Talk about the Execution of your will with your children

Hi Mona,

Thanks for featuring my story in your newsletter. It has been amazing to read all the money stories that impact our community. I hope my story can also shed some light on money-related issues. But first, let me give some background.

I grew up with my mom and my brother. My mom raised us as a single parent; my dad passed away when I was only seven. My mom never remarried, but she channeled all her energy into making us succeed. The next year after my dad died, we won the DV lottery and were going to move from Zimbabwe to the USA. I was only eight, but I remember my mom telling us the news. My brother and I did not sleep all night, talking about the different things we would do when we got to the USA and how we wanted our rooms to look.

My brother was three years older than me and very protective of me. Even though I was younger, I kind of kept him in order, even if it meant I had to tell my mom all the mischief he was up to at school. When we came to the USA, we had to go to different schools. He went to middle school. For me, I had a great start and made some of my best friends to date. My brother, on the other hand, had a tough time fitting in. He barely made any friends, and his grades dropped significantly. The school counselor thought he was still dealing with the grief of losing our dad. Later on, it became evident that he was largely bullied as well.

He never truly recovered from that. His choices went downhill; he made the wrong friends, was always just an average student, and narrowly made it to high school. Then he decided school was not for him. He’s been in and out of trouble for several misdemeanors. It was such a painful sight for my mom each time she had to go bail him out. My mom, on the other hand, was doing really well. She had opened her own dentistry practice, so I’ll say we were living the good life, and my brother sure took advantage of that. I also went on to become a dentist and had just started working with her.

Fast forward to last year: my mom passed away after a brief illness. Just typing this still feels like a dream sometimes. But, well. If there was one thing she did, it was to put her affairs in order. She had set up a Living Trust and everything. She had all her grandkids listed, and my brother and me as well. The only thing is, I was in charge. She left all the running of things to me and most of the liquid cash with me as well. My brother was listed with so many clauses that I’m worried he’ll never meet them. His children have a better chance of benefiting from the estate than he does.

But that is not the tough part. The nightmare began. My brother, whom I loved and cherished and who cherished me as well, has suddenly become the monster I never saw coming. It’s been one threat after another about giving him his share of the inheritance. Honestly, I was ready to cave in, but like I said, it’s in a Trust that is almost beyond my control. So I decided to give him a try in steps. We sat down together and said, in the absence of any adults telling us what to do, let’s make a plan for what he truly wanted to do. He mentioned what he wanted, and I signed out a check from my own portion of the funds. Within two months, he’d blown it all and was back to threatening me like I’d done nothing. He even pulled out a G*n on me at one point..

This has been a nightmare. Why did my mom not prepare me for this, I asked myself. Our African community is very big on secrets. I’ve heard this a lot, but I saw it firsthand. If she wanted me to handle this, the least she could have done was sit me down and have that conversation with me. It would not have fixed my brother’s behavior for sure, but I would have gone into this with a game plan and known what to expect down the line.

The bright side of this story is that the Trust has saved my life. I’m not sure what would have happened to me if she’d left all her cash and property in my name. As much as my brother threatens me, he knows it’s beyond my control. I’ve been as transparent with him as possible about all the clauses in the Trust. We talk about inheritance and generational wealth. I believe it’s high time we also start talking about the executor of the will.

This experience has taught me invaluable lessons about family, responsibility, and the complexities of managing an inheritance. It's crucial for parents to have open conversations with their children about their financial plans and expectations. Understanding and preparing for these responsibilities can help mitigate potential conflicts and ensure a smoother transition during difficult times. By addressing these issues head-on, we can create a legacy of transparency and trust that will benefit future generations.

And we are not even talking Trusts enough in our community. It’s a very great tool to include in your estate planning. I’ll close out with Ten reason why you should have a Living Trust:

1. Protection Against Poor Financial Decisions: Trusts Prevent children from wasting their inheritance by setting specific conditions.
2. Control Over Asset Distribution: Trusts specify how and when assets are distributed, ensuring funds are given under your conditions.
3. Preventing Misuse of Funds: Trusts ensure funds are used only for specific purposes, such as education or healthcare.
4. Minimizing Family Conflicts: Trusts reduce disputes among family members over inheritance with clear, legally binding terms.
5. Professional Management: Trusts involve professional trustees to manage and invest assets responsibly.
6. Preserving Assets for Future Generations: Structure trusts to preserve assets for grandchildren and future generations.
7. Privacy: Keep estate details private, as trusts are not subject to probate.
8. Flexibility and Customization: Tailor the terms of the trust to fit your family's specific needs.
9. Tax Benefits: Utilize tax advantages that help preserve more of the estate for beneficiaries.
10. Continuity and Stability: Provide ongoing support and asset management, ensuring children's needs are met even if they can't manage the inheritance themselves.