Talking T.R.U.S.T Part One: Transparency

I love that Judith Glaser's T.R.U.S.T. model starts with transparency. It stands alone, and yet, all of the other letters in the acronym rely on it. As we work our way through each one over the next few blog posts, we'll return to transparency time and time again.

But first, a little neuroscience. Stay with me here. I promise this will pay off. For our purposes, transparency begins in the amygdala: that tiny region in the middle of the brain responsible for assessing threats and regulating the fight, flight, freeze, or appease response.

Back when our ancestors lived in caves, the amygdala came in very handy. It kept them safe in a dangerous world. Covid notwithstanding, we don’t live in that world anymore. For the moment, we live on Zoom. But when your boss calls you out at a weekly meeting, your amygdala lights up just like your caveman ancestor’s did as he ran screaming from a hungry smilodon.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON THREAT

During threatening experiences, the amygdala releases cortisol and epinephrine. These hormones inhibit blood flow to the prefrontal cortex – the part of your brain responsible for executive functioning. When this happens, you can't make logical or even particularly smart decisions. Research shows that your I.Q. drops 10-15 points during an amygdala hijack.

Ever wonder why you lose your ability to respond when your boss yells at you? Or you yell right back? Or say sorry even though you've done nothing wrong? You can't access the words, facts, or data to have a rational conversation. That's why you leave the interaction kicking yourself for how you behaved.

THREAT TAKES US RIGHT UP THE LADDER OF INFERENCE

During an amygdala hijack, you run right up the ladder of inference very quickly. Kore Koubourlis, founder of The Essential Group, one of the great firms I partner with, teaches how this works in the Challengers’ Circle (a proven virtual leadership development program sought after by tech companies looking to build leaders). She describes the ladder's base as reality -- what is literally happening. In a tough conversation, the other person's lips move, and words come out. That's it. But that’s not often what we experience.

As we listen, our brains begin to attach emotions and stories to the words. We draw conclusions that have no basis in reality. And suddenly, we're at the top of the ladder, with the other person who's probably having the same reaction to us when we respond. Now we've got two pieces of fiction interacting with each other, perpetuating the hijack.

HOW TO STOP THE HIJACK, DESCEND THE LADDER AND GET BACK TO REALITY

Remember the stressed-out team from my last post They felt totally overworked by a clueless C-Suite that just kept handing them mountains of work and unrealistic deadlines. When I asked if they'd been honest with their executives about the impact of this overload, I got many blank stares in return. No one wanted to have that conversation. It was too damned threatening.

This whole year has been one amygdala hijack after another. So, I wasn't surprised that my team was scared to be transparent with their executives. They are tapped out, and at this point, it feels more comfortable to roll over and do the extra work than to have a challenging conversation.

Of course, it's not easier. And their burnout is evidence. Everyone knew that there would be downstream consequences for the C-Suite, their clients, and the company if they didn’t speak up. Still, they'd been under so much stress for so long that they couldn't find the words. So I asked a few questions:

• What conversations are you avoiding? Are there people or topics that you’re afraid to approach? If you can address issues as they arise – post-amygdala hijack, of course – you’ll build trust and strengthen relationships.
• Are you taking on too much? The answer for all of them was yes. If you’ve taken on one too many projects, it’s time to start a conversation to renegotiate scope and deadlines.
• What changes do you need to make? Judith Glaser puts it like this: ask yourself, "What actions, thoughts, or words will help the other person shift from protecting themselves to partnering with me?"

After spending some time with those questions, the team designed a transparent conversation that they felt empowered to initiate with their executives. They realized that the only way to work through these problems was within your communication.

If you're in a leadership position, you must embrace transparency even when the truth is hard to swallow. Especially during Covid, your people need more honesty, not less. Be clear about where the company is going and what outcomes you want to achieve. And don't shy away from addressing the obstacles or how you plan to tackle them.