Talk To Me: The Communication Crisis

If only I'd thought of the right words? I could have held on to your heart?

Pictures of You: The Cure

Have you noticed how alarmed people can sound when the phone rings? It’s as if our phones have turned into red rotary telephones like the ones in James Bond. If the phone rings, it must be bad! The heightened alert doesn’t just apply to phone calls either. It seems that attempts to communicate today are often met with skepticism, intolerance, suspicion, and even fear. Stopping a stranger to ask directions, or knocking on someone’s door unannounced can all solicit such reactions.

How, I wonder, have we come to this? Communication has always been a challenge. Coming from England, it was considered rude to share how you felt. It’s often easier to avoid the complexities of human interaction and the COVID pandemic has accelerated what began with high-tech. When I visited a college recently, it was eerily empty despite the beautiful weather. An administrator told me the campus is always quiet now as most students prefer to study online.

We are fully aware, of course, of the importance of human connection to our wellbeing. The disastrous consequences of lack of communication have been the stuff of great tragic literature for centuries. In Shakespeare’s “Othello” and Kazuo Ishiguro’s “The Remains of the Day” for example, if the protagonists had been able to speak to one another truthfully tragedy would have been avoided.

So why are we increasingly choosing to limit interaction when the headlines are filled with sad stories about our mental health and loneliness? There are many reasons I believe. Electronics are efficient and practical. Couple this with residual pandemic habits, laziness, constant distraction, and instant online gratification, it’s now habitual. Ironically, we now live in a world of instant communication and fractured connection.

Why is it hard to talk to one another? I would say we have always been somewhat afraid of speaking our truth to one another because we fear the consequences. Our world can change on a dime once we’ve spoken. The stakes can be high, words once spoken can never be taken back, and we often choose to stay safe over truth and clarity in our communication.

Today, these fears are heightened. With the increase in hyper-sensitivity, self-righteousness, and judgment, human interaction can seem perilous. We might accidentally trigger cultural tripwires, be exposed to negative opinions, experience acute embarrassment, and, ironically, be rejected.

The consequences are numerous. The less we connect the more we misunderstand one another and the more fearful we become. A simple example is the impact of texting on relationships. In my coaching practice, I see suffering caused by the interpretation of messages. “What did they mean by that?” Assumptions about the sender’s intention are made as communication blanks are filled in, even to the point of assuming a tone of voice that may not be intended at all by the sender.

It encourages carelessness and unkindness. There’s nothing new, for instance, about dropping a person, but it’s way harder to do face-to-face or on a phone call. Taking the easy route of “ghosting” is now common practice. There’s no accountability, no opportunity to work things out, no emotional growth and the effects can be devasting. Not knowing why can haunt people for years.

How can we improve our communication? I believe the magic of music provides a clue. Google song lyrics containing “talk to me’” and it’s no coincidence that there are nearly four hundred thousand lyrics that match. Music has always been our universal language because in the words of President Barack Obama, “Music is easier to understand than language. It can be understood right away.” Communication through music is instant and pure because it speaks directly to our feelings, to our hearts and souls. It needs no analysis.

To forge meaningful relationships and create opportunities today, we need to connect with an open heart and mind and pay attention to the effect we’re having. Be clear in your communication and never make assumptions, because as George Bernard Shaw once said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Remember, we have the powerful benefits of non-verbal communication when we meet in person. A smile can mean more than a hundred text messages. Interactions either feel right or need further exploration. Intentions can be better understood, misunderstandings can be tackled, and spontaneity can flourish.

How we communicate matters. Every time we communicate, we can choose to contribute to our well-being and the greater good. Heartfelt communication creates a comfortable layer of trust within which we can all operate more effectively and productively. And trust not fear is a great gift to share in helping to heal today’s fractured world.

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