“Teach them how to say goodbye”

Let’s talk about “attrition.” I don’t love attrition, and never have. I’m working on it all – how to think about it, plan for it, be okay with it, etc…..I’m processing and debating and I’m building mental capacity to be better with it. I think I’m getting better, maybe? What I do know for a fact is that the past ten years has been a roller coaster for me and organizations I’ve gotten the opportunity to lead and work within on how to find, enable, empower, and retain the right kind of people. And equally as important, help those who don’t want to be a part of the organization find something new. And even more important, intentionally move people on who deserve something better, something greater than they are doing today. A roller coaster.

I don’t have that many answers but I can say with confidence that the cycle never really stops and there really is not formulaic approach to predict or control elements of attrition – I keep getting surprised and confused, and I keep feeling proud and supportive at the same time. Is that natural? To feel both frustrated (at times) and ecstatic (at times), and often feeling both of those ends of the spectrum for the same employee situation? My new-ish “life coach” tells me I’m broken here and fixate on it too much. He’s a bit pompous and uneducated, so there that is. I guess he’s right here and there as well, so let me just scribble down some thoughts here and hopefully, by the end of this entry I’ll feel better about attrition.

Why I don’t like it:

For those unfamiliar with that word, the internet I carry around in my pocket lists “erosion” as a synonym to attrition, and it refer to people leaving your organization. So specifically, “talent erosion.” What sounds likable about that?! Can you imagine leading an All-In, Leadership Team, or just a peer connection and referring to the ‘erosion of talent’ we have and somehow try and align that to being a positive sentiment?! Nope, can’t do it, won’t do it. Until very recently, I specifically looked at attrition as a performance indicator on me, THE Leader. The internal processing my mind managed told me that if somebody wants to leave, it’s because I haven’t done a good enough job explaining the upside and opportunity here, that I haven’t supported their career development and challenged them enough to go above and beyond in solving problems here that only they could solve, that I didn’t invest enough in making them feel special and valued. That I didn’t listen to their feedback and made them a part of the solution moving forward. Ugh, that’s been difficult for me. Hence, I don’t love attrition….

How I think about it now:

I mentioned I *used* to take it on myself. Until recently, I discovered that I’ve got very little to do with it and it’s not on me. I mean, sometimes, some of it is on me as the spiritual and strategic leader of the organization but I discovered that I was putting too many lights on ME when other people needed to do what’s right for THEM. Talk about a brand new day! I credit my current extended leadership team for coaching me through this transformation. They’ve had to deal with my saltiness on attrition enough times to talk me off the ledge until one day, it kicked in for me: it isn’t about me. My job is to help and support everybody on all career development opportunities, period. I don’t agree with a lot of them, but I’m also strong enough now to admit that I’m wrong a lot…not as much as my life coach but that’s a different journal entry for another time. I want people to be the best versions of themselves in whatever organization I am blessed to be a part of. If an individual does the analysis and they do the math and they decide they have upside in something – compensation, ownership, responsibility, skills, relationships, etc. – I am okay with that and as a leader, I want to support the courage and optimism these employees are showing even if it means leaving our team.

But still, losing an employee to elsewhere is just hard. There’s this feeling of pride you have in helping and supporting them for the duration they were in your team, coupled with this inspiration and awe they’ve always provided me in how damn good they are at their jobs. I think it’s natural to think you’ve got the best organization in the planet on opportunity and culture, particularly if you care enough to be THAT place for employees. But it’s mutually beneficial from my perspective: I get to watch these people work every single day. And when an All-Star leaves your hometown team, it sucks. But I still want to follow their career, wear their jersey, support them in the box scores and you know I am recruiting them back home. I want them to know I’ll always support and believe in them regardless of where they went or why, but sometimes it just takes a little time and perspective for me to get there….

How I process it:

Which brings me to the journey my mind goes on when I learn of attrition. For me, losing an employee from the team that you weren’t expecting to leave is not as serious as losing someone “in real life” but it still carries grief with it. And for me personally, nothing else in personal or professional scenarios triggers the 5-stage process of managing grief more than a surprise attrition from the team. For those who are unfamiliar with this documented journey on managing through grief, I got you:

