Talking About How We Feel

The sharing of one’s story stimulates personal growth and an authenticity that supports the practice of self-growth and self-kindness

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” Fred Rogers

Individuals sharing their stories of dealing with or overcoming struggles or difficulty is so very powerful; the validity of their narrative coupled with a passionate delivery serves not only to inspire others and it also smashes through barriers that can be preventing transformation in both individual, social and workplace situations.

To be able to transform the way you behave, you must first adjust the way you think. Changing the attention of your thoughts is important because what you think directly influences how you feel, and how you feel directly influences how your body reacts. It is how your body responds that directly impacts how you behave, and how you behave comes to characterise who you are and what you experience in life.

Discussing how we are feeling is not always easy.

Emotions can be difficult for us to understand and even harder to correct. One of the quickest methods to get a better handle on how we feel is to talk about it. Sometimes just speaking about your feelings out loud to another person can really help. So why do we sometimes avoid it or believe it doesn’t work?

There are plenty of reasons why talking about our feelings can be tough. Some people are generationally conditioned to suppress feelings, rather than give voice to them. Sometimes the very emotions we are dealing with — like guilt over something that happened in the past, or shame about how we think we are seen by others — can feel so overwhelming that we cannot get up the energy needed to talk about it

When we are feeling very intense feelings, like fear, anger, or anxiety - the amygdala is running the show. This is the part of the brain that, among other things, handles your fight or flight response. It is the job of the amygdala, and the limbic system as a whole, to figure out if something is a threat, devise a response to that threat if necessary, and store the information in your memory so we can recognise the threat later. When we get stressed or overwhelmed, this part of the brain can take control and can even override more logical thought processes.

Research suggests that putting your feelings into words — a process called 'affect labelling' — can lesson the response of the amygdala when you encounter things that are upsetting. This is how, over time, you can become less stressed over something that has bothers you.

For example, if you were involved in a car accident, being in a car immediately afterward could overwhelm you emotionally. But as you talk through your experience, put your feelings into words and process what happened, you can get back in the car without having the same emotional reaction.

Our emotions do not just go away if we ignore them. They stay with us and if not processed, can put additional stress on our bodies. Finding ways to productively talk about our emotions helps us to release this weight and feel free again.

Talking about how we are feeling

Confiding with others about our struggles and fears can be a very difficult thing to do. Especially for those of us who have had negative experiences when reaching out to others, it can feel even more impossible to be able to reach out to someone.

With this, it is important to consider who you feel the most comfortable confiding in. This may be one of your personal relationships, or for some, it may be seeking out a some assistance at work, a medical practitioner or therapist to talk with. There are some support links available at the end of this article - a number of avenues to help you have that conversation safely and confidentially.

Listening

Talking about your problems can release constrained feelings. Talking to someone outside of the situation may help you to find a solution to the problem. We actively encourage this but when someone is trying to tell us something, are we truly listening properly.

No one really teaches us how to listen to others effectively, unless we are subscribing to a specific training package to achieve this. Like any other skill, listening well takes time and practice.

“When we listen, we hear someone into existence.”― Laurie Buchanan, PhD

Listening is an important skill in all areas of life, whether you are supporting a colleague, dealing with customers/service users or in family relationships. When we show we are really listening, it is much more rewarding for the person talking to you, and you will get more out of it too. This is called active listening, and it can help avoid misunderstanding and reduce the potential for conflict.

Here are some easy ways to make your communication more effective and make the other person feel more valued - from the British Heart Foundation:

Face the speaker and have eye contact

Eye contact is an important part of face to face conversation. Too much eye contact can be intimidating though, so adapt this to the situation you are in. Try breaking eye contact every five seconds or so, or to show you are listening attentively, look at one eye for five seconds, then another eye for five seconds, then switch to looking at their mouth. When you look away, looking to the side or up is better than looking down, which can seem like you want to close the conversation. Check your posture and make sure it is open – avoid crossed arms or crossed legs, which can make you look ‘closed’ or defensive. Leaning slightly forward or sideways whilst sitting can show that you are listening – as can a slight tilt of your head or resting your head on your hand.

