Teach your kids how to learn

I think too often we believe that school is the place where our kids learn how to learn. While this could be true, if they’re fortunate enough to have great teachers, we shouldn’t rely on it.

School is where our kids go to learn, not necessarily where they learn how to learn.

That may seem like a distinction without a difference, but it isn’t.

To know how to learn means to know how to be aware, observant, and honest with yourself. If your child can do these things while learning, they can learn almost anything.

I’m not trying to sell snake oil. I’m not saying it is easy. It takes work and time and repetition of practicing these skills.

The point is, we shouldn’t assume they are getting this practice at school or anywhere else. We also shouldn’t assume that some people are born with this ability, and some aren’t.

Every kid can become an expert at how to learn.

And when they do, doors open up for them that never would have otherwise. The most obvious is that they will perform better at school. They will understand the most effective way for them to learn and it will translate to better grades.

Beyond that though, because grades should not be the PRIMARY driver of anything, they will learn to pick up other skills much faster. Whether they play piano, run track, train jiu jitsu, build robots, or work in the garden. It doesn’t matter the activity, when you know how to learn you can apply it to anything.

And even more importantly, learning how to learn will allow them to better understand the world around them and themselves. I pause on that point, because that can be the point where some start to think this is getting pretty grandiose and impractical.

Please don’t dismiss this so quickly. The number one goal for almost any parent is to prepare their kids for the real world and give them a chance at a thriving/fulfilling life.

That is why we send them to school. That is why we make them brush their teeth. That is why we discipline them when they do wrong. That is why we encourage them to chase their dreams. That is why we worry about them. That is why we do almost everything we do for them.

If we teach our kids how to learn—how to be aware, observant, and honest with themselves—the clarity they will have can be transformative. When they make mistakes, when they find themselves in challenging situations, or when they are trying to decide what the right thing to do is; in all of those moments they will be better off.

When they learn how to learn, every one of those moments becomes an opportunity to improve and upgrade. They’re able to see their own blind spots and the patterns in their behavior. They’ll be able to be honest with themselves about their actions and how they align with what really matters to them.

Take the most obvious scenario, a kid spending too much time on screens. How many of us wish we could get our kids to want to do something else other than just stare at a screen?

The reality is unless they choose for themselves to want to do something else, we are always going to be swimming against the tide. But how do we get them to want to do something else?

We teach them how to learn. We teach them how to learn about themselves.

If you spend time instilling the importance of self-awareness and being observational about your actions, thoughts, and beliefs; you give them a chance. If you give them opportunities to practice these skills and provide them guidance and support along the way; you give them a chance.

Every decision we make in life, including our kid’s decision to spend time on Tik Tok, is rooted in a cost/benefit calculation. Every decision is our mind running a pros/cons list and determining what’s the optimal choice for us. That is how the human mind works.

The reason our kids don’t want to stop looking at Tik Tok is that the cost/benefit keeps spitting back an answer that watching funny videos is better than most anything else.

Our only hope of changing their behavior is to change that calculation, to change the inputs they are using in their cost/benefit. When we make them more aware, observational, and honest with themselves, it allows them to change those inputs.

They have the opportunity to factor in that when they finish looking at Tik Tok they always feel tired and crappy afterwards.

They can identify that spending 15-30 minutes scrolling social media might be OK, but 2 and half hours seems excessive.

They can start to think about what they’re really passion about in life, what makes them feel alive, and use that as motivation to get off the couch.

It's still a calculation and they’re still kids, so sometimes the benefits of Tik Tok will win. But we are giving them a better chance.

As time goes on and they build these skills, they’ll start to think in a more sophisticated way about their behaviors.

That’s the best-case scenario for getting our kids off screens—them realizing for themselves that there are better things they can do with their time.

It is not yelling at them or punishing them, it is not locking their phone away in a pouch, and it is not hoping the social media companies will stop making their apps so addictive.

That is why we need to teach our kids how to learn. That is how we prepare them for the real world.

That means you have to find time and opportunities to teach them how to be aware, observant, and honest with themselves.

Personally, I’ve found Brazilian Jiu Jitsu to be a really effective activity for this (but the reality is there are thousands of different ways to do it, find the one that is right for your kid).

When I teach jiu jitsu to my son or other kids, I don’t just teach them the techniques and concepts. I make them think about the implications and context around those techniques.

It’s not just: this is how you perform an arm bar.

It is: let’s look at this arm bar position and see why it works so effectively, what are the mechanics here? Now let’s look at it from the defensive side and see what makes it hard to perform. What else does this remind you of, what’s the principle around control that applies to other positions?

Even more, it’s “hey I see you’re looking around and not really paying attention today. Do you want to learn jiu jitsu? And I’m not asking that in a way that forces you to say yes. I’m asking you to actually think about it and give an honest answer. Is this something you want to do?

And if the answer is no, can you be honest with yourself about why? Is it because you don’t enjoy doing it at all? Is it because it’s too hard? Is it because you’re being lazy and would rather play video games?”

There is a depth and nuance to these learning moments that is hard to convey in writing, but hopefully you get the idea. We are using a jiu jitsu lesson as an opportunity to learn how to be aware, observational, and honest with ourselves. We are probing and exploring and creating opportunities for them to learn about themselves. ?

I believe we need to be instilling this into our kids regularly. It is critical they learn how to learn, and we can’t assume they are getting lessons like this anywhere else.

I understand this can seem like an abstract concept that there really isn’t time for in today’s busy world. When you’re going through the list of stuff you have to do today, “teaching my kid how to be aware and observant” doesn’t usually get priority over make dinner, clean the house, take the kids to practice, find time to exercise, and get my project done for work.

I get it.

But in the spirit of what we’re talking about, I think we owe it to our kids to be more thoughtful about our own cost/benefit calculations. If you are truly being aware, observant, and honest with yourself—is all of the other stuff really more important than teaching them how to learn?