The Tao of Ted Lasso: Life, Leadership and the Art of Getting Along (Part 5: Detachment)

The Tao of Ted Lasso: Life, Leadership and the Art of Getting Along

Part 5: Detachment

We’ve discussed the principles of humility and curiosity and how humility makes it easy to be curious. I’ve also made the argument that curiosity is probably the single most important attribute anyone can have, especially a leader or a spouse. Let's now look at the Taoist principle of detachment and where we find examples of it in Ted Lasso.

Before we do that its worth nothing that detachment also features prominently in Buddhism, which is said to have evolved a hundred years after Taoism in India, about 500 BC. Whether these two philosophies, both of which place a great deal of emphasis on the notion of detachment, truly evolved independently of each other is a head scratcher.?What are the odds that two different cultures speaking different languages who invested a lot of mental cycles thinking big thoughts trying to make sense of the randomness of the world would conclude that detachedness was important for members of a society? Must be important.

It turns out that detachment is necessary for curiosity because curiosity is an acknowledgement to oneself that you don't know something. This can be unsettling for those pursuing a strategy of maintaining the appearance of being in control and having all bases covered. Such as a high paid executive. Or a new hire. Or a spouse. Or a devout believer. But is detachment a good strategy for a leader?

Think of it as a systemic process: negative stimuli-> detachment -> curiosity -> (placeholder) -> reaction?

We'll cover the placeholder in the next essay.?

Take as an example the stated certainty that “the earth is flat”. Add a data point “a sailboat disappears over the horizon.” If you're attached to the certainty, you'll formulate an alternative theory that supports your original statement “the world is flat so the sailboat fell off the edge of the world.” You might even be tempted to excommunicate the person who says otherwise.

With detachment the data point “a sailboat disappears over the horizon” instead leads you to be curious, to ask questions and consider a full range of possible explanations.

The scientific process is based on detachment. History shows that it leads to discovery and innovation, but at the short term social cost of instability. The society needs to be able to handle the truth. Orthodoxy on the other hand is based on attachment. History shows that it leads to consistency with the social long term social cost of stagnation. Think Spanish Inquisition. Decisions, decisions.

An interesting read on this theme is 'Guns Germs and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies' by Jared Diamond. The central tenet is that competitive advantage builds over time unless something extraordinary happens, like the society imploding due to natural or external forces. He makes an interesting comparison between the evolution of western societies, which were anything but stable, and the evolution of the Chinese culture, which in relative terms was more stable. The notion of competitive advantage building over time also has applicability to structural discrimination whether it be based on race, sex or anything else one can discriminate against.

Let's look at a different example, this time from Ted Lasso. A fan, player, and reporter call Ted a ‘wanker’ (for those unfamiliar with British insults, it's not nice.)?Too abstract? Haven't watched the show? Let's try a few examples that a wider audience can relate to.?

Car cuts you off. Man in line yells at you for being too slow. Your spouse complains about the dishes you just washed not being clean. You ask a question and the other person snickers “that is a dumb question.” You're having a discussion about politics (does anyone actually do that anymore?) and the other uses the word “demo-tard”, or “fascist” or “disgusting”, labels you or becomes judgmental. Your boss tells you your work is "disappointing" or that “a monkey could do your job” (true story).?

In other words the interaction becomes a little personal. That usually triggers an emotional response. They way it did on the playground in elementary school. Or 11,000 years ago when a member of one tribe met a member of another eliciting a fight or flight response.

One can react to such stimuli with anger, hurt, embarrassment or any number of other flavors of emotions (recognizing and defining emotions is a fascinating tangent in and of itself.) Alternatively one can detach, observe and analyze what is happening objectively as would an academic or if it were a case study, and use the knowledge of the other’s lack of curiosity to gain an advantage. Ted hustling Rebecca's ex at darts for example.

Basic EQ stuff but doing so is easier said than done. Emotions are hardwired into all of us. Detachment requires discipline and relearning foundational emotional responses to view what is experienced in the abstract (or from a child’s mind as the Buddhists teach.)

Strong leaders almost universally have detachment mastered. Engineers and scientists generally are pretty good at detachment. I’ve rarely experienced an engineer react emotionally when provided with information that contradicts an assumption they’ve made or when an inconsistency in their logic is pointed out. I suspect it's because they are used to dealing in facts and their work is subject to more formal peer review than are non-techies & non-scientists. Or Joe at the bar who seems to have an uninformed opinion on nearly everything.

