Talk Tracks For Your Interview Liabilities

Red Flag: You went to a college no one’s ever heard of 

Your Answer: So it definitely doesn’t have the national name recognition of your Princetons, Stanfords, or University of Phoenixes, but my alma mater has actually been called “The Harvard of Middle Tennessee Community Colleges.” And, anyway, if you’re looking for ivory tower elitists who think lacrosse is a sport and that math was invented by the NASDAQ, then yeah. I’m probably not your guy. But if you’re looking for someone who’s actually been out there in the real world; who’s taken job-relevant courses like Postmodern Composition: Subtweets as Literature; who managed to [mostly] learn science even though his school didn’t have wifi or a library, and who taught two semesters of HIST 103: Famous US Presidents (2009 - 2016) while the professor was out canvassing for Andrew Yang. Then well...you’ve found your man.

Red Flag: You’ve changed jobs every 12 - 18 months for the past decade

Your Answer: Some people are scared of COVID. Others are scared of Portland. If you’re older than 35, you’re probably terrified of Billie Eilish. Not me. I’m only scared of one thing: stagnation. Gotta keep moving. Gotta keep shaking. Gotta throw life in the blender every once and a while and see what comes out, know what I mean? Plus, in my experience - which, as you’ve noted, is considerable - everyone does their best work in months 4 - 12 of their job anyway. Before that, they’re too new to be useful. And after that, they’re too cynical to be trusted. Get in, get it done, and get going. That’s what I say. I mean think about it, you wouldn’t stay in a relationship longer than 18 months would you? So why do we expect people to stay in jobs longer than that? Just another outdated Boomer invention if you ask me. Like suburbs. Or bottled water. And if that's what you're looking for, hire my dad.

Red Flag: You lack any semblance of relevant work experience.

Your Answer: Sure. So I’m a bit raw. A bit unpolished perhaps. I probably couldn’t use “QBR” in a sentence. I don’t actually know what Salesforce does. I can’t say that I’ve ever “used Outlook.” But is that really what you want? Some uppity punk who was taught how to copy/paste LinkedIn connection requests by someone ELSE? I am a blank slate. A lump of clay for you to shape in your own image. To quote Jack Nicholson from The Departed who was quoting John Lennon from a Rolling Stone interview: “I'm an artist, and if you give me a tuba, I'll get you something out of it.” I can already see that you’re the John Lennon of Demand Generation. And I’d like to be your tuba. 

Red Flag: You have an employment gap of +8 months

Your Answer: If the last year has taught us anything, it’s that our definition of “work” needs to change. I like to define work as anything you’re doing when you’re not sleeping or learning TikTok dances. And I’m flexible on that second one. So I was definitely working for the past nine months. I may not have a W2 or “professional references” to show for it. But I do have three and a half chapters of a memoir, five unreleased episodes of a podcast about the intersection of faith and fitness (working title is “The God Bod Pod”), some UX mocks for an app that helps you monitor your inbox while meditating, and a re-tiled bathroom. To be honest, I’ve worked my ass off this year. How about you? What have you been up to? 

Red Flag: A non-traffic-related misdemeanor on your record

Your Answer: I won’t lie. I did some things. Some things I’m not proud of. But let me ask you this: what would you do if your son was at home, crying all alone on the bedroom floor ‘cause he’s hungry? And the only way to feed him was to pirate stolen IP on the dark web for a little bit of money cause his daddy’s gone---what’s that? What’s a City High? I dunno what you’re talking about, man, I’m just trying to tell you my truth. So anyway, like I was saying…when I was just a baby, my mama told me, son, always be a good boy, don’t ever play with guns. But I sold some fake NFTs to a man in Reno...