Talking with children and activities

Today’s piece will focus on children – how to talk with them about coronavirus and how to help them use their time better and not drive you crazy! For purposes of today’s discussion, let’s limit children on the younger end to the age where they understand what you are saying and at the older end arbitrarily to 18.

In general adults are more concerned and afraid of saying “difficult things” to children out of a fear that we will overly upset them, or it will somehow be bad for them. In fact, just the opposite is true. Children do remarkably well with hearing a factual description of a problem. At least as important as the words you use to describe a problem or challenge such as coronavirus, is the way you do it. If you talk in a calm and confident and comforting fashion (your affect), your child is likely to perceive your words in a calm and accepting way.

What I just mentioned is an iteration of my content-affect theory of life. In other words, in any human interaction there is usually speech which is always accompanied by affect (another word for emotion). It turns out that the affect is usually more important than the words. This is true with conversations with children just as it is true with conversations with friends, strangers, police officers or a jury in a courtroom.

So back to the conversation with your children. First of all, make sure your facts are as correct as possible. Explain that in a lifetime, very difficult and unexpected things can happen, such as global warming, natural disasters such as floods and hurricanes, tornadoes, 9-11 or car accidents – you need not give the comprehensive list. However, we human beings are made to be resilient, to be strong. And though we very well may have emotions including anxiety, fear and sadness, ultimately we work together and overcome these things. It is very important to name the negative emotions – anxiety, fear and sadness -- because that legitimizes them, rather than suggesting that they are “bad” emotions or “unworthy” emotions or “weak” emotions. No – they are normal and human emotions, and natural to feel, and important to feel.

Speak less, and let the children speak more. Encourage them to ask questions, and answer as simply, honestly and factually as you can. Encourage them to express their feelings and express their fears. How do you do this? Ask them. “How are you feeling about this coronavirus situation?” and “What are you afraid might happen to you, or your friends or your family?” Getting children to name their fears is a huge step towards dealing with their fears. Of course, talking about it doesn’t make it go away or be all better. But you can help your children (and yourselves) reframe the situation from “this is the worst thing that ever happened to us” to “this is a really big challenge and we are going to deal with it together.” I routinely try to replace the word “problem” with the word “challenge” which reframes the situation from something that will happen to you (powerless) to something we can work on and adapt to (powerful).

You can explain to them that they, too, are now part of this story. As our grandparents recounted tales of the hurricane of 1938, or some of us recall the blizzard of 1978 here in Massachusetts, and most of us recall 9-11, your children will tell their children about the pandemic of 2020.

And then you can take it in a positive direction. Talk with your children (if they are old enough for this part) about how your family can help others in need. Maybe you are going to make a donation to the local food pantry. Maybe you are going to check on an elderly neighbor or deliver food to someone who can’t go out. Secret – helping others is the best way to help yourself feel better!

In general, kids are very resilient – far more so than adults. We have all seen pictures of kids playing soccer and other games in refugee settlement camps. I would also suggest that you revisit the topic of coronavirus with your kids at least a few times per week or maybe once daily, but don’t overdo it. For example, if coronavirus is all you talk about at the dining room table, it can start to take everything over and become counterproductive. You need to find a balance around information sharing. To the extent possible, you want to make sure conversations range over a variety of topics other than coronavirus. And, along those lines, I would keep the TV mostly off, or not tuned to the news.

Having given the above general advice, it is possible that a few children may become progressively agitated or overly anxious. This is more likely to occur in a child who has already been dealing with depression and/or anxiety or some other behavioral disorder. If this happens, it’s time to get some professional advice from a therapist or counselor or your pediatrician.

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Now on to part II -- ideas for how to use time with children. Though I am the father of four grown children ranging in ages from 21 to 27, I do not claim to be the expert in this area, so I have asked my family for ideas in addition to what I pulled out of my own head. For simplicity’s sake I am just going to list some ideas that may work better for different aged kids with different concepts of what “fun” is. And this may be an opportunity for your kids to expand their ideas of what fun is…

·       Board games, puzzles and word game – we used to spend countless hours with Monopoly, Stratego, and 1000-piece puzzles. Have you played “Dictionary” or “Ghost”? If not, look them up.

·       Books – yes, this is still a highly time-honored way to spend time. Reading out loud is good too.

·       Dress up – OK. I know what you’re saying. But this can be a hell of lot of fun for all ages…

·       Build a fort – got any cardboard boxes around?

·       Arts and crafts – I think that’s what we used to call it. Got “stuff” around – ribbons, paper, glue, glitter. Let the kids get creative.

·       Movies – many of you have access to Netflix and other media. There are incredibly great movies for all age groups.  Save the movies for when you have run out of energy or ideas.

·       Cooking – if age appropriate, bake cookies or have the kids help with a fun meal.

·       Learn a Skill – learn how to do origami, or Cat’s Cradle with string.

·       Do photoshoots – use your iPhone to take cool pictures and share with friends.

·       Music – play an instrument if you have one.

·       Yoga – plenty of on-line instruction.

·       Sing – songbooks exist.

·       Wordgames – Hangman, lots of others on-line.

·       Teach each other a skill

·       Play with your dog – especially going for walks. Teach your dog a new trick.

·       Make up a treasure hunt

·       Write a letter – now we’re really getting old school…

·       Make stuff – like candles, soap, slime. (Might have to get some materials for some of these). All instructions on the net.

·       Learn a complicated hairdo – hair allowing

·       Cards – learn a magic trick, learn to play poker or hearts. Tons of good card games.

·       Checkers and Chess – still great after all these years…

·       Set up a bird feeder – make a list of all the new birds you see

·       Get outside – if weather permits. Go on new walks. Learn how to use a map and compass! Get some regular exercise. Get the bikes out when it warms up.

·       Clean some part of your house – this one might not be that popular, but could be rewarding…

·       On-line instruction – endless projects like origami or home-made hand sanitizer or making playdough

Maintaining a routine is a very good idea. Get kids up at a good time. Usual breakfast time. If they have school activities, try to schedule the “classroom” time at home, and make that separate from fun activity time. If you don’t adhere to some kind of schedule, you run the risk of having a free for all with inadequate boundaries and expectations resulting in chaos. Standard bedtime is also a good idea. And don’t forget tooth brushing at least twice per day. Good oral health contributes to a strong immune system. Regular exercise is also incredibly helpful. If you have a treadmill or even a bike you can get up on a stand, have everyone take turns for at least 20 minutes each. And don’t be too hard on yourself if your best laid plans go haywire… This is hard!

Well, this was kind of long, but I hope you found something in there a little bit useful.

Wash your hands.

Cheers—

Rich