Tangled - Leadership Lessons from my 10-year-old

I was traveling for work last week and carried 2 of my favorite long necklaces to wear with my outfits. When I returned and was unpacking to put away my jewelry, I saw both necklaces tangled. Amongst the 2, one was metallic, and the other was hand-made of wood chips I bought recently in Santa Fe, New Mexico, which was also my favorite.

That work needed time and patience, and I asked my son Kartik to help me. He has a knack for these, and I wanted to use his skills. I left him with the jewelry for an hour or so, and when I came back, I was shocked to see that the tangles had worsened. The hand-made necklace was in a much better place and is now curled into a ball.

I started getting angry and felt my face tightening and my heart beating faster. I snapped at Kartik and asked how he was doing, and he said he would fix it soon. Internally, observing the tangles, I did not have much hope. I might have to throw the necklaces away.

I went away and noticed he was still at it. I asked him to take a break, but he refused. I felt he was feeling bad and guilty about ruining the jewelry, and he may have also been crying about it.

While I was too focused on the positive outcome that he committed, I completely ignored the effort that had gone so far. I was also too attached to the necklace and was getting more upset as I did not see any progress, which was worse than before. In high frustration and anger, I yelled at him for ruining the necklace and left the room.

After my evening shower and cooling down, I realized my approach to dealing with this situation could have been better. I came down and first apologized to Kartik for my sharp words and anger. I also apologized for forgetting that he had given me much time and energy to untangle the jewelry. I had allowed my anger to close my eyes to how hard he tried his best.

I was tempted to ask if he wanted to give up on the task at hand(which would have been an easy out), but instead, I praised his perseverance and courage to continue the arduous task. I told him he could take many days to figure it out and that not all had to be done simultaneously and left it. I wanted him to come and tell me if he wanted to stop trying anymore and essentially failed at his task.

As leaders, it is essential to give space and time to our team members to allow them to work on complex tasks, especially when the outcome matters to you most. When things are not going well, instead of telling/asking them to give up or inserting ourselves to take it over(which will lower their confidence and self-esteem), it is essential to acknowledge how you can support them without imposing and adjust the timeframe if necessary. Also, make it a point to ask the member to reflect on the progress with you. This will allow you to share some tips or other perspectives as needed to move forward.

For Kartik, along with giving him a few weeks to figure it out, I allowed him to watch some YouTube videos about untangling and see if he could pick up some tricks or tips to help him. I saw him getting a paperclip to help him with the effort. When I loosened up about the "perfect" outcome within a specific time, I saw him working on untangling for 5-10 minutes today before he left for school. I also noticed he was separating after returning from school without me telling him to do so.

I realized I had created a safe space for him to try and give his best with the resources, support, cheer, and a few hugs and kisses for his effort. I saw his confidence up today. Have the tangles looked better? The last I checked, some progress was being made, and he proudly showed me when I asked him. I also sat with him for 10-15 minutes after dinner to help him, and we progressed more.

However, I will not fixate on the outcome alone and instead focus on reflecting and appreciating the progress and supporting all the sincere efforts of my 10-year-old. I told him I was very proud of his ability to continue with such a challenging task, and he could decide when he wanted to stop working on it.

In the corporate world, leaders can provide the space, support, and resources for the team members to embark on a complex task and make it okay for them to fail. It's not just the words that would do it, but also our actions to match our words. This is the best way to build a confident and resilient team that will not fear taking on challenging work.

Because you, as the leader, have created that environment!