Taming Your Inner Critic

Do you ever have that negative voice in the back of your head…

You know the one.

It may nag you when you look at yourself in the mirror, or at work, or in your relationships, that makes you doubt who you are, your goals, your accomplishments, or have you believing that you’re not good enough.

This experience of an attacking inner voice is your inner critic, and it can evoke feelings of being bad, wrong, inadequate, worthless, or guilty. This inner critic can be destructive and can greatly affect your mental health.

There are ways to help tame your inner critic, but we need to understand where it can show up and how it can manifest in order to help quiet that voice.

Before we do, I want to dig into the relationship between impostor syndrome and our inner critic.

Many of us think they are one and the same. They aren’t. Impostor syndrome is a bigger beast. Our inner critic and the manifestation of how that shows up to second guess and wonder if we’ve done the right thing is a very important part of impostor syndrome but it is one part. True that being self-critical is a core component of why we feel like impostors and think we don’t belong.

But impostor syndrome is broader.

It includes a sense of failing to belong and not believing we are well qualified. It means we have to do everything ourselves (the superwoman impostor) or that this must be impossible because most of our lives have been relatively easy (the natural genius impostor). I could go on, but if you want to learn more about the types of impostor syndrome and the surprising ways it shows up in your own behavior and your team’s then do check out my free mini course on Impostor Syndrome - Ditch the Self Doubt. You can register for free at https://tonicollis.com/dtsd and get immediate access to the trainings.

It really can show up in every aspect of your life and can manifest as people-pleasing, second-guessing yourself, trying to do everything yourself, not trusting yourself or others, and perfectionism. And the inner critical voice can also overlap with imposter syndrome and can be a part of imposter syndrome.

We weren’t born with an inner critical voice, so how did we develop such a destructive way of thinking?

Chances are it started when we were young and came from external sources in our lives. The comments made by our parents, teachers, siblings, friends, and caregivers form the soundtrack of our lives and we start to internalize everything—the good and the critical. The more we are exposed to criticism and rejection, the louder that soundtrack plays in our minds.

As leaders, we need to be aware of our inner critic and how it shows up in the workplace and learn how to manage our own inner critics. We might hear the voice after a big meeting or presentation or after an awkward conversation with a client or teammate. Or questioning how we even got to where we are despite our shortcomings.

It is imperative that we take control and manage our inner critical voice, as teams who can’t do this will run into low productivity, low motivation, and conflict. Time and energy are wasted on entertaining a critical inner voice and unproductive interactions, which will end up creating an environment that is uncomfortable, judgemental, and non-inclusive, and sometimes in extreme cases, affect the bottom line.

However, being able to manage your inner critical voice as a leader is an incredible skill to have and to demonstrate to your team members. Regulating your emotions and reactions will in fact help create an environment that is safe for your team members, but also will help you in the face of difficult conversations or stressful, fast-paced environments.

Some could argue that our inner critic is trying to help us perform at our best, make better choices and hold off taking rash action, but really, I believe that for most of us that gets the way, adds more stress, reduces motivation, and diminishes chances for success. It triggers our self-protection and can bring to light our insecurities and trust in ourselves and we can start to project that onto others. The key is the difference between logical self awareness that can examine, with rationality a set of situation and help you improve, against the far more common inner critic that stifles us and makes us second guess our every decision.

The reality is that humans are not very rational creatures, yes even us technologists and scientists - we just aren’t. So for most of us, that inner critic can be a beast that stops us doing our best work because it stops us taking action and leaves us thinking about the past instead of focusing on the right here, right now.

Trying to fight off or conquer your inner-critical voice and creating an adversarial relationship with it, when it feels it’s there to protect you will only raise your stress levels and anxiety and will only allow that voice to grow stronger and louder, and ultimately win, thus further fuelling the very fire we are trying to put out.

So instead of being at odds with our inner critic, there are ways that you can do things differently to help quiet the voice.

?? The first is to notice your inner critic and really tune into it.

Capture it for a week, writing down three times a day when your inner critic is coming up. Notice how it feels, what it looks like, and where parts sound familiar. Start to get curious about how often it shows up. As you’re able to pinpoint how your inner critic shows up, it’s time to recognize how often it shows up.

?? Then start to categorize when your voice is coming up. Are there particular people, situations, activities, or places that get triggered? Ask yourself questions about it, what is it that your inner critic wants you to know?

?? Now that you know how, why, and when your inner critic shows up, it’s time to create a trigger action plan.

This plan could include removing the trigger when you can. For example, can you no longer participate in that activity or remove that person from your life? But, please do not confuse removing your triggers with not dealing with them, you are just reducing the number of triggers to give your brain some breathing room so that it can learn these new skills.

?? You can also reduce contact with those triggers and mitigate your triggers.

Mitigating your triggers requires you to learn to pause when you start to notice triggers bubbling up and take a minute to pause, slow down your thinking, and acknowledge that those thoughts are there.

?? While you acknowledge your thoughts, instead of dwelling on them and letting them consume you, practice reframing what comes up.

Instead of fully entertaining an inner critic voice, try talking to your inner critic in the third person, such as using your name or “you”. For example, if you notice your inner critic while you’re trying to reach a tight deadline and it’s saying “there’s no way you’re going to get this done in time”, try to reframe it, using the third person by saying “Suzanne, you can do this”. Not only does this change in the way you talk to yourself help reduce anxiety, but it also helps pump you up and empower you. You learn to coach yourself through situations instead of being critical and you’ll be able to turn that inner-critical voice soundtrack way down.

And if you want to go deeper on this then do check out my free mini course on impostor syndrome which tackles a lot more than this and will help you develop your own tailored toolkit for getting unstuck. You can find this at https://tonicollis.com/dtsd .

Recognize that your inner critic is trying to keep you safe, but that it is misguided. It comes from a place in evolution where we needed to second guess doing new things because that would mean putting us at risk of leaving out clan, falling off a cliff or getting eating by a tiger. Today, we don’t live in such a world, but we need to recognize what it is trying to do and then release its anxiety so we can move forward. Remember your brain is a wonderful thing, so be kind to yourself on this instead of frustrated.

This kindness to yourself is one of the most powerful ways to let go of any negative aspect of ourselves — frustration rarely gets us anywhere other than backwards.

https://www.tonicollis.com/episode142