Talking to children in these times

I have had a lot of parents asking about how to have the conversation (with their children) around the atrocities going on world over. I have seen colleagues and friends struggle with doing the “right” thing when their children wanted to go out and be part of protests – does one (as a parent) worry about their (children’s) safety (even just something as basic as social distancing these times of COVID worries us) or let them be the rightful inheritors of the world and express themselves.

I have taken the approach of always talking to my children openly and honestly, being vulnerable about my own fears and expressive about my anger and frustration. I speak to them about everything (including maybe even specifically about failure) and we all listen to each other’s points of view patiently. I have never felt that as a parent I know the answers or pretended that I do to make the boys feel secure.

The only thing I have constantly reinforced is we will find the answers together (they have so far come to talk about everything from swear words on the bus to eeeeewww girls to now crushes and girlfriends). In a world like the one we are in today perhaps settle for asking the questions together knowing the answers might not be immediately available and sometimes we have to let them evolve.

On the issue of Black Lives Matter, I have treated them as peers and had long reflective discussions on Why people are behaving the way they are, especially when the world around us seems to be falling apart, or thanks to COVID almost standing still. When nature is lashing out and reminding us we are small, way smaller than her, people around us scared and losing their homes and livelihoods – why would the colour of our skin play a role in how we are treated or thought of?

I have shown them opposing points of views on the subject – the painful narrative in the US playing itself out on the streets across the world and the political views associated with them and we have discussed what feels right and what feels wrong.

These conversations invariably take place on long walks, at lunchtime or when they are in bed and we are saying good night. The question that naturally arises when I say this is should we use the little time we have (balancing work, home and everything in between) providing our kids' security or discussing dark or uncomfortable subjects with them. In my mind the answer is twofold – of course, they need security but the security comes from the fact that they can discuss anything on their mind and they have someone who cares to listen to them and provide perspective and discussion. They are exposed to so much these days and helping them sift through and make sense of that information is critical.

On the subject itself something I trigger the conversation if it is bothering me, other times they do. It isn’t who triggers the conversation - my belief is having the conversation is critical – they need to know the world is bigger than themselves, their immediate needs and wants. They need to believe they play a role (and will need to do so) and be meaningful contributors to the communities they are in. This constant reminder is our responsibility as parents.

And it isn’t all talk – when they see us cooking for the community staff or staying up late trying to help a colleague get home for a personal emergency they see us sacrificing time we could have for them and ourselves – they see us contributing to other people’s lives meaningfully. They feel the need to help out when we are stretching ourselves caring for the people around us who might not be part of our day to day lives.

On their part, they are becoming forces to reckon with. They aren’t afraid to ask questions and contradict a point of view. They are strong respectful individuals who are confident and comfortable in their own skin (and its colour) and will stand up for themselves and more importantly others around them. Doing it in ways they are most comfortable – Arjun’s speaking, writing, making videos and expressing creatively and Aadi being kind, helpful and supportive on anything we are doing –sacrificing his screen time/ me time happily to just help out

I am so proud of them and it gives me hope and conviction the world will be a better place when children are reflective and thoughtful and not afraid to ask questions or drive change.