LISTENING “Listen” to non-verbal cues too

Facial expressions, tone of voice and gestures can tell you just as much as what is being said in words. Pay attention to what the other person is saying with their body language - are they smiling, for example, or are their arms crossed defensively, or are they rubbing their eyes as if they're tired or upset. Even on the phone, you can learn a lot from the other person’s voice, which might sound subdued or upbeat.

Do not interrupt

Being interrupted is frustrating for the other person – it gives the impression that you think you are more important, or that you do not have time for what they have to say. If you are naturally a quicker thinker or speaker, force yourself to slow down so that the other person can express themselves. Remember, a pause or a few seconds of silence does not mean that you have to jump in. Letting the other person speak will make it easier for you to understand their message, too.

Even interruptions that respond to something that they have said can be distracting if it means the conversation gets side-tracked from what they were trying to tell you about. If this does happen, steer the conversation back - say something like “So, you were telling me about…”.

Listen without judging, or jumping to conclusions

If you start reacting emotionally to what’s being said, then it can get in the way of listening to what is said next. Try to focus on listening. Equally, don’t assume that you know what’s going to be said next.

Don’t start planning what to say next

You cannot listen and prepare at the same time.

Show that you’re listening

Nod your head, smile and make small noises like “yes” and “uh huh”, to show that you are listening and encourage the speaker to continue. Do not look at your watch, fidget or play with your pen or fingernails.?

Do not impose your opinions or solutions

It is not always easy, but lending a listening, supportive ear can be much more rewarding than telling someone what they should do. When a someone has a problem is a time when they probably want to tell you how they are feeling, and get things off their chest, rather than have lots of advice about what they should be doing. In other areas of life too, most people prefer to come to their own solutions. If you really must share your idea or solution, ask first if they want to hear it – say something like "Would you like to hear my suggestions?"

Stay focused

If you're finding it difficult to focus on what someone is saying, try repeating their words in your head as they say them – this will reinforce what they are saying and help you to concentrate. Try to shut out distractions like other conversations going on in the room. And definitely do not look at your phone.?

Ask questions

Asking relevant questions can show that you have been listening and help clarify what has been said. If you are not sure if you have understood correctly, wait until the person pauses and then say something like "Did you mean that x…" Or "I’m not sure if I understood what you were saying about". You should also use open questions where you can, like "How did that make you feel?" "What did you do next?"

Paraphrase and summarise

Sometimes this can be called called reflecting This is repeating what has been said to show that you understand it. This may seem awkward at first, but really shows you have been paying attention, and allows the speaker to correct you if you have not understood correctly. If you are not sure how to do this, try starting a sentence with: "It sounds like you are saying…"

Final point - practice makes perfect

Old habits are hard to break, so you will need to make a conscious effort to become an active listener. Try spending a week in which you summarise the main points or outcomes at the end of each conversation or meeting. This will help you get into the habit.

EAP

A Employee Asistance Programme may be available in your workplace. This may provide access to a trained professionals to speak with.

Some workplaces have trained Mental Health Advocates or Champions to speak with.

NHS talking therapies

NHS talking therapies services are also known as Improving Access to Psychological Therapies (IAPT) services. You can access talking therapies for free on the NHS. You can refer yourself directly to an NHS talking therapies service without a referral from a GP, or a GP can refer you. Web Link

Find an NHS psychological therapies service (IAPT)

Own Doctor (GP)

It's not always easy to start a conversation about your personal feelings with your GP – someone you may hardly know. And it can be especially hard when you’re not feeling well. But it's usually the first step towards working out what kind of treatment and support might help you.

Your GP can provide links to talking therapy and assessment by the Community Mental Health Team.