In an early episode in Season 1 during a press conference Ted is asked by Trent Crimm, a reporter for the newspaper The Independent, to explain the offside rule. It's a potentially embarrassing moment, but Ted responds unflappably by referring to the 1964 U.S. Supreme Court definition of pornography. “It ain't easy to explain, but you know it when you see it.” he says.

There is no pause in his answer which in real life would suggest that Ted was prepared for the question. No surprise there. It's common knowledge Ted has zero experience with the game. There could have been any number of such embarrassing questions asked, but the universe of possible expertise-related questions was finite and the offside rule is a well-known enigma whether it be in soccer or hockey.?Odds are he was going to be asked about it.

His boss, team owner Rebecca Welton, on the other hand is asked later during the same presser by another reporter about her former husband who is dating a model-actress. She was prepared to respond to questions about their divorce and his dating habits ‘we're? divorced so he can date whomever he likes.’

She was not prepared for the follow-up about his philandering while they were married because she didn't know about it. The reporter’s question was deliberate, cruel and intended to embarrass and humiliate.

This time there's a long pause as the cameras flash. “Oh” she finally responds with a forced big smile and a chuckle “and all this time I thought that men couldn't multi-task.” Funny answer. Exit stage left. But was this the optimum response?

Adults with the condition ADHD often exhibit defensiveness or a hypersensitivity to personal attacks, real or perceived. It has roots in imposter syndrome and emotional abuse during the individual's formative years. It's a learned knee-jerk reaction to a perceived threat. It's also a relationship killer and undermining behavior for leaders.?

Adults with this condition are coached to insert a pause before reacting to an interaction perceived as an attack. To detach from the stimulus. It is a difficult behavior to learn as an adult. We're talking about a primal survival technique learned usually over many decades. It can be overcome, just like the desire to light a cigarette can be overcome, but it takes persistence, time and support.

The question asked of Rebecca was un-arguably an attack packaged to extract a sound bite. The public destruction of a powerful woman, warranted or not depending on whether you as a fan are happy with her decision to hire an inexperienced coach, for commercial benefit. Not unethical behavior for reporters, but not a kind thing to do to another human being. Fodder for must-see TV and ratings boosts.?Kinda like Johnny Depp and Amber Heard beating each other up for public amusement.

Detachedness requires that one treat all difficult interactions as impersonal and provides a framework for inserting a pause before reacting. It equips you to deal with surprises by buying time for your rational brain to kick in. The trade-off is less spontaneity, which is probably a good thing at work, but maybe not as much in personal relationships.

Long pregnant pauses are uncomfortable. We use fillers such as ‘like’, and ‘umm’ to fill dead air. We're taught to believe that if we're smart, and we prepare we'll have the answers at our fingertips. But that's bad advice. There is no downside to buying time unless you're on Jeopardy. Quite the opposite is true.?

Politicians are masters at filling dead air. Actively listen to how a politician responds to a question in a debate and try to repeat the substance of the response. Former President Obama on the other hand was a master of the pause. When he spoke he tended to say something. Former President Trump not so much; he filled air with whatever thought came to mind believing that the quantity of words would compensate for the lack of substance and expertise. It doesn’t.? At least not to anyone curious or actively listening.

The world is full of ambiguity and uncertainty. Nature does not draw in straight lines. There is too much information produced to fully process, so much so that today lies can be passed off as truths in the moment. No one pays attention to retractions and people tend to hear only what they already believe to be true anyway - it is human nature. Populist leaders do this a lot. Hitler was particularly good at it.

No one can possibly know everything. We can prepare but chances are that something unpredictable is going to come out of left field which, if you think about it, is the only certainty there is and therefore you actually can prepare for that.?How?

If we have a quick sense of humor we might be able to summon a prepared joke as did Rebecca. Most of us aren't that quick. Professional funny man Chris Rock couldn't summon a joke when he was hit by Will Smith on live TV.? Alternatively we can say ‘interview over’ and storm off stage. Nod to Trump. Defense shields up. Threat deflected. Identity intact.?

Or we can be like Ted with his “two internets” response:?open, honest, and vulnerable. In other words, we can be genuine which in turn provides a wealth of interpersonal benefits we will get into in the next part.?

Detachedness gives you that option.?

#lifeskills #innovation #tedlasso #taoism #taooftedlasso #detachedness #EQ #relationships #leadership

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