Tammy's Story

O: What is your name?

T: Tammy.

Me: What would you like the world to know about you?

T: It’s not easy out here. Being a survivor and being a strong woman, I’ve had hard times. Very hard times! And I’ve done things and had things done to me that weren’t right, but I am still strong. I am 47, and I’ve been in Toronto, I am from Calgary, Alberta, since I was 15. I was adopted into a white family, and I was struggling with trying to find my identity. Every native woman, when I found out that I was adopted, I was like “Are you my mum?”, every native woman “Are you my mum?”. Feeling lost, like I didn’t belong. It’s been hard, but I am still alive, I still have my health, and I have 3 beautiful kinds, 3 grandchildren.

O: That’s amazing. Boys or girls?

T: Two boys, one girl. Being out here it’s not easy and housing they say “oh … just get yourself on housing list”. I’ve been on the housing list for 15 years. And there is no housing for me, apparently. And I don’t have bad credit, I have school education and it’s just … What they say it’s not always how it is out here.

Me: So how it is out here?

T: I sleep in a tent, and I tried the hotel. People were coming into my room. It was like they had keys or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t comfortable. It’s worse than somebody invading my tent and tried to sexually abuse me out here. I am struggling out here. I am not asking for a pity party or anybody to feel sorry for me, but I won’t stay in those hotels or shelters because it’s just for people who do fentanyl, not everybody does fentanyl. I am a drinker and a pot smoker.

O: You mentioned you are a survivor, I would like to know what experience have you survived. Just clarify the experience please, you don’t need to tell the story if you are not comfortable.

T: Sexual abuse. I had a tent last winter, and I was sexually abused. I went to the hospital and I went to Street Haven. They wouldn’t help me, and this was before COVID. They said it’s all in your head, you are on drugs, and this and that. So, all these places, they pick and choose who they help.

O: What do you mean by that?

T: I don’t know maybe it’s appearance, or colour, or something. I am not saying anything about racism, but yeah.

O: But that’s pretty much what you are stating, right?

T: Pretty much. I am Aboriginal. I met my family 10 years ago. I found them, I was put on a list not-to-be-found, and I am actually a 60 Scoop Survivor. Both my parents were in a residential school, so really and truly, I have closure when it comes to finding my mother and father, but maybe it was … I don’t know, it’s not for everybody, because it’s hard. When you put on a list not-to-be-found, and then you pay so much money to find them, and not to feel welcome because … its hard … it’s like a total shut down, but I told my children. I gave them connections to the community, you know. They welcome them, but I am not welcome because I don’t know. I do know, I am just pausing on certain things but … I am here, I am alive, I have my health. I suffer from post-traumatic distress, and I don’t like going near bushes because I think people are jumping out. I keep lights and candles lit in my tent, and I don’t sleep well. They say it’s … how do you call it when you can’t sleep?

O: Insomnia.

T: Insomnia! But it’s not insomnia, it’s just fear. I haven’t had a good night sleep for about eight years or so. I am just out here. I have a criminal record, but I don’t commit crimes anymore. I’ve learnt from my mistakes, but it’s like learning from my mistakes isn’t just a point. All these places and things say they gonna help people, they don’t always help people. Some people are left out. That’s what I feel. I refuse to go to the hotels because as I said people just come into my room. I’d rather sleep in my tent over there so…

O: And you mentioned, they don’t help people…

T: They say they do, but they put you on a list, fill out paper work and …

O: Like let’s say for somebody like myself who is just starting, where would you suggest me to start? What can do differently?

T: We look for housing, but it’s so expensive nowadays. I found some places. I don’t wanna live right downtown. If I could find a place across the bridge, out of the heart of savage. ‘Cause if you are not doing drugs or drinking… I am a recovering addict though. I used to smoke crack and sniff cocaine. I did it for like 17 years. Just being honest.

O: Yeah, definitely. So, you went through a rehab, have you made that decisions yourself?

T: I went through rehab, but it was also because of my son's father, they hot shotted him, they killed him with heroin. This was not fentanyl. This was heroin 15-20 years ago. Don't get me wrong, I still drink, it’s still an addiction, and I smoke weed. And smoke cigarettes like there’s no tomorrow. But crack and the other stuff … no, not for me.

O: You are saying the housing is the issue.

T: It’s hard. I've been on the list for so long. And I keep checking and nothing happens.

o: Do they provide you with certain alternatives?

T: I don't want to go in the hotels.

Me: That’s an alternative.

