calm Down Together: "Let’s step outside and take a deep breath. Can you count to five with me? It’ll help us feel better."
• Empower: "Once we’re calmer, we can decide if we want to stay or go home."

4. Anger (e.g., When a Sibling Takes Their Toy)

Child: "They took my toy! It’s not fair!"

Parent:

• Validate: "You’re feeling really angry because that toy is important to you. I get it."
• Encourage Communication: "Instead of yelling, let’s tell them how you feel. You can say, ‘I don’t like it when you take my toy without asking.’ Want to try?"
• Problem-Solve Together: "What can we do to make this fair for both of you? Should we set a timer for taking turns?"

5. Sadness (e.g., When Plans Change)

Child: "I wanted to go to the park, but now we can’t!"

Parent:

• Empathise: "I know you’re feeling sad. You were really looking forward to the park, and it’s hard when plans change."
• Offer Comfort: "Let’s think of something else fun we can do together. Maybe we can draw the park and imagine playing there!"

6. Teaching Emotional Regulation (Preventing Future Tantrums)

Parent:

• Prepare Them: "Sometimes, things don’t go the way we expect. What could we do if we start to feel really upset?"
• Practice Together: "We could take a big deep breath, count to ten, or use our words to say, ‘I’m upset.’ Which one do you want to try next time?"
• Reinforce Positivity: "When you handle things calmly, you get stronger at solving problems!"

7. Calm-Down Conversation (After a Tantrum)

Parent:

• Reflect: "I noticed you got really upset earlier. Can you tell me what happened?"
• Discuss Feelings: "Were you feeling mad, sad, or something else? It’s okay to feel that way."
• Problem-Solve: "Next time, what could we do instead of yelling or crying? Let’s practice it now."

The Calm Down Poster

Here’s how you can create a calm-down script poster to use at home, making it a visual and engaging tool for your child to manage their emotions:

Step 1: Title Your Poster

Give it an inviting title like:

• “Reset & Relax"
• "My Peaceful Pause Place”
• “My Chill Chart”
• “My Pause and Breathe Poster”

Step 2: Include 5-6 Simple Steps

Use short phrases and visuals to guide your child.

Here’s an example:

Calm-Down Steps:

1. Stop and Freeze “I pause when I feel upset.” (Add a picture of a stop sign)
2. Name the Feeling “I say what I’m feeling: ‘I’m mad,’ or ‘I’m sad.’” (Add emoji faces: , , )
3. Take 3 Deep Breaths “Breathe in slowly like you’re smelling a flower. Breathe out like you’re blowing out a candle.” (Add a flower and candle illustration)
4. Choose a Calm Activity “I can…” Hug my stuffed animal. Draw or colour Sit in my calm-down corner(Add pictures of these activities)
5. Use My Words “I can ask for help or say how I feel.” (Add a speech bubble with the phrase: ‘Can we talk?’)
6. Try Again “I’m calm and ready to solve the problem!” (Add a thumbs-up symbol)

Step 3: Personalise It

• Let Your Child Help Design It:?Use their favourite colours, stickers, or drawings.
• Add Their Calm-Down Tools:?Include specific activities your child finds calming, like puzzles, music, or a favourite book.

Step 4: Place It Where It’s Visible

Put the poster somewhere easy to access, like the fridge, their room, or the "calm-down corner."

Ideas for Reinforcement

• Role-Play Using the Poster: Practice the steps when everyone is calm.
• Praise Their Efforts: Whenever they follow a step, acknowledge it: “You took deep breaths just like your plan. Great job calming down!”
• Add Rewards: Use a sticker chart to celebrate successful use of the calm-down plan.

Tech Tantrums

Here are age-specific tips for addressing tantrums when children don’t get the use of a smartphone or device.

These strategies focus on understanding their developmental stage while maintaining boundaries and promoting healthy habits:

For Ages 3–5 (Preschoolers)

At this age, children don’t fully grasp the concept of long-term consequences and are highly focused on immediate wants.