1. Denial. I always seem to be in denial, to be shocked, even when I know it’s thoughtful career progression and/or it’s clear that the person isn’t right or loving the job. I can’t help this. Sometimes, it’s a “wow, I’m surprised it took this long” but most of the time it’s, “what are you talking about?!” I wear the shock well because legitimately, I’m always surprised. I now know I’m going to be surprised so I think I handle it better as a result. Expect to be surprised ??.
2. Then, the next phase is Anger – I don’t actually experience this very much. I pride myself on being an optimist and looking long-term at all relationships and getting angry has never seemed to arrange the neurons in my head in any more productive way than before I was fired up in the first place. Then again, I do go on some pretty good rants when I’m fired up on something so I guess it kind of depends on when and how I hear the news. Back to the point…I very rarely feel really angry or mad about it – just more denial that it must be fake news than frustration that it’s real. This has been major growth for me the past few years – it’s not about me.
3. Bargaining. Well, now this phase I spend some cycles on. In fact, when my time comes and the good Lord finally cashes in on all the IOU’s with my name on it…they will probably find more dead brain cells on rationalization / bargaining in my skull than those I killed with alcohol – and I love a good Old Fashion. I bargain a lot – I immediately turn to thoughts surrounding what I could have done differently, what I WILL do differently, what chips I have to call in to change the decision or impact the process. I hate feeling that the decision is out of my hands because I immediately rationalize that I didn’t do enough and it’s on my shoulders to be better next time. So I make the plans according…to be better next time which only results in…
4. Sadness – I don’t use the word depression here because for me, that’s a big word that impacts a lot of people with significance that I would never trivialize in a conversation around attrition. But I do feel sad. I feel sad for the person (if I think it’s a weird/bad move particularly), I feel sad for the team, I feel sad for those people they work with. I sometimes even go so far as to feel sad for the team they’re going to: “Serial job-hopper coming your way! Prepare to have your heart broken too!!” Don’t put that on a t-shirt. I feel sad for me and the leadership team, and I take accountability on it. Until very recently, I really took these to heart because like I said, attrition was 98% attributable to my inability as a leader to create space and opportunities. So yes, I feel accountable and that leads to sadness. I focus on growing here the most and I think I’m improving. But I still feel sad and accountable to a certain extent, It’s just less than 98% which is a win.
5. Acceptance – If I may, I’m really good here my people. Once I get it, I get it – I’m getting to this phase a lot faster now. It doesn’t mean I care any less about those that leave, the impact it has on the team that remains, and my own process of dealing with missing out on watching these amazing people excel in our organization. But I get it now, and I want to support and be the best long-term leader that these employees feel they deserve when they chose to work in our organization in the first place. And do that, I have to accept and support, there is no other option.

And that’s how to plan for it as well, for the record – start with the end in mind. It’s going to happen, so be closer to Acceptance than Denial in your mental mind-map. How you process and support the conversations with the person and the rest of the organization completely changes at that point. I was also reflecting recently on all of the incredible peers and managers and leaders that I’ve had the opportunity to work with and under, and learn from in the past. One time early in my career, I got an out of band promotion in the middle of a quarter and then three months later, I got another one. I chalked it up at the time to my leadership team really believing in my capabilities and obviously, because I was a pretty bad dude who got stuff done like you wouldn’t believe back in the day. The more I think about it, part of those sentiments are still true. Leaders are supposed to put their people in the best position possible to drive the greatest impact they possibly can. Sometimes, they need higher levels to get access to different jobs; sometimes they need new relationships to blossom; sometimes they need new challenges in an unfamiliar context to really hone their prioritization and problem-solving skills; sometimes they just need to know they can do anything they put their minds to…because you helped prepare them.?

I, David Wayne Totten, hereby accept people will leave – for real or perceived benefits. And I will do all I can to make this organization the best place on the planet to work and challenge this team every single day to raise the bar. But the core of my job isn’t the ‘widget’…it’s the people. And it’s my sole accountability to prepare people in my organization to do want do even more than I can forecast for them here. So while we work hard to retain and extend our talent here in the team, I promise to also teach them how to say goodbye…..for now anyway.

dwt.

**As a reminder, these are not 'leadership lessons' that I personally have mastered, but rather what I refer to as my own IP, my 'Imperfect Pontifications', where I wallow on mistakes I've made and key learnings I took away. It’s not a blueprint for success but rather something I hope you’ll read and find thought provoking and, more importantly, a kinship or allyship with professional growth and leading through the same challenges I’ve messed up on several times over. I’m not a professional writer and have no marketers, legal, or spiritual leaders “producing this production,” it’s just me. So there will be grammatical errors and conflicting points and I love that. I hope you do too!?It's not a representation or an official perspective of my current employer and cultural identity, but thanks for asking :).