T: There is too much drugs. There's risk, I can’t relax. I could relax if I had a place of my own. Even if it was a room, like I would see locks, I'd be comfortable because I’d feel safe, because I had my own keys. When I was in Alberta, I had my own place.

O: Is it any chance you can go back to Alberta or you settled in Toronto?

T: Too many nightmares in Alberta. My adoptive parents, they send me to the old man down the street. “Tammy, go down the street, help Mr. Jones with the garden. Oh, he needs help with his dishes, it wasn’t the dishes. And at the end … at the end of the week, he came with elastic band around money [stops speaking …] Sorry.

O: No worries, take your time.

T: You don’t hear this all the time.

Me: We have different stories, and I feel like every story has to be told.

T: The one thing I just been hoping for is that. I'll find a decent place for a decent price. I'm on ODSP. I am on the street, I don't want to live in housing because you're on cameras all the time, people watching. I wanna live a simple life. I went through so much in my life and I'm 47. Life is too short to like … live it out here. Who deserves that?

O: Definitely nobody.

T: I haven't done anything in my life to really deserve it. Going to these hotels …Bedbugs. I have phobias and stuff. I just want a nice simple life regardless of whether I am alone.

O: Are you're alone right now?

T: Well. I know a lot of people. But that’s not it, it’s just living a simple, comfortable life isn’t for here. I constantly keep my eyes open … like I don't suffer from insomnia. It's just, I can’t sleep comfortably. I can’t relax, how can you relax when you are in a tent around f****… sorry… around people that are out to get what they get, or steal from you, or catch you when you are sleeping.

O: You want to say you're experiencing anxiety.

T: A lot of times I just ride my bike around. Most of the time they don’t really bother me. I mostly just by myself. As for my adopted family, I have no contact with them. I just cut them off. I forgive. But it’s hard to forget. It’s just things I went through … being sold. Being a young child and being sord to an old man down the street so that will pay the mortgage or the down payments on the home.

Me: How old were you?

T: I was nine when it first started.

O: Have you tried to contact the authorities? Did you try to tell anybody?

T: I called Children’s Aid when I was in grade 7. Then, my adopted parent said I am hard to manage and they gave me away. I just want to live a simple life. Safe. I don’t feel safe out here. How is that possible? Being a single woman and … I am not looking for a relationship because how can you out here? Can’t trust anybody.

O: I mean, in a matter of a day, your tablet was stolen.

T: Yea. All those clothes you gave me, gone. Except for this [the clothes Tammy had on]. I don’t feel safe out here. I have two outfits, but everything else gone. All the nice stuff, they stole it.

O: It was in your tent, that's where you kept your things. Usually where do people keep their things? I noticed last time a girl … [the girl was keeping her stuff in a cart]

T: Yeah, she is keeping here stuff in a cart. I have a lock. They can still get in the tent.

O: Let’s say now the weather is changing, spring is coming. Where will you keep your winter clothes. Will you just dispose of them and next winter you get a new one?

T: I’ll just wash them and donate them, and get new clothes. I am hoping I am not out here for that long.

O: Yeah, definitely.

T: When I had my tablet, I was looking online for cheap rentals and rooms for rent. I haven't stopped looking, but I don’t have a tablet.

Me: Is there anything else you want to add.

T: I just want a simple life. I am not looking to get rich or anything … just simple, safe. Have my own keys. Space.

O: Do you have any connection to your kids?

T: Yeah, I talk to them.

O: Are their lives going differently?

T: My daughter is clean and sober, she is an insurance broker. The first perfume I gave her, Chanel. She named her first daughter Chanel. Britney, my second granddaughter, and Jason is my grandson. I don't see them.

Me: You think they might help in a certain way?

T: They don’t know about my past life and my experiences. 

[due to privacy consideration this part of the conversation is not displayed]

O: You mentioned that she’s the only one who’s clean and sober. What about your other kids?

T: One is on crystal meth, and the other one, he’s just a pothead. He is the father of my grandson. He’s doing all right. He’s stubborn. Riley, he’s the only one who’s a thief, and I never taught my children to do these things in their life. And they’ve never seen anything about my life. I don’t know. They say it comes in a bloodline. I don’t know. I wish nothing more for them than a better life. Thanks for chatting with me.

O: No, thank you. It’s very important to me. I appreciate it.

T: Why?

O: Lots of people ask me who do I work with? What are their stories? And that's where I hit the wall. I don't know. I know names. I know faces, but I never know a story. What's actually going on. That's the thing. And your story would be my first. Thanks a lot.