Tips

1. Distract and Redirect Offer an engaging alternative like playing a game, reading a book, or doing an activity they enjoy. Example: “I know you want the phone, but let’s play with this fun puzzle instead!”
2. Explain in Simple Terms Use simple language to explain why they don’t need a smartphone yet. Example: “Phones are for grown-ups. You have fun toys to play with instead!”
3. Empathise Without Giving In Acknowledge their feelings but stay firm. Example: “I know you feel upset because you want the phone, but you’re too young right now.”

For Ages 6–8 (Early Primary)

This age group may start comparing themselves to peers who have smartphones and feel left out.

Tips

1. Set Clear Boundaries Explain the rule in an age-appropriate way. Example: “We’ve decided you’ll get a phone when you’re older because we want you to enjoy other fun activities right now.”
2. Offer Limited Access If appropriate, allow supervised use of a family device for specific tasks (e.g., video calls with relatives). Example: “You can borrow my phone to call Grandma, but it’s not something you need to have on your own.”
3. Focus on Alternatives Offer tech alternatives like a kids’ smartwatch (e.g., Xplora or similar), which satisfies their desire for a “device” without giving them full smartphone access. Example: “How about using this watch to send messages to me instead?”

For Ages 9–12 (Tweens)

Tweens often feel more peer pressure and a stronger desire for independence. They’re also more likely to argue and test limits.

Tips

1. Have a Calm Conversation Acknowledge their feelings and explain your reasoning. Example: “I understand you want a phone because your friends have one, but we think it’s important to wait until you’re ready to handle it responsibly.”
2. Involve Them in a Plan Create a timeline or criteria for when they can get a phone (e.g., after proving responsibility or reaching a specific age). Example: “Let’s work together to figure out what being ready for a phone looks like—like keeping track of your things and using screens responsibly.”
3. Provide Positive Reinforcement Reward them for handling disappointment well and following the family’s tech rules.
4. Emphasise the Benefits of Waiting Share how waiting protects them from online risks or distractions. Example: “Phones come with a lot of responsibility. For now, you can focus on spending time with friends face-to-face and enjoying other fun activities.”

For Ages 13+ (Teens)

Teens may feel entitled to a smartphone and argue more intensely. They’re also capable of understanding complex reasoning, so discussions should focus on logic and trust.

Tips

1. Address Peer Pressure Talk about why everyone’s timeline is different and reassure them that waiting is okay. Example: “I know it’s hard when friends have phones, but we’re doing this to help you build healthy habits.”
2. Create a Trial Period If you’re considering a phone in the near future, offer a probationary period using a basic phone or family device to see how they handle responsibility. Example: “Let’s start with borrowing the family phone for specific times. If you show responsibility, we can talk about getting your own later.”
3. Teach About Online Safety Emphasise your concerns about social media, cyberbullying, and screen time. Use this as an opportunity to educate them. Example: “It’s not just about having a phone—it’s about knowing how to use it wisely and staying safe online.”
4. Offer Connection Alternatives Suggest using other communication tools like a family-shared tablet or a kids’ smartwatch.

General Tantrum Tips Across All Ages

1. Stay Calm Avoid escalating the situation. Speak in a calm, firm tone.
2. Empathise Without Giving In Acknowledge their feelings while sticking to your boundary.Example: “I know you’re upset, and it’s okay to feel that way, but the answer is still no for now.”
3. Redirect to Activities Distract them with an engaging task or hobby they enjoy.
4. Teach Healthy Ways to Handle Disappointment Encourage coping skills, like deep breathing, journaling, or discussing their feelings calmly.

Like to work with me?

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From Tantrums to Triumphs

Tantrums, no matter the age, are a natural part of growing up and learning to navigate big emotions. By understanding the "why" behind the outbursts and equipping yourself with age-appropriate strategies, you can turn these challenging moments into opportunities for connection, growth, and teaching valuable life skills.

Remember, it’s not about avoiding tantrums altogether—it’s about how we respond to them. With patience, empathy, and consistency, you’re helping your child build emotional resilience and a stronger bond with you. So, the next time a tantrum erupts, take a deep breath, stay calm, and remind yourself that you’re doing an amazing job.

Let’s navigate this parenting journey together—one meltdown at a time.

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Sue