Talk to strangers!

What’s a single piece of advice you remember hearing from your parents or teachers over and over again when you were young?

I bet, amongst all the answers, that one of the most common pieces of advice is:

Don’t talk to…

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STRANGERS!

No matter where I’m speaking, even if I am being translated into a different language, every audience in every country knows the answer to that one and shouts it out to me!

And then we start our own business, or are representing someone else’s, and have to go networking! And walk into a room full of strangers, with the echo of fifteen years of repeated advice from our parents.

We know it is important if not vital to our business, we can see other people doing it successfully (rather like the one kid at school who would just walk up to girls and start talking to them, full of confidence, I used to envy him so much), and yet it is that one thing we find so uncomfortable.

To make it worse, a lot of the advice out there seems very contrived, about asking special ‘networking’ questions, or having a clever handshake designed to build rapport. And if you’re at all nervous about engaging with people you don’t know, you might find all of that simply too much to think about in the moment.

So what do we do? How do we walk up to people we don’t know and, crucially, what on earth do we say?

Firstly, and really importantly, if we want to be able to walk up to strangers and speak to them, the process can start well in advance of us actually meeting them.

Something which I consistently do, and have done for 15 years or so now, is get to know people before I meet them. LinkedIn and other social media platforms are hugely helpful in enabling us to make those connections before we engage with people face to face. Here’s what I do.

If you’re going to an event, find out who is going well in advance of the event and start connecting with them. Lots of events, conferences and networking events have hashtags, or event pages on LinkedIn or Facebook, or the organisers are talking about them on LinkedIn or Facebook, and you can pretty easily see some of the people who are going, as they will be engaging on there. So, connect with them, with a message saying you’re looking forward to meeting them, and then get stuck into their content. Find out what they write about, what their videos are about and so on. When you do meet them, you’ll already know a lot about them plus you can take the opportunity to engage on their posts and start the process of building rapport.

When you connect with the people who are talking about going to the event, you’ll find that leads you to other people who are going to be there too, even if you’re not as actively talking about it.

Make sure you post about it too, using the hashtag if there is one, and invite other people who are going to engage with you. All you’re doing here is reducing the number of people in the room who will be strangers when you arrive, and increasing the number with whom you’re already already familiar, even friendly.

I go so far as to book one to one conversations with people at events, so they’re expecting me and we’ve already arranged to have a chat there.

Also, before you get there, one of the biggest issues is our expectations of what we’ll achieve at each event. I set my bar very low and only ever look to start some new conversations and continue some others. That’s it. I don’t intend to sell anything, I don’t intend to achieve anything, I intend to converse and learn more about other people than I talk about myself.

Secondly, at the event itself, be more human. We often think that because it is a business event, we have to behave very differently, or talk about different things than we would normally talk about. When I started networking, plenty of people tried to advise me on really clever conversation openers, but they always felt so false to me.

At networking events, and conferences, people are there to talk and meet and connect with new people. Any organiser of a networking event worth their salt should really introduce any newbie to other people in the room, but if they don’t, this really is where my advice above comes into play. There should be people who you already ‘know’ and because you’ve seen their profile photo you should be able to identify them. Even if you can’t spot them, we tend to wear identifying badges at this sort of event, and even with my poor eyesight, I can usually read them.

If there really isn’t anyone there you know, then it really is time to put on your biggest smile, walk up to a group, or someone on their own, and start the conversation.

Remember that the little talk is the big talk. All we are ever looking to do at any event is start conversations. So open the conversation normally, without putting pressure on yourself to say anything clever. Being English, my usual conversation starters are about the weather (can hardly sleep at night for the heat at the moment!), or the parking, or where the hell the tea can be found. In that moment, as trivial as it seems, we are finding the first thing we have in common with someone — either we got wet on the way here (or it was too hot, we are English so moaning about the weather whatever the weather is normal and accepted), or it was difficult to park (or easy to park, either of them are worthy of comment), or we need to find a hot drink and the first person we meet is holding one and therefore knows where to find one!

Once the conversation is started, then see what you can learn about them. None of this has to be contrived, but the age old lesson that people love to talk about themselves is true. Ask meaningful questions of them and allow people to expand on their subject. Don’t constantly feel as though you have to join in or have something clever in response.

Some of the questions I love to ask people at events are:

What was your journey, what led you to this business?

What inspired you to start the business?

How is business for you?

Are you a regular at this event? How do you find it?

How have you found the other people here?

Where do most of your customers come from?

There are myriad other questions you could ask (and if you have one which really works for you, do drop it into the comments), but the important point is allow the other person to know that you are really interested (and NOT just looking for the opportunity to sell to them) and allow them to expand and explain as much as they want to. This rapport building really doesn’t need to be complicated, just allow people to tell you about themselves, their lives, their business.

My partner Sharon, in social situations often asks couples how they met. It’s a great question as it requires more than a quick answer AND people always smile as they start to tell Sharon all about their first date, or how they met by accident or whatever it happens to be. The same applies in a business setting, people will find the conversation they most want to have, allow them to have it.

Along the way, here’s what is going to happen, I promise. You’ll find something in common with them. Whether it is that they started their business for a similar reason to you, or they are new at this event too, or they are struggling to find customers right now as well, or something else completely random.

Or that you both struggled to park and it’s raining!

The more you allow the other person to talk, the more you learn about them, the more chances you have to find that common ground.

Many people who I speak to stress that they should be talking about their business and don’t know how to introduce it in the conversation, so here’s how.

Don’t.

If the other person asks you, then go for it and explain, and if they don’t there is honestly nothing lost, because you have all the time in the world for them to find out, if you do the next bit right.

And the next bit, as you ask, is to continue the conversation you’ve started after the event, after your first meeting.

Always ask permission to connect on LinkedIn, then do so and continue the conversation. Don’t wait for them too, make sure you’re the first one to reach out and send a message, and then put effort into engaging with them and their posts. Make sure that your LinkedIn profile is up to date and accurately conveys what you do, and make sure that you post regularly too, so that they get to see what you’re about. You can even slot the occasional ad into your social postings, so they can what you’ve got to offer, at the right moment for them, they may well be interested or, because you’ve been interested in them, they might be good enough to pass your details onto someone who might be interested.

Despite what your parents told you, you really do have to talk to strangers.

I hope the above helps you to do so a little more comfortably.

PS - If you want to learn how to do all of this, and turn networking events into sales, working live with me, The Networking Success Programme is back in October - https://networkingsuccessprogramme.online/