"Tales of a Scorched Coffee Pot" - Chapter 88

So the dream team proves relatively short lived. Would they have expected anything different? The only question remains who will fill Duane's shoes, although again it seems ludicrous to expect that a serious candidate can be found and vetted in the space of two weeks.

At least when it comes to hiring Nigel's replacement up in Palmyra, this time around they've posted the job, they have interviewed the candidates – all of them internal – and taken their time naming a pick. They eventually settle upon Sharon Tolliver from vitamins, who Edgar and most others believe should perform well in this role. She's one of the few who has seemed really into this perpetual inventory stuff from the outset, for example volunteering on projects that didn't even have anything to do with her department. Some have complained that she's fairly obnoxious, but Edgar doesn't really care about that so long as she will do her job.

He's got enough on his plate anyway, and welcomes the addition of someone who grasps a bunch of this right away, and runs with it. If it means entertaining the occasional long winded diatribe, so be it. For he's not only got to continually make alterations to the cash register receipt template over at Liberty – first by adding an ALL SALES FINAL disclaimer at the bottom, slipping that in and hoping the customers don't notice – and then with another at the top, weeks later, by which point they've announced the closing date of June 15, he then must begin bringing their retails down via a steadily sliding scale of all-encompassing discounts, week by week, beginning with a 5%. Meanwhile, they've also got to sweat what kind of lunatic might eventually hold the reigns in place of their longstanding, highly competent leader. Of course some are saying it's highly suspicious as to why a guy with Duane's credentials would be working here in the first place.

“Trust me, I know people, okay?” Edgar's dad says to him, upon hearing this news, “so mark my words: that dude's shady. I knew it right away, the first time I met him.”

All of which is hilarious, something Edgar will laugh about continually, even if he doesn't necessarily ascribe to this theory. When Edgar asks him, Duane confesses that he doesn't even have a backup plan in place, and isn't sure he wants to work in this industry any longer. He's going to putter around his farm in the country for a while, and figure out his next move. And maybe Edgar's just inclined to lean this way, but to his thinking, this is exactly what's happening to the leading lights in this grocery business, if not retail in general, a feather in Duane's cap – the good ones are recognizing what a diseased industry this is, and stepping away.

And so what are they left holding, here at the HSM? Over at Liberty, that's evidently not a lot. Though nobody is exactly surprised, that Rob and the other bosses have determined as much, the outcome is nonetheless mighty unexpected, producing fireworks before it's even transpired: in a move nobody can recall ever witnessing before (though possibly further bolstering Duane's theory, that Rob has no idea what he's doing) it's announced that, shortly before Liberty closes, they will post a list to delineate who is being transferred, and where, while everyone else will be out of a job. Explaining that it's more of a needs issue, at the other locations, and not performance based, as if this makes the decree any less harsh. This of course leads to endless speculation about who gets sorted into which all natural, additive free, locally sourced basket.

“I just assumed they would keep everyone they wanted from Liberty,” Edgar says, discussing matters in Brian's office, the day that this news breaks.

“Mmm, I think that's a pretty short list. Like Billy and that's about it,” Brian jokes. Except not really. He's probably not off the mark by much, if at all.

“They show up one morning and the building's padlocked,” Edgar visualizes, guffawing as he does so, “Oops! Sorry! We forgot to tell you!”

“We ran out of life jackets,” Brian adds.

Regarding Duane's replacement, the response from up top proves a little more measured, and nuanced. Although these stopgap measures can prove just as agonizing and troublesome. Knowing enough to recognize that he can't just rush into this, Rob announces that the hunt for a new president is on, that they are casting their net far and wide, and listening to internal candidates who express interest as well. But for the time being, while they conduct this search...Vince Brancatto is the man in charge.

It's a move that is both baffling and totally predictable. And for anyone who might challenge that these polarities cannot simultaneously exist, Edgar would like to say that this person must not know retail very well. Of course Vince gets the nod – it's predictable from the standpoint that he is an old white guy with a ton of experience. Yep, he sure has been around this business for a lot of years. Yep, he sure has. Even better, he walks around with a serious expression on his face at all times. With credentials such as these (old white guy, many years on job, serious expression), right there you're checking all the boxes for what it takes to appear managerial. However, it's also a baffling appointment if considering that Vince has done just about nil around this place, and has by any reasonable measure kind of sucked at the few things he's attempted.

One afternoon, mulling these matters, Edgar exits the office, bound for the deli scales to manually input some things, as Felix still hasn't purchased any remote software for Central. As it so happens, Dale stepped out just moments earlier, headed in the same direction. Edgar catches up to him, as Dale slows down, and they chat their way to this mutual destination.

“Man, it just blows my mind how someone can do absolutely nothing for years, and every employee knows it,” Edgar begins, without naming any names, “but upper management thinks that he's an all-star.”

“Are you talking about Corey?” Dale asks, whipping his head around to grin over at him, “Corey didn't do shit.”

At the mention of this name, laughter violently erupts from Edgar's throat. No, he had not been thinking about Corey in this instance, although that's not a bad example, either. What both of these excellent exhibits have in common is that he wouldn't say this failing is specific to Rob Drake, this cluelessness about a manager's credentials. It happens throughout this industry, probably many others, and is a huge problem, this disconnect between upper management and what's happening in the field. They don't know what's happening at this level, and furthermore, they don't know that they don't know.

At the mention of Corey Brown, however, this inspires a different line of response from Edgar. “That's awesome. I didn't even name any names. But, well...all I know is it seemed like at every meeting, there would be two or three different occasions where he'd be telling the bigwigs I did this and I thought of that and I would sit there thinking...that was my idea. I did that. I came up with that.”

“Oh, I know! But he made it sound good, didn't he?” Dale cackles, “I would sit there thinking, damn, he's even got me halfway convinced, and I know better!”