Talking to Crazy – How to Deal with a Pushy Peer or Colleague

“Where there’s a will, there’s a way,” is a proverb adapted from writer George Herbert in the 1600’s. A more actionable spin on it might be, “Where there’s a way (that is doable by you), there’s a will.” That means that when you find a step-by-step way to do something that previously stymied you, you will summon the will to do it.

Dealing with a pushy peer or colleague is a situation that may often confound you because you don’t have a doable-by-you way to deal with that person.

What follows is best suited for dealing with a pushy peer (could be a fellow executive or co-worker in your group). It’s probably not a good way to deal with a pushy boss or a subordinate. We will cover those situations in a subsequent blog. 

As you read the 15 steps, think of them not as something overly complicated, but as an interpersonal algorithm for managing a conversation that you have previously avoided.

1. Identify such a person ahead of time by feeling a knot in your stomach or a thought such as, “Oh no! Not him/her again!” every time you hear their name or receive a text, email or voicemail from them.
2. Never expect them not to be pushy in a conversation (if they’re not, consider yourself lucky).
3. When you begin to interact with them, hold part of yourself back so that when they ramp up their pushiness, they don’t catch you flat footed or leading with your chin.
4. As they talk – usually at you – look them squarely in the eyes (I prefer to look into their left eye imagining in my mind that it is connected to their right emotional brain) with a look that shows you are concentrating on what they are saying.
5. Allow them to finish speaking and keep looking them in their eyes.
6. Remain quiet, calm and unfazed until they say more or say, “What?” to you (because they have now discovered that their M.O. of provoking you until you are off balance and then going in for the kill, hasn’t worked).
7. Respond with, “What do you mean by ‘what?’?”
8. In all likelihood they’ll respond with, “What are you thinking?” or “What are you thinking about what I just said?”
9. Keep looking firmly in their eyes and respond with, “I was just trying to figure out if you’re being too pushy or if you were just overly passionate about what you said.”
10. They’ll most likely respond with, “What?” or “Huh?”
11. Respond to that very calmly with: “If you’re merely being passionate and exuberant, I’ll want to hear more. But, if you’re being pushy, then I’ve heard enough.”
12. If they become offended and reply by calling you a derogatory name, pause for two seconds and respond with, “Well I guess I have my answer and as far as I am concerned this conversation is over. I have other stuff to do. Goodbye.”
13. As an option, if they try to draw you back in, look them again in the eyes and say, “If you want to start from the beginning and speak to me in a calmer and more normal tone of voice, I’m willing to give it another listen. But if it gets heated up again, I’m outta here.”
14. If they don’t become defensive and actually become fascinated by your responses, you can alternatively respond with, “Looks like you’re just being passionate. Please continue.”
15. If that happens, you will have the upper hand, because you have taken charge of the conversation without being controlling or defensive and there is the high possibility of their speaking calmly to you because you have just earned their respect (as well as your own).

If you’re wanting to find out more tactics and techniques for dealing with challenging interpersonal situations, check out Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life (a.k.a How to Talk With A-holes in the Russian edition, which went viral in that country).

Resources:

• The 9 Most Common M.O.s of Irrational People (: Talking to Crazy)
• Franklin Covey - Great Life, Great Career hosted by Scott Walker - Episode #31: How to Communicate with People Who Drive You Nuts, guest Dr. Mark Goulston
• Paul Smith podcast - Talking to Crazy: How to Deal With the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life
• Bottom Line Advocator podcast - How to Stand Up for Yourself and Win - Dr. Mark Goulston's Wake-Up Call at the OJ Simpson Trial
• Amiel Handelsman: Episode 53: Talking to Irrational People with Dr. Mark Goulston
• Small Business Trends - Book Review - Talking to Crazy
• Blinkist - Talking to Crazy
• Getabstract Book Summary - Talking to Crazy