Teaching By Vulnerability

It seems that everyone I talk to these days wants to change our culture of hatred. But over and over again people ask me the same question: “How do you expect me to get along with those people? I refuse to compromise my principles for people who are contemptible.”

Beneath this question is a real fear: that by becoming respectful of people with whom you disagree, you will make it appear that you are okay with opinions that you find unacceptable. When it seems like the required cost of changing our culture is compromising our values, it almost immediately leads to a short circuit: “I’m not in for that.” We may begin with wanting to change the culture but quickly we find ourselves risking compromise and, instead, opt to stand up for our principles. So the division persists and we continue our slide into increased hostility and explosive anger.

But clearly we’re missing another option and none other than Pope Francis and Joe Biden put it on display last week. The U.S. President, who champions issues at odds with the Pope, met with the Pope, who champions issues at odds with the President. As far as I know, neither compromised on the issues that divide them. And, as far as I know, they also didn’t have a shouting match or a name-calling session. And neither posted Twitter attacks or manipulative demonizing after the meeting.

So what happened? Of course, I can’t know for sure, but I think it’s pretty clear that neither person believed that his position would be helped by shaming or scapegoating the other. It’s not that they didn’t try to advance their points of view, it’s that they did so with a whole different set of tactics and incentives that respected the dignity of the other.

The theologian Rev. James Alison refers to this as “teaching by vulnerability, not righteousness.” I think he means that there is a way of holding fast to your good and just convictions by teaching them without shaming or attacking others. Did the Pope or the President speak with “vulnerability” in their meeting? I can’t be sure, but I do sense that each respects the other’s desire to follow the stirrings of their conscience. Some will look at the picture and note that they agree with Biden. Others, that they agree with Francis. But what each of them seems to be saying is that the way to advance their issues is through dialogue and encounter steeped in respecting the dignity of the other.

This is as much skill as art. Meisha Lerato Robinson sent me this beautiful framework describing how to be “present” with those who don’t value being aware and open and growing and changing (Credit:Asé Healing LLC):

1 - Let go of your expectations: Any time we aren’t present with ‘what is’ we are creating suffering for ourselves. Ask yourself how you can see them as they are instead of how you want them to be. Become curious about your own resistances to loving them as they are, now.

2 - See them as a mirror: In every scenario we can use the interactions for our own inner Work. Always ask, “What am I learning about myself? What are they triggering within me? Why?”

3 - Lead through example: Decide to embody the qualities you are projecting onto them and lead through example instead of criticism. Ask yourself if you have a golden shadow. Are you expecting others to show up as YOU are actually meant to show up?

4 - Maintain your own energy: In triggering situations it gets easier to lose our core vibration. Maintaining internal heights will not only help us to stay centered, but it helps co-regulate the energy of the person you are interacting with.

5 - Look for the divine in them: No matter what your mind is saying about this person, at the end of the day you come from the same One. Look deeper past their form and personality for the truth of their soul. (This doesn’t mean throw out boundaries.)

6 - See their inner child: Remember always that each person has a unique journey of struggles, traumas, and unhealed wounds. Remember that all negative behavior is a programmed response to conditioning and past experiences. In a sense, we are all children in adult bodies doing the best with what we know.

I love all these points, especially the advice to “look for the divine” in the other. I know some won’t feel drawn to the word “divine” but maybe each of us can find a way to “look deeper” and see the “soul” of the other. I believe that a deeper goodness in the soul is always there, no matter how hidden it may have become. Contempt blocks our capacity to see it and thus blocks our capacity to awaken it in others and in ourselves too. The secret hiding in plain sight is this: we can’t change anyone’s mind with contempt. But we can change minds with example and energy and with seeing others as they are, not as we demand they be. We all know what it feels like to be seen and understood: it’s everything. And when we feel that way, anything is possible.

You don’t have to agree with someone to meet as Francis and Biden did, to look deeper, to see without judgement, to know that wounds remain. Whose positions will prevail? I don’t know. But I am confident that if we meet each other that way and lead by example, not criticism, anything is indeed possible.

We can, in truth, reduce hatred and contempt in our culture not by compromising our beliefs but by adding one: be a uniter, not a divider.

In unity,

Tim