Taking time out as a mom

Reflecting on my journey from not asking about maternity leave during hiring processes, through to coming back to?work.?

Almost two years ago ???, my maternity leave came to an end and I found myself sitting in my office (spare bedroom) in my new slippers, logging on for a ‘full days’ work for the first time in over 365 days! My goal for 2021 was to survive it all — family, career, friends, me. You can’t always be everything to everyone, and balancing those things is tough but it’s possible.?

Now, with girlfriends it’s an occasion to get together, and it’s usually planned months/weeks before, and the chat gets serious tarts a days before like, ‘what are you wearing? I never go out anymore’… ‘jeans and a nice top’…

Taking time off for a baby isn’t new but it can feel like you’re the?first

Each year approximately 300,000 babies are born in the UK, that’s close to 1,000 a day. For the majority of companies, they’ve had someone in their team go on leave for this very reason. Yet, whenever I speak to someone else that’s been through it, they feel like they’re the first person that’s ever gone through it. When it comes to it, no handbook can prepare a manager or a parent to be. For me, going through it and actually speaking to others was and still is the best way.?

Thinking about starting a family x your career?choices

I remember interviewing with my current company and maternity was a consideration for me for sure, but I didn’t feel comfortable asking about maternity. I had a little stalk on Glassdoor to see if I could find out what the maternity policy was like, because I knew that one day, if I could, I’d start a family. My previous employers were small (in comparison to corporate world), privately owned companies and didn’t offer any maternity, only statutory. At the time, I didn’t find tons as most comments were behind a wall that you need an account to see, but it seemed to be existent. This wasn’t top of my list when looking to move companies, but it was in the back of my mind for sure.

It was a little while into my time here and I was on the intranet looking for maternity leave information. I remember thinking I wonder if people can see I’ve looked at this ???

I look back now and think to myself, why is it under the radar? Why can’t we openly ask, hey before I sign the contract, what’s the maternity policy here??

I’ve never asked this in my life when interviewing, and most people won’t, but my attitude now is completely different, like why the hell not.?

Companies are quick to share stuff like coffee on tap, gym membership, car allowance and the best kit…

…but what about opportunities for leave, be that maternity, paternity, adoption or sabbaticals? These are huge drivers, and to me, show that you care about your people. When taking a job, it’s as much about you doing your research on the company as it is about them doing the same on you.

Sharing the?news

Why is such a beautiful moment in your life so daunting to share? I mean, I wasn’t too nervous, I guess I was a little. One of my friends was petrified of telling her manager… what does that tell you about the manager?

There’s no manual that helps you when it comes to expecting a baby whether you’re a mom, a dad, or a team leader. But there’s power in sharing stories to helps others, and in this post, I hope to share some of my experiences through pregnancy, maternity and going back to work that’ll not only be useful for parents to be, parents to resonate, but leaders too.

Some managers have lead teams for years, but have never had to fill out paperwork and take on HR processes for a team member that’s expecting. And for some, their line managers are men, and it’s nice for them to hear from a be supported by another mom, so be that person.?

The moment you find out, you think, right how am I going to tell work? When do I do it? What do I say? Will this affect my career?

In my situation, I was a first time mom, that chose to keep it close until week 13. There’s no right or wrong time to do so, it’s your preference, and in some cases people have to share this earlier for many reasons. It could be that they have severe sickness and don’t feel they can ‘hide it’ or it could be for health and safety reasons. My boss thought I was telling him I was leaving, realised it wasn’t that, then we had a big hug ???. It was lovely. But for some, it’s totally opposite to that, and I don’t wish that upon anyone. So leaders, let’s react right in that moment.?

From there it was midwife appointments, doing a risk assessment every now and again ?? getting myself a smaller laptop (pro tip!) and all the stuff like:

• Trying to work out how much you’ll be paid to live on a month — this calculator is pretty good but only based on statutory (includes month breakdown and baby vaccinations!)?
• How you’ll handover your work and leave the team in a good place
• How long you’ll have off — what can you afford? what’s the expectation at your company (mine assumes 12 months)
• Holiday allowance — remember you can use this beginning and end, I did this and got to take 13.5 months off

Getting ready to step?away

Up to the point of leaving for maternity, through my entire career, I’d come across very few women that had a career and a family, partially because I’d worked in ‘tech’ where most people were either young or predominantly men, or didn’t share anything to let you know they’d been through it. I find more women now, than ever before that have kids, and people being more authentic and ‘bringing themselves to work’, or their kids into Teams calls, or photos from fun at the weekend. Even to the point, where we openly talk about kids and starting families, it’s not taboo in our team, or my presence at least.?

Finally, the day had arrived. Hitting inbox zero for the final time for a while felt good. Out of office on. A rule for all Jira alerts to go to junk and saying a final goodbye on Slack. Shutting down my laptop and logging off for a year was a big deal for me. I was like but will I keep up, will I forget things, will I be rubbish when I get back? I learnt in different ways, and they’re invaluable and I believe have made me a better person and leader. Life experience is very important, and previously, I’ve been in many young companies, so this experience has also shown me the value of non-work experience, and making sure that diversity focused on age and life experiences too.?

Getting ready to?return

Companies in the UK offer ‘keep in touch days’ (also know as KIT days), but they’re not mandatory. They are mutually agreed between you and your manager/company. So if you work for a company that doesn’t really value these, that’s a red flag in my opinion, and some friends didn’t get chance to do many of these, if any.?

