Taming anxiety: Tips to calm the beast

I haven't written about anxiety for a while. Primarily because I've worked hard to minimise it in my life. If you've never experienced it (or feel the need to explain it to someone that needs to know) here's an earlier article on anxiety to give some perspective.

So many people I speak with are anxious. So many hide it from others. I get that. But we really should stop hiding. Admitting you are feeling anxious, or experiencing anxiety isn't a sign of weakness. In fact it's an acknowledgement of your human-ness and in my experience being open about it enables stronger and more authentic relationships.

A few short years ago anxiety was ever-present in my daily experience. Over a short window of time the situation escalated to the point where I found it difficult to work in my office (particularly difficult as I was the boss), I couldn’t sleep lying down (I sat up propped on pillows until I eventually dropped into a broken sleep) and the nervous energy constantly pumping through my body made me feel in a constant state of flight.

I couldn't say exactly what triggered it however can take a guess that a combination of work and life things many of which were well beyond my control.

On the outside I would have looked just fine. (I’m good at that). However inside I began to understand how people could reach a point of seeking a quick exit. It was relentless, unforgiving and at the time I did not believe it would ever cease.

I quietly told those I trusted most and urgently set upon a journey to calm my inner beast.

As a precursor to the following tips I note that I stayed close to my GP through this period of time. We set timelines (e.g. if it’s still like x by x let’s try medication) and he made appropriate referrals to ensure my physical health wasn't contributing to the situation.

I applied the following over years some things sticking as habits or beliefs, others I now know are in my toolkit should I need them in the future. Here goes...

1.A decision to change: NOTHING was ever going to change without a conscious decision. I made two. (1) I was going to live through this and (2) Anxiety can get F&*ked. These decisions did not come easily as at first I believed it to be a temporary situation that would pass (it didn’t) and that I was too tough to experience this weakness (I wasn’t and as it turned out it wasn’t a weakness).

2. Therapy: I had a combination of psychologists who used CBT, mindfulness and straight up talk therapy. I’m sure there are other methodologies I’ve unconsciously experienced. Over time I’ve learned that not every professional has the same approach and different approaches work in different situations.

I've also learned that some professionals just won't be a good fit, and there are others that are just loopy. Do what works for you. I worked with two psychologists. One on a needs basis, the other with scheduled monthly appointments. The first enabled me to effectively air past experiences and see them for what they were. The second followed on and assisted me to learn more about mindfulness, better equipping me with tools to understand how anxiety felt in my body and to identify the ‘rising dread’ that may lead to a panic attack (and what to do then). A plug: Sarah Francis?https://www.melbournemindfulness.com/

3. Podcasts: I’ve listened to podcasts day and night since 2021. Podcasts while walking, driving, going to sleep and if I wake through the night. There are some podcasts I listen to because I enjoy the content, others that seep in through my sleep and some that put me to sleep (some intentional, some not). My favourites include

• Law of Attraction Changed My Life
• The Light Path podcast
• Love your Life and the law of Attraction
• Good Life Project
• Conversations ?with Richard Fidler
• Lady Brains
• The Anxiety Guy podcast

4. Programs: Forewarning: When you’re wide awake at 315am night upon night and every cell in your body is tired but you’re wired and can’t sleep you’ll do just about anything to make it stop. Anticipate this and set yourself a budget — or even better, pre-purchase a program (or even better load a free podcast) that hits the spot and make it part of your toolkit.

I’ve wasted hundreds of dollars in these desperate hours on ridiculous programs. Yes ! The spend gave me just enough feel good hormones to get to sleep. But there was only one time I can honestly say a purchase at this hour led to real change and it was certainly more down to good luck than good measure. I purchased the Anxiety Guy’s program and even though I cannot honestly tell you that I finished the whole thing, the early work I put in really turned things around at the pointy end.?https://theanxietyguy.com/ ?(no, I do not get commissions from this program).

5. Walking: Yes to exercise of any kind. But when I’m not feeling great the last thing I want to do is hit the gym. Walking for me involves leading my pooches 3.5kms through a very manageable, quiet country road. This also reminds me how grateful I am to have the ability to have pets and also to live in a quiet regional area.

6. Booze: Now I know what it feels like for anxiety to start building in my body I know to avoid or at least minimise this (rather than escalate) my consumption even when it may present as an easy and fast band aid solution.

7. Singing: I always feel better when I sing. A psychologist I once ran workshops with taught our students about the ‘out’ breath and how important it was to breathe out when danger arose (noting while danger was once an upcoming dinosaur, today it's just as likely that perceived danger is an approaching deadline or an incoming difficult conversation). Singing involves out breaths and music feels so good in my body.

