Tech, Families, and Agreements

By Ashley McGuire - Peacemaking & Community Transformation

"Mom you have to play this game." I've heard this a lot over the last decade as my two children have grown up with the internet and video gaming. I could definitely call them 'gamers' although that's not a term they prefer. They've never known a world without the internet, and video games have been a part of their lives from very early on. As a parent and a parenting coach, I have a solid sense of how gaming is affecting our children, and how we can cope with the challenges that are arising. In our own home, we have developed a policy of trust, empowerment, and communication, and it has helped our kids become curious, discerning, critical thinkers on the internet.

If you are having some fear or struggle with parenting in the age of the internet and video games, these quick tips may help:

1. Be honest and open with your children. "Daddy is using the computer to buy groceries right now." "Mommy is playing a game because I got my work done today and now I can relax." "Daddy is watching this YouTube video to learn how to fix the garbage disposal." Tell your kids how the internet or gaming is a tool or recreation for you. Let them know all of the amazing uses we have for this tool, and that you have a purpose for spending time with it. And don't be afraid to share the even harder truths: "I realize I've been looking at my phone for a long time - I lost track of time looking at social media. Did you know social media sites are designed to make it hard to look away? I'm going to put it down now so I can do something healthier."
2. Trust your children and give them the tools to be trustworthy. Our son loved YouTube by 5 years old and could easily navigate to what he wanted to watch. We set limits on time (explaining that it was best for his brain development) and said that he could control the computer as long as we were in the room and could hear what he was watching. These agreements stayed in place for years. When he was older and wanted more freedom we asked that he always come to us if something alarmed, confused, or scared him on YouTube. He did, so we kept trusting him. And each time he brought us something that confused or scared him we took the opportunity to talk openly about it and give him the tools he needed to avoid those videos in the future.
3. Play their games with a generous and open spirit. When your 7 year old wants you to play, try to always say yes, or set a time when you can say yes. Just like with any other person, if your kid hears 'no' to most invitations, she will stop asking. Kids want to include you at younger ages, but later they won't. If you establish that you enjoy their company and you will happily play their games (as well as learn from them if they are better than you), then they'll keep asking. When our daughter invited me to play a game I had been hearing about, I learned that she is remarkable at problem-solving, she is making excellent choices in games and introduced me to something I genuinely enjoyed. She was a patient teacher and guided me through, even though she had played it several times. At 15, my daughter received great joy from watching me enjoy something she was excited about.
4. Be more curious and less judgmental. I told my kids at an early age that their bodies and brains were precious and that anything they put in their minds could stick. Horrible images and scary stories could cause nightmares for years, or stoke irrational fear, replacing a sense of calm and happiness. Because of this, and their own discernment, they have never been attracted to hyper-realistic first-person shooting games. When my son first told me he was going to play one that he was interested in, I was curious and open. He explained the value he found in the game, why he was playing, and whom he was playing with. He's honest and smart, he's proven himself to be trustworthy and to live by solid values, so he gets no negative judgment from me.
5. Bonus: Play Undertale. When my son introduced me to Undertale a few years ago, it was transformative. This game is a must-play for parents and kids, and as I don't want to spoil the big reveal, all I can say is that it is a great morality play wrapped up in a 16-bit retro package. The absolute brilliance of this game is that it makes you question everything you've assumed to be true about video games, and about yourself. It can be frustrating to play, so you'll definitely want a kid around who will be more patient than you at trying all the different possible pathways. Take the opportunity to talk to one another about how to handle disappointments and failure, and what you are learning from the gameplay.

Both my son and my daughter like to bring me in on games they're playing, and I've always said yes, every single time. As long as they want me to be a part of their lives and their interests, I'm there. And I know one of the reasons they do it is because their Dad and I have modeled this behavior. As they were born into the connected world, my husband and I knew we would never be able to keep them away from the internet, so we've tried to integrate it into our lives in healthy, productive, and fun ways. Making anything taboo just drives kids in that direction, so we've navigated integrating wise personal choices with online freedom.

I've worked with families who weren't able to start out this way, and I understand how scary, frustrating, and hard it can be to cope with a teenager addicted to social media, being secretive with online activity, or engaging in alarming gaming activity. It's never too late to build trust between parents and kids, and it's never too late to support your kids by empowering them with the knowledge to navigate the online world. Seek out support and know that you still have the power to have a positive influence on your children. It all starts with open and honest communication, love, and curiosity.

About the Author:

Ashley McGuire is a Professional Keynote Speaker and Peacemaker Consultant who advocates for families, organizations, and communities on Restorative work -transforming conflict and building strong connections. Her work has been recognized regionally for its innovation, engagement, and effectiveness.

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Direct (909) 519-3712 - [email protected]