Teach People How to Treat You

We have all been there – a strained relationship where you feel used, mistreated, taken advantage or beat down. You can change the way people treat you both in your personal and professional relationships. In the business setting, it is typically a supervisor that holds excessive expectations on the results and timing of those results over a subordinate.

Teaching people how to treat you in such circumstances is a process which involves introducing them to what you hold to be acceptable and unacceptable. It is essential that you have clarity on your values.

You teach people how to treat you by:

1.?????Defining your expectations,

2.?????Setting clear boundaries,

3.?????Communicating these expectations objectively, and

4.?????Exiting situations you find unacceptable.

Admittedly, this can be an arduous process when dealing with the corporate world. The fear of looking weak or not accepting full responsibility looms in our minds. However, if you don’t stake this claim early, it could take a path that you may soon regret.

Take note - no matter what your situation, and no matter how long it has been going on, you can turn things around. You hold the keys and the power within you to change things.

Here are 5 key actions to teach others how to treat you:

Start with yourself

·???????Define what works and doesn’t work for you - you need to be clear on what you need and how you expect to be treated so that you can be consistent and address the issues that affect you. Be able to answer: what do I want, deserve, earn, and value?

·???????Treat yourself properly – ask yourself how do I treat myself? Self-respect is the foundation here. The way you treat yourself sets the lowest bar for how others should treat you.

·???????Talk to yourself properly – your thoughts are the knife that you hold in your hand. Choose the direction wisely. You can choose to stab yourself with negative thoughts or heal yourself with positive ones. Your inner dialogue can take control of the blade and bloody you if you are not careful. A simple change of inner dialogue can work wonders. For example, changing "Kurt really ticks me off” to “I allow my anger to show up when Kurt is an ass” can turn your mental state around. Another example – “Kurt makes me feel like a dummy” to “I allow Kurt’s words to make me feel like a dummy” will begin the process to you realizing that you hold the cards. Nobody else does. Don’t judge and punish yourself. Turn the words around. Today.

·???????Address your Mindset - don’t take personal responsibility for other’s words and actions – a cognitive distortion is defined as tendencies, patterns, and biased perspectives that twist your thinking. This makes you see things more negatively than they really are. The more cognitive distortions that you experience, the more negative your thoughts can be. Own your actions that caused this opinion, but not the opinion itself. When you identify that your thoughts are not entirely truthful and rational, you might find it easier to cope with them. If you realize that some things aren’t your responsibility, you might let them go instead of trying to control them.

·???????Believe you are Worthy - if you don’t think you are worthy of being treated with decency and professionalism then you shall not be treated so. Coach John Marks (my high school freshman basketball coach) once asked, “If you don’t believe in yourself, why should I believe in you?” Belief comes from within. It means you have to let go of the opposite thoughts – “I am not worthy, I am worthless” – before you can believe the new ones – “I am worthy of happiness. I am worthy of work-life balance. I am worthy of being treated right.”

Set Your Rules of Engagement

People don’t know how you want to be treated. Teach them! Be transparent and concise. In business, have a professional meeting to discuss your RoE. Timing is critical here. Do it early in the relationship if possible. Also, make sure everyone is positive and open to the discussion – having it during a disagreement or 20 minutes before a Board meeting won’t work.

Examples of Rules may include:

• Contact during non-business hours. At the C-level we hold certain responsibilities that dictate we live by results, not by a timeclock. However, distinguishing between an emergency (“the system went down”) and an issue that can wait until Monday (“This report is due in two weeks”) is the key parameter.
• No yelling or belittling.
• Keep it issue-related. No personal attacks – even in the heat of the moment.
• Clear and direct communication. Don’t assume. Do not talk indirectly to others about items that should only be discussed directly with another.
• Team management. For example, “My department is my team. I will handle PIPs, bad news, and evaluations.”

Communicate Clearly and Professionally

Ditch screaming “I work too much!!!“and professionally communicate “I’d appreciate 15 minutes of your time to look at my workload and prioritize”. It is critical to identify (1) Your RoE and (2) define exactly what that means. No BMC (B****ing, Moaning, Complaining) – all that is heard is desperation and immaturity needed for C-level success, and will have the opposite effect of what you are trying to accomplish.

Be Your Own Role Model

Be the Lead in your own Autobiography where you dig yourself out of this hole and have everybody in the theatre cheering for you at the end. Be the person you want other people to be. Cue up the Golden Rule here but take it a step further: treat people better than you want to be treated. Live it.

Prepare for Possible Pain

When you undertake this process, realize that this could take months…maybe years.

And maybe never! There will be people who don’t care or won’t hear what you’re saying. You’ll run into rigid or defensive types that will not accept nor understand your motives. At this point you have to ask yourself several questions: What’s in your best interest? What are you willing to tolerate? How can this be turned into a mutually beneficial situation without major cost (values, health, time, etc.) to you?

Teaching people how to treat you is not the easiest task you will face, but you owe it to yourself to be treated fairly and professionally. You shape others’ behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.