A Tale of Two Cities

“They will never appreciate you until you are no longer managing them” – Carol Waldo

I find myself dwelling on that quote periodically for situations involving my wife, my kids, and even myself. My Mom told me that as I was going through a stretch in high school where I felt underappreciated for my abilities. At the time, I had just been passed over for induction in National Honor Society. It bothered me because I was a top 10 student in terms of GPA plus I had a wide array of extracurricular activities to make me well rounded. But somehow the decision makers decided I was not NHS material. The long term effect was a reluctance to be a willing contributor/advocate to my high school alma mater as opposed to an active, vocal one all because I felt I was not getting the credit I thought I deserved.

There have been studies around what motivates individuals to excel in their roles. Regardless of what the function is the primary factor has been related to empathy or feeling appreciated for the work one does. Obviously there are monetary factors too but more often than not, people like to be appreciated for the work they do. I have been leading teams for over a decade now and I can tell you how happy people feel when they know their leadership is in their corner as opposed to providing instructions frequently and positive feedback on a consistent basis.

I personally remember going through a Tale of Two Cities scenario in high school. I was fortunate to letter in soccer as a sophomore. My coach was a tobacco chewing, country music listening, and confederate flag supporting individual. But he was also honest in giving out feedback both good and bad. I remember being called out in front of the team for lack of effort. I remember being giving praise in front of the team for my effort. He knew I was having troubles at home so he showed more care in how to deal with me as opposed to just brushing it off as “Sean will be alright.” And it made me want to run through a brick wall for him. He was a critical component in my soccer development because he not only believed in me but he was willing to be vocal about it.

Sadly, he took another job during my senior year. His replacement, someone who was only a few years older than me, did not have the same empathy as him. My parents divorced when I was in my early teens and ultimately it was just my mom, sister, and myself. One unfortunate night, my mom and sister were hit while driving by a drunk driver. The car was totaled but thankfully my mother and sister walked away with bruises and sprains. At the time, they were all I had so obviously I am in a true panic state as my mind is what’s gonna happen next. The next day, I told my coach that I would be missing practice to help my family out as they needed to visit doctors. Now I likely was in an emotional state and struggling on words but I know the words “my mom” “my sister” and “in an accident” came up so I would have expected him to understand I had a lot on my plate. I was wrong. His response was if I didn’t come to practice, then I’m not starting in our next game. I simply responded ok as I was deeply taken aback by his lack of empathy. It got worse at the actual game as our team is getting manhandled and he’s constantly walking up to me saying this wouldn’t be happening if I had put the team first and not my own agenda. Again I took it, even though I knew he was wrong. Thankfully our assistant coach talked to him, really got him to understand the situation, and the next thing I though he’s putting his arm around me apologizing. Problem was I had already checked out as I could not get past his initial handling of the situation. And instead of going through a wall for him, I did just enough to keep our games competitive.

Fast forward to my kids. Here’s what my two oldest have going for them. They are both straight A students. For every sport they have played (soccer, football, basketball, baseball) they have scored a goal, touchdown, or run. And they do this routinely in and outside the classroom. But what I find is a lack of appreciation for what they do, particularly in sports. I’ll use my 9 year old as an example. He’s playing football for the first time in 4 years. His team is currently 2-3. In both wins, they have won primarily due to him. His most recent game, he scored 4 touchdowns….in the first half. They won 33-6 so you can do the math on his contribution. At that point, the team had lost 3 straight by large margins. Post game speech, I’m expecting his coach to publicly praise him for a job well done. Welp, his comment simply was “The offensive player of the game was Greyson Waldo.” Now I did not want his coach getting on knees and going into a long speech about Greyson. But he deserved more than that. We’ve lost 3 straight and frankly Greyson put the team on his back. Even more, send us a private note like how fortunate we are to have him. But again nothing. This is nothing new for us as my sons’ have regularly done this for teams. Usually around the 3rd or 4th game when they have these explosions, we get the coaches and parents becoming more “friendly” with us asking if our son wants to play with them next season and beyond. By that point it’s too late. And it’s all do to empathy.

It’s a very simple skill. Just say “Thank you”, “We appreciate you”, “Whoa” or something along those lines. It goes a long way. No issue with critiquing as that also should happen. But we have to do a better job of doing the small stuff as it goes a long way. I have been managing teams since 2004. Everyone is different and I honestly try to figure out what motivates an individual then specialize my approach to cater that individual. The primary reason is back to what I mention about my tobacco chewing coach. You’ll go through a wall for a person if properly motivated.

Otherwise it just turns into a repeating situation of missed opportunities.