Talk TO Your Child, Not AT Your Child.

Little children -? little problems, big children - big problems. It’s not one of my favorite aphorisms, but like most cliches, it contains a kernel of truth.? The Torah portion of Vayishlach (Genesis 32:4-36:43) describes the maturation of Yaakov’s (Jacob’s) children. While most of them were born in the previous section, they now come into their own and begin to spread their wings.? Not surprisingly, trouble follows.? Between Dina’s independent wanderings with disastrous consequences, Shimon (Simon) and Levi’s impetuous attack on the people of Shechem, and Reuvein’s (Reuben’s) interference in his father’s personal life, Yaakov had his hands full.? It isn’t surprising that he rebuked his children for their actions, but it is surprising that he waited decades before doing it.??

Yaakov had plenty to say to his children, but he put his rebuke on hold.? He waited until he was on his deathbed to criticize his three oldest sons for their actions many years earlier (Genesis 49:3-7).? Why did he wait so long?? Jewish tradition teaches that his goal wasn’t to vent his own frustrations at his kids, but to effect long-lasting change in their lives. Premature criticism wouldn’t have the desired impact, so he waited until his deathbed when his children would be most receptive. Yaakov’s criticism wasn’t self-centered. His rebuke wasn’t an impulsive reaction or a desire to blow off steam. Rather, his response was for his children’s long-term sake, not his own.? And that required biding his time and waiting until the moment was right.

Although, today’s parents shouldn’t wait until death is near to deliver necessary negative feedback, the principle that we must carefully select a moment when our words will be most effective, is just as relevant today as it was then.? We need to bide our time and wait until our children are receptive to hearing from us before we speak. While it’s true that toddlers need to hear “No” immediately, older children will often be more receptive to parental feedback when the energy of the moment has dissipated.?

When we criticize our children too quickly, they often feel defensive and angry and seek to justify themselves instead of hearing our concerns. At that time, they’re not receptive to our perspective.? Although a parent venting frustration may feel momentarily better, they won’t have reached their children’s hearts.

When we take time to let our emotions calm down and clarify our thoughts, we are doing more than speaking to deaf ears, we are waiting to speak in a time and manner that our child can hear.? Yaakov provides a powerful example for us in parenting - there is no rush to rebuke.? We can wait, pick our moment, and only speak when we are doing it for the sake of our children’s growth, in the time and way that is right for them.

Occasionally, we may be concerned that if we don’t immediately condemn their behavior, our kids may think that we agree with them.? This isn’t so.? Our children observe us constantly and by the time they’re pre-teens they know our values.? They are often aware of our opinions even when we withhold comments. By waiting to discuss tough issues until the time is right, our children don’t think we condone mistakes. On the contrary, they learn that we care so deeply to treat them with dignity and engage in a real conversation at the right time instead of blowing up out of frustration. Jacob’s silence reminds us of the value of waiting to speak until we can be heard - responding not for the sake of venting, but for our children's ultimate benefit.