Tap Into the Fearless Parent Within

Raising emotionally healthy and resilient children.

As a parent of two young boys, there’s been nothing quite as scary as my role in sculpting their little worlds and establishing the standards of behaviour in our home.

It’s been messy, I’ve made mistakes, and there have been times when I did not have my shit together. But a new day always comes, and with it, a renewed pledge to give them my best.

Below are a few words of wisdom compiled from books I’ve read across all different schools of thought on raising emotionally healthy, resilient kids.

I hope they help you approach parenthood from a place of empowerment, as they’ve done for me.

Praise effectively

As parents, we want to help give our kids a solid foundation of self-esteem, so we tend to boost them up and applaud their every move. While this may seem harmless, praise that is inauthentic and overzealous can be detrimental.

The distinction here is between evaluative praise and appreciative praise.

Evaluative praise is generalized, abstract and judgment-based: Great job! You’re a good little boy! You’re such a hard worker! This line of praise “creates anxiety, invites dependency and evokes defensiveness,” according to Nathaniel Branden . It also sows the seeds for approval addicts, whereby kids need external praise to form their own opinions of themselves, thus creating an environment where their self-worth will take a hit every time they fall short.

Another thing to note is that kids have an impeccable bullshit detector. If praise is overblown or exaggerated, they will feel overwhelmed and disoriented sensing that the praise doesn’t match their self-perception, nor is it congruent with their parents’ true feelings.

Instead, try using appreciative praise — be as specific, factual and descriptive as possible (“I love how straight your lines are and how much you concentrated when drawing.”) Not only will it carry more meaning, but it will reinforce more consciousness of their actions as they draw their own conclusions about themselves.

“If we wish to nurture autonomy, always leave space for the child to make his or her own evaluations, after we have described behavior. Leave the child free of the pressure of our judgments.” — Nathaniel Branden

Put simply — praise efforts and accomplishments, not character or personality.

Simplify their Lives

Kids these days are suffering from excess — too much stuff, too many choices, too much information, and too much speed.

In his book Simplicity Parenting, world renowned family consultant, Kim John Payne, discovered that children in affluent Western societies were exhibiting markers of post-traumatic stress disorder without having experienced any large “signature traumatic events”. They were presenting with the same anxiousness, hyper-vigilance, lack of empathy and lack of impulse control as kids in war-torn countries.

He found that a barrage of small, constant stressors were accumulating in their lives, which were collectively harming their sense of resilience and wellbeing.

Sensory overload, a surplus of clutter and toys, packed schedules, and too much screen time with open floodgates of stimulation and age-inappropriate information were all contributing factors.

The antidote to all this is to simplify.

Start by de-cluttering your kid’s physical and emotional environments. Slow down their days and create time for unstructured play and exploration. Limit distractions and screen time, and establish daily rhythms instead of hyper-rigid schedules. Then step back and watch how your kids re-centre, reconnect, and flourish.

Payne describes the effects that simplifying can have on chronically-stressed kids:

“Stress can push children along the behavioral spectrum. When you simplify a child’s life on a number of levels, back they come.”

Accept the Feeling

Let’s face it, kids have BIG feelings.

Tantrums, meltdowns, yelling and crying are all part of the deal. Despite the headache and uncomfortable public spectacles, it’s useful to remember that kids can only be held responsible for their behaviour, not their feelings.

It’s the lesson I wish I had been taught at an earlier age, and one that would have saved me much confusion and inner turmoil in adulthood, and that is:

All feelings are OKAY.

When we say things like “Boys don’t cry,” or “Go to your room until you calm down,” we are telling our kids that some emotions are undesirable and that these parts of themselves should be disowned or suppressed.

It can also signal to kids that displaying certain emotions will cause them to be cast away by their caregivers, which can sow the seeds of anxious attachment . Thus their natural inclination is to bury these “bad” feelings, which can cause untold damage reaching well into adulthood.

Denied anger can turn inward and morph into depression, denied fear invites poor decision-making and judgment surrounding risks, and denied emotional pain can transform into self-shame.

So how do we handle accepting all the feelings — the good, bad and ugly?

First off, when kids are melting down, it’s impossible for them to listen so attempting to teach a lesson, distribute advice or even provide constructive criticism is futile.

The best approach I’ve come across for diffusing a situation is to listen, acknowledge and then reflect back their feelings with understanding. It may feel difficult in the moment to find legitimacy in your kids’ emotions, as they tend to have mysterious triggers and seemingly nonsensical justifications. But nonetheless, accepting the feeling will help them feel seen by you, secure in your love and in a better place to manage the emotion behind the expression, which is a predecessor for self-regulation.

The simple act of identifying the feeling in order to move through it makes a world of difference. “Naming and Taming” the emotion activates the pre-frontal cortex, which brings our brains back into a state of higher-level processing, and initiates a sense of calm and control.

The easiest thing to remember about big feelings is simply knowing that they will pass. Crying, in particular, acts like a tension release valve and accumulated stress tends to flow out at unexpected times. Offering a hug, holding your child and letting them release their emotions within your caring presence can go a long way.

In navigating the intricate journey of parenthood, it’s crucial to approach the task with intentionality and mindfulness, recognizing the profound impact our words and actions have on shaping our children’s worlds.

Embracing a balanced approach to praise, emphasizing effort and accomplishments over innate traits, fosters resilience and self-esteem. Simplifying their lives by reducing clutter, limiting distractions, and allowing for unstructured play facilitates emotional well-being and connection.

Moreover, accepting and validating their range of emotions, from joy to anger, cultivates a safe space for emotional expression and growth.

Ultimately, by incorporating these principles of praise, simplicity, and emotional acceptance, we empower ourselves as parents to nurture emotionally healthy, resilient children who thrive in the complexities of life.