Teacher Guilt: Addressing the Truth about Leaving the Classroom

Guilt is a HEAVY word! It can be as massive as being found responsible for a crime with a harsh punishment or it can be a mental strain over something perceived to be your responsibility.

As a classroom teacher, I carried around a lot of guilt. My daily feelings of remorse centered around my personal feelings about my performance and my worry that I was letting my administrators down. In my early teaching years, my daily feelings of remorse centered around my personal feelings about my performance on the job. In my later teacher years, my daily feelings of remorse centered around feelings of letting my administrators down because I was trying to juggle a work-life balance. No matter how many hours I worked or trainings I mastered, in my mind, my best was never good enough.?

Among the thousands of guilty feelings that swirled through my mind over the years, few will be forever ingrained in my mind.?

It was my fourth year teaching and my first year in a non Title I school. The environment was a complete 180 from my first three years of teaching. The students at this school could all read. In fact, they would read happily for 45 minutes a day. All except one. She couldn’t read anything. Her kind demeanor and warm smile made it “easy” to gloss over the glaring issues. Not only was she wonderful, her family was too. They trusted me and the school to know why she was struggling and how to help her. I fought as hard as I knew how to fight for her that year. She had services for small group remediation and parent volunteer tutoring but there was no growth because no one really knew what the true problem was. Twenty years later I am confident she is dyslexic. Unfortunately, I don’t know what happened to this big-hearted joyful little girl. All I know is that I did not do enough for her but I did the best that I could with what I knew. I left the classroom after this year. The guilt was too big, leaving me questioning if teaching was the right career path for me.?

The year I returned to the classroom my first child was 11 months old. Two weeks into school I found out I was pregnant with my second. It had been six years since I left the classroom and I missed it! I was eager to jump back and right the wrongs. I poured everything I had into teaching that year and poured almost nothing into my family. I was one of the first teachers there in the morning and the last to leave when the gate was locked at the end of the day.? I remember almost everything about the students and my co-teacher. I remember very little about my son as a one-year-old. That’s the truth. I don’t remember because I wasn’t present physically or mentally. The 60+ hour work weeks and energy depleting work days left me with very little to give to anyone in my family. The guilt of not being there for my son was intense. The following year I went part-time to try to create a balance. It was better, I only worked about 40 hours now. I had time in the late afternoon evenings to spend with my baby and 2 year old but part-time positions are always temporary. The next year my part-time allotment was gone so I left the classroom for a second time. I couldn’t win. I would feel guilt if I chose to stay but I also felt guilt for abandoning my fellow teachers, administrators, students, and families…again.?

When my kids started elementary school the teaching itch came back. It came back because I was more equipped than ever to make a difference - now I was an Orton Gillingham Associate. I finally had the expertise to really make a difference. I knew this because I saw it work, time and time again with my tutoring students. I was elated to get back into the classroom and make a difference on a larger scale. I felt strongly about the importance of my role, and on multiple occasions during professional development, I felt a heavy sense of sadness coupled with responsibility. There was one in particular that had me in tears. An amazing leader in education spoke at my school. She explained her journey as a classroom teacher to a co-founder of a school. She validated teachers by acknowledging the sacrifices that we make. She inspired us to continue our work. Through my tears, the guilt began to resurface. Once again I was continually pouring into others and their children but neglecting myself and my own. The guilt of putting teaching before my family was back. I left the classroom again…for the third time.??

This is the final time. It has taken me years to finally accept that my best is good enough. I gave ten years of myself to classroom education and for that I am proud. I am releasing the guilt of leaving the classroom knowing that while I was in it I gave it all I had.?

It has now been a year since I “retired” from the classroom. My ten years of teacher guilt is now my motivation. My passion for spreading awareness and knowledge about the science of reading is stronger than ever. Education doesn’t have to be confined to four walls, hopefully with a window or two. Being an educator today comes in different forms but at the core of them all is a passion for supporting and encouraging our youth to be the best version of themselves. To all the teachers, past and present, release the guilt, your best is good enough. No matter how long or little you stay in the classroom, know that your time there matters and there is more for you outside those four walls if you want it.

Thank you for all you do every second, every minute, every day for our children!