Taking Things Personally and Management

Reading time: 5 minutes

Introduction

Taking things personally in management is often a knee-jerk reaction rooted in the "fight" response of our defence mechanisms. The human brain is wired to ensure immediate response for protection, whether it is about physical or emotional protection. While in the modern corporate world, your physical integrity is in a majority of cases not in danger, it is not the same for your emotional safety. The human brain treats them similarly and, since it is about vital survival, it is designed to respond fast.

• Think about the following job-related situations and picture yourself as a manager subject to the following circumstances:
• Receipt of public criticism from superiors or peers
• Lack of acknowledgement or appreciation for achievements
• Micromanagement and lack of autonomy from your manager or some peers
• Negative workplace gossip or rumours
• Long lack of any direction, silence from your manager or collaborators
• Inconsistent feedback or unclear expectations
• Work-life balance conflicts and excessive work hours
• Discrimination or bias based on gender, age, or ethnicity
• Isolation or exclusion from key meetings and decisions
• Threats of job loss or demotion
• Unresolved conflicts with team members or other departments
• Having to deliver bad news to various stakeholders (eg. communicating project losses to your project director or a decision to fire or some negative feedback to your team members)

For the sake of personal safety (i.e. emotional safety), the human brain fires automatic responses for defence. Taking things personally is just one of these short-fuse automatic responses, where we discount the facts and listen and act based on the emotions or feelings triggered in us by our perception of what happened to us.

This modern manifestation of our primal instincts can emerge across all tiers of management, from junior to senior levels, each manifesting this response in nuanced scenarios reflective of their roles and pressures. We make assumptions about what people think or the meaning behind people’s actions, all the time. If in your past professional experience, you've been hurt, exposed or mistreated by other people managers or not, you're even more likely to take things personally in the present. You carry that past experience as an example of what you need to avoid or as an example of what you need to fence against, and this is why how you interpret the present through the glasses of what you want to avoid as if the present is already predestined to repeat the past and you have no power to shift direction having no other way to proceed further than repeating the past.

So let's assume you are a junior manager. For many years you worked with a very skilled technical expert who used to severely criticise the work he delegated to you. Now you have been nominated as a first-line manager yourself, and whenever your manager or other peer managers are providing you feedback on your or your team’s work, you view it as an attack on your competence, interpreting it as a personal affront rather than an objective assessment.

Or maybe you are a middle manager. You participate in an inter-departmental meeting and you make several very innovative suggestions that remain with no echo. You interpret it as a lack of respect, a sign of resistance or an attempt of having your authority undermined, rather than a normal part of collaborative deliberation.?

Those senior managers who did not learn how to deal with taking things too personally will also get triggered, for example in the strategic discussions, where challenges to their vision for the company are seen not as healthy discourse but as questioning their leadership and capabilities.

This defence mechanism activates because it serves a dual purpose: it provides a fleeting sense of vindication when feeling powerless. It positions the manager as a righteous victim in a narrative where their self-worth, character, or abilities are perceived to be under siege. "How dare they?" becomes the rallying cry to create a semblance of safety through offence. However, this mechanism, while offering short-term solace, ultimately erodes credibility and undermines one's position in management.?

By engaging in this pattern, managers inadvertently project their insecurities, seeking to control perceptions and blame others without confrontation, thereby damaging professional relationships and stunting personal growth.

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Managing Situations Without Taking Things Personally

Many managers feel there is a challenge in managing those moments when they perceive an attack is unleashed on them, and they start taking things personally. Three things help in that moment and we are going to review them herein:

(1) get clear about what can be controlled by you;

(2) create healthy boundaries;

(3) build a solid base on self-worth.

1. Get Clarity

Understanding what is in one’s control or not is paramount in management. Managers should focus on aspects within their control, such as their responses to feedback, decision-making processes, and personal development. Recognizing the distinction between what is within their control and what is not is crucial for effective leadership and personal growth.

What Managers Can Control:

• Their Responses to Feedback: Choosing to see feedback as a growth opportunity rather than a personal attack.
• Decision-Making Processes: Making informed, objective decisions based on the best available information.
• Personal Development: Investing in their skills, emotional intelligence, and resilience to become better leaders.
• Personal Learning: Actively seeking opportunities for self-improvement.
• The Tone of Communication: Setting a positive, clear communication style.
• Prioritization of Tasks: Focusing on what matters most for the team and personal objectives.
• Delegation: Deciding what tasks to delegate and to whom.
• Workplace Culture: Cultivating a supportive and inclusive environment.
• Conflict Resolution: How they manage and intervene in team disputes.
• Personal Boundaries: Maintaining a healthy work-life balance.
• Response to Failure: Viewing setbacks as learning opportunities.
• Team Motivation: Implementing strategies to keep the team engaged and motivated.

What Managers Cannot Control:

• Others' Perceptions and Actions: You cannot control how others perceive you or their actions towards you.
• The Outcome of Every Situation: Despite best efforts, the result may not always be as expected due to external factors.
• Others' Feelings: People's emotions and reactions are influenced by their personal experiences and contexts.
• Others' Reactions: People's emotional responses and feelings.
• Market Forces: Economic conditions and industry trends.
• Organizational Decisions: Decisions made at higher levels outside of their authority.
• Team Members' Personal Lives: External factors affecting employees' performance.
• Colleagues' Work Ethic: Individual commitment levels.
• Global Events: Unpredictable occurrences that impact operations.
• Customers' Perceptions: The public's opinion and reaction to products or services.
• Legislative Changes: New laws and regulations affecting the industry.
• Competitors' Actions: Strategies and movements of rival companies.
• Technological Disruptions: Innovations that change industry standards or practices.

Getting clear on what is within your control and what is not will enable you to invest your energy more wisely, and focus your efforts where you can truly make a difference. By doing so, you will foster a sense of empowerment and focus on actionable areas while accepting that some factors are beyond your influence.?

This understanding helps in reducing the tendency to take things personally, as it emphasizes personal agency and growth, rather than external validation or control over uncontrollable aspects. Furthermore, it fosters resilience, adaptability, and leadership effectiveness.

Often under the pressure of time, whenever managers are not aware of the nature of their thoughts and the assumptions they are making while interpreting the world around them, managers find it very difficult to not take it personally.?

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Click here to read the full content. You will also find:

• 10 examples of boundaries managers can adjust or set to be more effective in managing conflict of interest where they can put themselves without noticing
• 5 examples of self-reflective questions that help managers build confidence in their value and self-worth helping managers create different dynamics in their relationships, more balanced, allowing managers to understand where they should put their energy and focus instead of wasting it looking for external validation.
• an explanation of how the thinking saboteurs may interfere in managers' way of thinking, creating or maintaining perceptions, assumptions or conclusions that blur managers' clarity while entangling them emotionally, affecting their decision-making ability.

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Starting from very practical management and leadership objectives, Alina helps leaders identify the nature of their self-talk, neutralize and clean their narratives, address old assumptions or deeply seeded beliefs, see the reactions and impact they create within the systems they are part of, and empower them to decide and implement strategies for increased professional and personal performance, impact, motivation, clarity, focus, and thriving in all aspects of their life.