8. Perspective: Faced with adversity my natural response is to seek out the fastest, kindest outcome for all. This is often stifled by what I've come to know as my trauma response which is to cover ALL bases. This puts my creative mind in utter overload. When faced by adversity I’ve learned that letting my creative brain identify every possible danger (if you don’t think like this you’d be amazed how much disaster such a brain can anticipate); to identify how probable each scenario is and then to plan out a response for only the most probable situations and perhaps some guidelines for less likely situations. Over time I've also taught my team this about me and even though they may scoff when I'm not listening, at least they know that running through every situation helps me (and on occasion the worst case HAS happened and we were prepared). This is balm for the nervous brain.

9. Honest conversations: Sometimes feelings, situations and expectations linger, I’ve invested in coaching, reading and experiences which have taught me how to have honest conversations which are both kind and productive. These conversations do have a certain rhythm and format. I’ll put another post together about this in the very near future as I know a lot of other people struggle with them as much as I have. Hint: If there's a person or topic that keeps coming up for you do something about it. Don't let it fester.

10. A clean and clutter free sleeping zone: Just after Christmas I noticed that anxiety was creeping in. I know that I don’t usually feel good between 26–30 December anyway (pretty typical I’m learning) — BUT, this year I also noticed that I still had a work desk in my room post Covid isolation, there was clutter everywhere and my room just needed a good cleanse. It took around 5hrs but now I can honestly say each time I walk into that room I know it’s set for nothing other than my comfort. It’s stress free, clean, smells great, it’s comfortable and it’s clutter free. A place I can go and do nothing other than relax. Do this for yourself.

11. Instant support network:?Like many others I’ve felt like phoning my family or close friends at goodness knows what time is just too imposing (although I also know they wouldn’t have minded). LifeLine (131114) has been an excellent source of support for me through years. Even though I’ve really had to force through some feelings that I’m not worthy of this support... that someone may have needed it more... blah blah. Another line that’s supported my own situation has been 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) and also the Parent’s Helpline (NSW only) 1300 1300 52

12. Decluttering: On the decluttering note — we ALL have too much shit. This summer I have planned a delightfully long holiday and staycation. I’m slowly working my way through the whole house and donating, chucking, styling, cleaning and aligning. This home of ours is going to be a haven for life come February.

13. Decluttering?(2): It’s not only about stuff, it’s also about people. In recent years I’ve evicted several energy suckers from my life. NO! It’s not always easy but it doesn’t have to be confrontational or nasty. Sometimes simply withdrawing your on-call, drop everything support for people who are just spinning their wheels and doing nothing to improve their own situation is all it takes. I‘ve found simply making time for the people who light you up, that you feel like yourself around; those that make you smile, who are truly on your team makes all the difference. The others either fade away over time. There are millions of people to know in this world why spend time with those who make you miserable?

14. FUN: Last year I had a night out with some girlfriends from school (yes, school was a LONG time ago). We talked, we laughed and we DANCED ! Leading into the meet up I thought I didn’t have time, I couldn’t go out and let my hair down in my community (keeping up appearances BS), I wasn’t sure if we’d still get along and anxiety told me it was all too difficult. I woke the following morning, and carried for the next week the biggest smile on my face — we had FUN !

15.?A plan:?I do like a good plan. I usually start on 1 January (like so many others) and while I’m not too bad at the follow through I tend to lean towards achieving things that earn money and leave out the things that matter most to me. Not this year. I’ve found the more time I sanction off to my own goals, the more accomplished I actually feel.

16. Dealing with the niggles: You know when a story starts forming in your mind and over time that story becomes more of a sitcom featuring you in the starring role (refer back to my earlier comment on creative brains)? That (and if you don't know that watch just one episode of Offspring and witness it through the character Nina). The key I’ve found is to learn how to listen to these niggles at an early intersection and to cut them off at the pass. What often starts out as an easily diverted whisper otherwise becomes a rather loud train wreck.

17. Meditation: Although I’ve avoided sitting still for most of my adult life the abovementioned psychologist taught me the values of body scanning and meditation. Combined with the wisdom of Abraham Hicks who am I to deny the value of this process? In recent weeks I’ve found setting a timer for just 15 minutes once I wake and trying to focus my concentration on my breath has really created some impact. The realisations just seem to drop right in.

18. Acknowledgement: My dad’s mindset towards stress very much reflects my lack of willingness to get or accept help in the early days “I don’t get stomach ulcers, I give them”. Identifying that I tend to take in all of the emotions in my surrounds, that I think deeply and often take other people’s crap on board as my own were just some of clues that I may have a tendency towards anxiety. It was also important for me to learn that even though anxiety may be a regular visitor in my life, acknowledging it’s presence, rather than pretending it wasn’t there was enormously helpful. Anxiety does not thrive well in the light.

While the above is by no means a one-stop guide to taming anxiety I do hope at least some of the resources support your wellness.

Very best wishes and kind and healing thoughts to you.

Kerry