Not Tapping Out: How Jiu Jitsu taught me to embrace discomfort, endure pain, and find freedom.

Read the original article on my blog finallybeingfrank.wordpress.com

Three years ago, I signed up for my first Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class.

At the time, my internal emotional pain was constantly pushing out of me, sitting right beneath my skin, waiting to burst out. Twenty-Seven and completely overwhelmed with unresolved trauma. Riddled with anxiety and depression, my emotions had a strangle hold on me.

You could feel it just by being around me - I was an emotional wreck. So burdened by my background of abandonment issues, emotional and verbal abuse, and cycles of people-pleasing and codependency, I had very few friends, a job I hated, and no confidence. I avoided confrontation and difficult situations any chance I could.?

Two months prior, I had fainted in the middle of a crowded Starbucks.?

What’s worse? I wasn’t sleeping. I went though a 3-4 week period of getting less than 3 hours of sleep each night.

I was desperate for a positive change in my life.?

I followed a hunch I had been thinking about for a while and signed up for a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ for short) gym near me. I knew the sport was designed for smaller people to use self defense techniques such as managing distance between you and your attacker.?

The key is to utilize your lack of size to your advantage, and if necessary,?to hyperextend limbs or use chokes to get your opponent to submit or “tap out” (instead of trying to punch or kick and potentially hurt someone).

In my first few weeks, as soon as my training partner got anywhere close to my throat on a choke, I’d immediately panic and either spazz or tap out.?

Three years, 5 “stripes” and my blue belt later, jiu jitsu has taught me to fight back, to never give up, and that no matter how poor of a situation you find yourself in, you can always find a way free.

There are times in the course of a fight (or a “roll”, as we call it) where you’re caught in a trap. You’re tied in up some sort of awkward pretzel and you feel limbs, uniform lapels, or the gym mats closing in on all sides of your neck. The world is getting smaller, and your breathing gets tight. Fight or flight to the max. All you can focus on is the fact that you can’t move much and you’re incredibly vulnerable. Your training partner has caught you in their trap and you can hear your last seconds of air whimpering out of your trachea. In truth, you’re a few seconds away from brain damage or death.?

You’ve got 2 options: tap out and accept the loss, or find a way out.

These are the moments I’ve learned to endure. To sit in that pain, defend and protect myself, and find the way to freedom.

And it mirrors life…?

I find myself in an incredibly uncomfortable position - overwhelmed by everything on my plate, forced to make tough decisions and balance life’s “attacks” from seemingly every direction.?

I feel the weight of my recent decisions and the actions of others swallowing up my breathing space. The world gets smaller, my breath gets tight. Fight or flight triggered. Caught in life’s traps, I’m incredibly vulnerable. I think to myself, What do I do?!

Endure.

Back on the mats, whether by sheer will, growing confidence in myself, or stubbornness, I refuse to tap out. ?

I writhe my body and wiggle in any way I can just to manage to create enough space to slide my fingers between my training partner’s attacking limbs and my throat. Ok, I can breathe a little easier.?

I force my arm up through that gap and now my entire arm and shoulder have made it out of the trap. Whew, ok I’ve got room to work with.

I’m not out of dodge yet, I’m still in an awful position, but now I have space to move my upper body and I can start to fight back. My clearer thinking comes back and I can remember the technique my coach taught us for this situation. Find a way to back my hips out.?

I bridge my hips to create space between myself and my attacker and quickly slip one of my knees in between us.?

And then the other.?

And all of a sudden, I’m out.

I’m free.?

That’s the technique!?

Feel the pain, defend and protect myself, and find my way free.

I feel the pain by journaling, listening to music, or being vulnerable enough to call a friend and vent, or when I need to, cry. By allowing myself to feel it and experience it momentarily, I let that pain out.?

Because it was never about me; It’s not my fault.?

This time I get to make a choice, and I vow to never be hurt that way again.?

This time, I choose to protect myself.

I defend and protect myself by setting boundaries. I say no to things I don’t want to do, I tell people to give me space, I don’t text back right away. I preserve my alone time so I can do what I need to recharge.?

I learn to prioritize me.?

To take care of me.?

To love me.?

And I find my way free.