Taming Your Inner Critic: How to Use Self-Compassion to Become a Better Leader

It’s reasonable for leaders to be gripped by fear and doubt when it’s time to make crucial business decisions that will have far-reaching consequences. However, what’s required in uncertain and disruptive times is fortitude, mental clarity, fortitude, and vision. To move away from the zone of self-doubt and lack of mental clarity, you need to cultivate an often-misunderstood skill: self- compassion.

Let’s first understand what self-compassion actually is. Think for a moment how would you treat yourself if you experience a setback at work — an interpersonal conflict with a colleague or a bad sales quarter. It’s highly likely that you would either lay the blame on others or reproach your own self like many driven professionals. Sadly, neither of these responses is going to help you.

But would you react the same way if a friend was in a similar situation? Probably not. You’d be kind and understanding. Extending that same level of compassion back towards yourself is known as self-compassion. Psychologists have discovered that self-compassion is a useful tool for improving performance in a variety of settings, from healthy aging to athletics – and of course an important skill to become a better leader. According to psychologist and researcher Kristin Neff, there are three core components of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. A common mistaken belief about self-compassion is that it leads to self-complacency. But it actually offers another path to resilience and to finding your growth mindset. Instead of being hard on yourself when you take a constructive approach, you build your capacity to navigate challenges and unpredictability.

The Power of Self-Compassion

The science director of Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education and the author of The Happiness Track , Emma Sepp?l? notes, “With self-compassion, you value yourself not because you’ve judged yourself positively and others negatively but because you’re intrinsically deserving of care and concern like everyone else. Where self-esteem leaves us powerless and distraught, self-compassion is at the heart of empowerment, learning, and inner strength.”

Studies reveal that the benefits of self-compassion align with several essential leadership skills.

Integrity: According to research, there is a strong link between self-compassion and conscientiousness and accountability, proposing that self-compassion pushes leaders to act responsibly and morally, even when making tough decisions.

Emotional Intelligence: Studies indicate that self-compassionate individuals have higher levels of emotional intelligence and tend to report lower levels of anxiety, depression, and chronic distress.

Growth Mindset: Studies also suggest that self-compassionate people are more oriented towards personal growth than those who continually criticize themselves.

Resilience: Research demonstrates that people who exercise self-compassion are less likely to be inordinately hard on themselves if they fail to meet their own standards. They can pick themselves up, regain clarity and move forward productively.

Boosting Self-Compassion and Choosing Your Inner-Friend

Whether you’re struggling to foster self-compassion in your professional or your personal life, don’t beat yourself up about it. With a little practice, you can do better.

1.      Observe and acknowledge your experience

Acknowledging your experience helps you step back slightly from it, dust yourself off and move on. You may say something like, “I am having a hard time now” or “This is a moment of suffering”.

Once you identify what you are dealing with, you’ll eventually come up with ways to handle it.

2.     Embrace our common humanity

Recognise that human experience is imperfect, that we are all fallible. Rather than wallowing into self-pity, remind yourself that you are not alone by saying, “Suffering is part of life” or “This is not abnormal, everybody suffers.” Simply, don’t focus on your shortcomings without taking the bigger human picture into account.

3.     Show yourself kindness

Most people tend to be their own worst critic, due to which they end up in negative cycles of self-sabotage. So, try to make peace with your inner critic. Place your hand on your heart or cheek and wish yourself well. After offering kindness, you might ask, “What can I do for myself now? What would help me move on?” 

Learn how you can take your leadership teams through a growth model which will help them mature on a personal and professional level by following me on LinkedIn and subscribing to the Keijzer Community.

Paul Keijzer is the CEO and Founder of Engage Consulting and the co-Founder of The Talent Games, which aims to transform HR by digitising talent processes and creating more engaging and productive workplaces through gamification and mobile technology. As a global HR and Leadership Management expert, Paul knows how to combine business insights with people insights to transform organisations and put them on the path to growth