Talk About the Hard Stuff

Something I’ve always believed about teams is that their ceilings are established at the point where they’re uncomfortable communicating. In other words, we’re only going to be as good as the hardest conversation we’re willing to have. This is because most people are afraid of the truth. We’re afraid to stand up and be seen. We’re afraid to share our deepest thoughts and desires. We’re afraid to provide critical feedback we know will help someone. We’re afraid to say we don’t know, or that we never knew, and that we don’t even know where to look to find that information. We’re afraid of conflict, afraid of embarrassment, afraid to rock the boat. So, we stay quiet. We let it pass. We tell ourselves, ‘I’m keeping the peace and that’s more important than this little petty thing.’ The insecurities in us run deep. They masquerade as a peacekeeper. And the resent builds.

Every relationship is a team. This starts with our personal relationship with ourselves. We must start with the person in the mirror. If we can’t look ourselves in the eye, nobody will. It’s useful to take a good look at how we’re living, what we’re spending our time and energy doing; and examine how it’s affecting us, the people we love, and the world. Our relationship with ourselves is most important – and the first step is being intentional about our actions. Sometimes this is a difficult step. When we look deeply, we realize how automated our lives have become. Then we realize how deleterious many of our habits are to our long-term goals and our lives. This is a hard conversation with ourselves, and it's one worthy of our time.

When we look at our closest relationships like those in our immediate family, they are some of the relationships most fraught with deep issues. Let’s examine the most important relationship that we (in most cultures) get to choose: our spouse. How many married couples do you know that simply do not discuss anything of real depth and substance? They’re everywhere and they come in all shapes, shades, sizes, and ages. We (hopefully) fall in love and decide to be together, and somewhere along the way a contemptuous air begins to pervade the relationship. How does this happen?

How can we live and work in such proximity and not speak about that which is in our hearts?

Fear.

It happens when we sacrifice our thoughts, feelings, and emotions for the comfort of not having to deal with conflict or confrontation. It happens when we’re afraid of upsetting our spouse because last time they were upset, the situation devolved into silence or resentful arguing. It happens when we continue to allow emotions and the desire to ‘win’ some ‘argument’ outshine our desire to enjoy our time on this Earth. Our time in this house. Our time together with the person we love the most. We must recognize the greater objectives here and stop sacrificing them for a feeling of being right about something. We must pause. And see things from the other’s side. Honest empathy in the moment when it's toughest to do it. We must agree that this is more important than whatever the fire of the moment may be.

On any team, in any relationship, we must make a mutual commitment to our greater goals. In a relationship at home, mutual goals might be something like love, understanding, and harmony. It makes sense to talk about these things. Establish them as bedrock values, so when things get emotional, we can pause and sit down to have a civilized conversation in service of our greater goals. This is similar at work. We don’t have to be afraid to disagree or provide feedback. We do have to be mindful of how we’re disagreeing and providing feedback. If we do these things with honest hearts and loving kindness for the other, we can do these things skillfully and add value to their lives and the team’s performance.

When we establish a team culture over time, we must work to implement a safe, inclusive environment and a growth mindset. This will provide the soil for genuine investigation, open dialogue, and learning to grow. We must also promote within the growth mindset a journey of continuous improvement for all and establish an organizational hunger and expectation for loving feedback in service of improvement.

I challenge every leader I work with to be the first one to jump at the opportunity to have the hardest conversation. This has been a hallmark of my life and it’s made me stronger and allowed me to be strong for others. Step up and be willing to have the hard conversation in service of the health of the relationship, health of the team, health of the greater goals. It might be scary and scary is usually a road sign along the right path. You’ll always have a place if you’re willing to be the one of the many – willing to do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done. Talk about the hard stuff.

#Leadership #Culture #Communication