Tangible Energy

I had an awakening last year. Well - amongst many - there was one in particular that stood out. There were a multitude of seminars offered by CDW around investment, financial planning, and something called "financial health." By now, I am sure most folks have heard of physical health, mental health, emotional health, spiritual health... I eat healthy food, I work out, I meditate, I work through my feelings in a healthy and productive manner. But financial health was new to me.

At first glance, I had an amazing payment history, a good credit score according to the little meter chart, my banks kept increasing my limits over time, I always got approved for loans and leases. I thought all was good. Until after one of those seminars, it dawned on me that I had over $50,000 in credit card debt. Basic math at 20% interest rates meant I was paying an additional $10,000 on that, per year. What. The. Fuck.

What if I told you that balance has been fluctuating in that range for... over a decade?

And so, in that very moment of self-realization began my journey of healing my financial health. Making better decisions, stopping impulsive buying. Being conscious of where I was spending my money, on what and with what intentions. I got a coach to help me set goals for myself and hold me accountable, because I was in so much denial... I had been lying to myself for years. Lying to my friends, to my partners, to my family. I even lied to my coach in the beginning, diminishing the weight of the problem. My greatest fear was coming clean about my debt and I had to face it head on. It was after our third or fourth session that I confessed in tears of shame. I am deeply grateful for the compassion and understanding my coach showed, because had that reaction been one of judgement, who knows if I would have had the courage to continue...

How many times did I get letters from suspicious "credit consolidation agencies" or "get rid of your debt today!" pop up ads? The temptation was blooming everywhere, the moment I noticed that I needed to fix my financial health. It's exactly like those "get thin quick" diet schemes that work for 30 days, and then you bounce right back because you failed to put in the work to clear out your bad behaviors and form new, consistent, sustainable, and healthy ones as part of your daily lifestyle. I knew better. I knew that the only way out of this was through empowering myself to do the hard work and be better every day.

But clearing my debt wasn't enough. It was important to understand why... why I got myself into this situation in the first place.

Entertain the concept that money is energy. You put your energy into your work, and you get energy in return that you may exchange for other goods and services (energy) that bring you some sort of experience at a pre-negotiated energetic price. By facilitating that energetic exchange, you provide energetic fuel to whatever cause, person, or company you sent your energy to (why it's important to know where your money is going). So if we liken money to energy, then we can extrapolate that financial debt is also energetic debt.

And I have been over-exerting myself for years. Over-exerting myself to have a sense of worth in other people's eyes. Of having a savior complex - I took on a lot of debt from a lot of poor relationship decisions because I thought I had to save someone from themselves. I was seeking external validation and pouring myself out for it, digging a hole that just got deeper, and deeper. Multiplying each month. Each year...

I gave so much of myself for what? For people who are no longer in my life. For heartbreak. For opinions of people who don't matter all that much in the grand scheme of things. For a sense of belonging. For a sense of validation. For a sense of feeling valued. For a sense of feeling loved.

All this created was a big empty void that I was trying to fill... by giving even more of myself into the black hole.

The place where I am at now is one of self-discovery. Of who I am without the need of approval or validation from others. I still fall into that booby trap every once in a while - old habits can take a while to transmute into better ones. So I do my best to have compassion for myself like my coach did. I am getting better at saying "no" - to myself and others. At standing by my boundaries. At stopping trying to save everyone from their mistakes (aka learning experiences). At needing to rescue people out of unfavorable situations. I am learning how to balance deeply caring about people without taking on their energetic burden - that one is tricky. I'll let you know once I figure it out!

I am going to be debt-free soon. I look at a pool of my energy which consists of time, energetic focus, money, and physical energy. When it's depleted, I get sick - it's just the way it goes. So I have become very conscious of where and how I spend my energy, and what energizes me, or fills my cup. I think the events of the last two years have forced a lot of people to evaluate their priorities, what was working, and what wasn't. It is through awareness that we can be better, do better, and work better together.

It is interesting how energetic debt has manifested itself in a material manner for me: through money. How lack energy created a lack situation. How important it is to understand from which mindset we are operating and how that impacts our outcomes... Psst - you can apply this to business, too.

The moral of this story is to encourage the reader to explore where they are experiencing energetic debt, where it stems from, and inspire change. It may not be money, it could be something else - I know a lot of people are feeling burnt out right now. Strive towards a place of balance and harmony. You get to make that choice.

Be well.