You can do 10 of these days, and you’ll be paid for them — bonus, you can get back on ASOS now you’ve got some extra pennies coming in. Every company is different — whilst I could use this to catch up with people and plan in as and when suited me, some friends didn’t even get to have them. One friend in this situation, was the one that was made redundant at the end of her maternity leave and treated appallingly. This kind of behaviour is the reason why charities fighting to end the motherhood penalty such as Pregnant Then Screwed exist. (For those that care, my friend is totally smashing it her company and has been promoted since joining them ??).

Keeping in touch days will make you think about work — be prepared for?that.

You need to be ready to have the headspace for keep in touch after effects, as they will (100%) make your brain work overtime. So if you’re planning on doing them, make sure it’s when you’re ready to start thinking about work. I had a habit of doing mine on a Wednesday, it took me until at least Friday to switch off, which was sometimes annoying, but I knew it would benefit me on many levels, and I’d have mostly forgot everything by Saturday morning (baby brain is a genuine thing).

So, if you’re planning to do your KIT days, here’s some prompts:

• Get that bottle of wine ready — you’ll want a large glass of red at the end of the day ??
• You will feel like WTF ?? ♀? and that is completely normal
• Just F’ing Do It (JFDI) and don’t hold back — contact people you want to catch up with, explore opportunities (I met my now boss during a KIT day and here I am) ??
• Don’t try and be a hero and try to start things — use the time to get back into the lay of the land ?
• It’s okay to feel like you don’t want to go back to that company — polish yourself off, get your CV updated in this time — it’s a great exercise ??

Learning to be me again, at?work

Ten weeks after I returned, I moved teams, still product focused, but into the world of data, an area I’d wanted to move into for a few years before this happened, so it was a dream come true. It wasn’t easy, but my learning path relighted again, and that’s what keeps me happy.?

It was still pandemic time, and I was a lucky one. I came back to a job, and a company that was stable. I had a long maternity leave, and was supported financially for part of that by my employer, which in 2022, is still a topic of debate, not many companies are doing well here at all. And as for childcare, that’s got a long way to go.?

Working for a company that values people is very important if you want to start a family. I can recall people saying things like, if you’re good at your job you’ll be fine, they won’t get rid of you. And really, that’s rubbish. Yes it plays a part, but what I found from my experience, and others close to me at the time is that the company you work for must value its people and have the right support in place.?

Let me repeat that for those that skimmed it… the company you work for must value its people and have the right support in place for life experiences like starting a?family.

Your working?week

It’s different for everyone. Some people can’t afford to come back ‘part-time’, wow I hate that phrase. I work four days a week and I do not consider that ‘part-time’ at all. Anyway, you need to consider how you’ll come back. Some people do a phased return, using holiday to come back day two days a week for a month… others (like me) dive in for the four days a week from day one, and that suited me. I didn’t try and do five days in four. I was working from home, and doing four days a week. There’s the four-day week trial going on, and I’ve done four days a week for almost two years. I’m really happy with how it worked out, and I think it works, so let’s let everyone do it. I take Friday off, and on a Friday afternoon my team all write updates into a Slack channel, so Monday morning when I come online, I get a summary, and areas we need to focus on together which is mega helpful, and really makes me focus on what matters. This is a skill I can’t emphasise enough for everyone, but especially those coming back from maternity leave. If anything, this makes you get better, but it takes time, and you do have to say no to things, or that can wait.

I’m a big believer in flexibility, and in all my job posts when I’m hiring, chats/interviews, I make it super clear that I’m willing to be flexible, because this is what people need. Sadly, people are too afraid to ask, and end up sticking where they are because they worry they won’t get the flexibility they get in their current company. If you’re a hiring manager, and you’re not being flexible, you’ll miss out on the best people. Make it comfortable for them to ask to work flexibility, whether that’s the hours or days.?

After two(!) years back, here’s some reflections:

Firstly, I began writing this in 2021, and just finished this, late 2022. A recent post by Anna Whitehouse the founder of Mother Pukka made me come back to this, and I’m glad. So here’s some reflections:?

1. Celebrate the highs, the lows, the big, the small — every moment is special, it could be the first smile (which is really wind), or unblocking something that’s been an issue for the team for weeks — moments matter, and how you motivate yourself and others is important ??
2. Be open, you might help someone else — be proud to share what your teams are achieving in the open. In parenting, maybe this was when I was weaning and created some lovely dishes that my baby demolished (aka Janet the Gannet), to which I’d share them with the girls to cook up too ??
3. When it’s been a rough day, talk about it — the team you’re working in should trust one another, I can’t emphasise this enough. The best teams I’ve worked in know each other, they trust each other and in turn, they open up — good and bad. In parenting, talk to others. It is not an easy journey, you’re learning how to look after another person. Support is crucial. On mat leave I could cope with 67 WhatsApps from the mom group then, but now I have to ask for a summary (they’re all moms again, or expecting). We had each other, virtually as it was pandemic time, but that got us through! ??
4. Don’t sweat the small stuff —this is probably one of the biggest things I learnt, and teams often hear me say, nobody is going to die, what’s the worst that could happen. When you take time out for yourself or a family, you realise even more what’s important and what’s not. What can wait and what cannot. This is the difference between burn out and healthy working. Focus on what matters. Sometimes what matters is lying in bed until 11am with baby watching TV and soaking up the morning… or in work, it’s declining that meeting, or having no meeting days ?? ?

As I said, one of the lucky ones. Let’s be open, honest and real about life experiences, you might just help someone along the way. There’s a reason the likes of Pregnant Then Screwed and Mother Pukka exist, it’s a sad but these communities are helping so many.

Thanks for reading, I hope this was useful — I’d love to hear your experiences, drop a comment or message me.?