Taking risks in life? It's not about seeing if there's a net or a parachute to deploy before you jump, it's about learning to grow your own wings

I shared this story yesterday with someone who was in the struggle of how to show up, visible as their full selves - the doubt, the self criticism, the fear... you get the drill.

Grab a cuppa and have a read...

Picture, if you will, a sunny day in July, an eager (aged 40+) wannabe writer at a literary festival full of enthusiasm, sitting in a room of literary agents for children’s books, having submitted my short stories called?‘Fake News Fairy Tales.’?I took traditional fairy tales and told them from the viewpoint of a character that you have never heard of in the original tale. In these stories we heard from Mattress Mick, the mattress seller in?Princess and the Pea?and Amélie, the French cobbler who made the glass slipper for?Cinderella.

Under researched and overly enthusiastic I went from agent to agent peddling my wares. The first agent said my stories were?too confusing,?the second said my tales were?too unoriginal?and the third agent said that they were?just…?not worth the bother and to go back to my day job.

The story could have ended there. All over before it had really begun. Just a spoiler alert, this doesn’t end with me becoming the next Agatha Christie.

On that subdued train journey home, with my bag of nuts and drink from the M&S shop at the station in a plastic cup I thought, 'When do you hear from people who are in it, who are in the struggle and just muddling through the messiness of it all, because aren’t we all, somewhere in our lives, struggling through a bit of messiness?'

BUT we live in a world where the stories are filtered, where we don’t know what’s true and what’s not. Or we hear about people’s knock backs once someone has made it, like ‘Oh I may be a multi billionaire now with several films under my belt, but it wasn’t always like this you know’.

The only thing I filter, is my water...

To shake off my shame from TOTAL AND UTTER HUMILIATION of not getting an agent (they were very professional and kind, in reality) I wrote a poem full of my bitterness and jealousy:

BITTERNESS

I get it.

You’re clever.

Well done.

Whilst I swing my way through?

An obvious rhyme,

Your?

Deep meaning?

Brain steaming

Prize gleaming poems?

Last and last and last

On published paper...

In bookstores...

Approved by agents and editors...

And maybe a reader or two...

I didn’t want a book deal anyway.

I initially told myself:

‘Honestly, can’t these agents see that I am special and different?! I know most people here have rewritten their submissions over and over again and spent YEARS on perfecting their art but, seriously, my first drafts should be given a fair shot - can’t they SEE how brilliant they are?!’?

This is?PRIDE.

‘Who knew there is a clear definitive way of writing children’s fiction that is based on ages? They say that the protagonist of children’s fiction need to be?children?! Who made up these ridiculous rules?! Can’t they see that these tales are funny?! I’m breaking the mould!’?

This is?SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS.

'Just as I have finally given myself permission to write and put it out into the world! Oh I feel so vulnerable, so embarrassed at giving it a go. I know I shouldn’t have bothered. I’m useless.’?

This is?SELF PITY.

‘For God’s sake! Those agents were so young! What do they know? Have they any idea of what I have been through whilst they are obviously totally inexperienced in life. I HAVE BIRTHED THREE CHILDREN.’ (What the hell has that got to do with anything? This is how low I was swinging!)

This is?BEING JUDGMENTAL.

Now these are all perfectly human reactions. I’m not a total loser for having these reactions or thoughts. It’s all just murky thoughts lurking around in my head. It’s only a problem if I stay here.?

Writing the poem helped to shift my mood because it was gently poking fun at myself, whilst also acknowledging my, urm, bitterness.

If I stay stuck though, then I’m in trouble. No one is actually harmed by my bitterness other than me. Published writers are merrily signing their books to avid fans; insightful agents are signing up new writers who will make them a living; kids are reading books that are actually well written and understandable.

If I look at the scenario again, maybe there are things to learn about the art of writing or myself:

“Oh wow, everyone at this literary event seems to have really done their homework. Maybe I should think about who I am writing for, what I am trying to say, rather than assume that the world will be grateful for my contribution just because I like it.”

?This is?MODESTY.

‘I never realised that the children’s fiction market was so defined. Ages 0-5, 5-11 and young adults you say? The protagonist needs to be a couple of years older than the reader? Yes I will go and read more children's fiction and see how I can adapt my ideas if I want to get them to market.’

?This is?HUMILITY.

‘You know what. I know that some people like my work. Maybe I have just gone up a side street that wasn’t for me. Do I really want to write children’s fiction? No, what I want to do is keep on writing the poems I do. I love performing them when I perform at my local spoken word night. Maybe I should look into doing more of that.’

This is?SELF ESTEEM.

‘The whole reason that I came to meet these agents is because I respect the fact that they are successful in their field. I have little knowledge in this field. They may be saying no to me, but they are giving me good feedback and helpful information on how to succeed in this field if I want to continue.’

This is?GRATITUDE.

Defences come up because they help protect us from feelings the feelings that make us feel uncomfortable.

So how do I get in touch with the feelings that my defences are protecting because, you know, the healing is in the feeling.

I have to ask myself:

'Is there something about this current situation that is reminiscent of my past?’

Well what d’ya know? I was bringing some baggage with me to that festival. From what had happened in my past I was carrying shame about:

Having my voice heard.

Sharing my creativity.

Not being perfect.

This failure with the agents did not cause my shame. That was already there from hurtful episodes in my life when I had felt separate, alone and was not able to reckon that out with anyone.?

So there I am, disarming myself of my defences, facing my shame head on.?

Brené Brown describes this place as ‘The Wilderness’. Moments in our life, or even areas of our lives where we feel alone, vulnerable but where there is also a sense of purpose and meaning attached to what we are trying to do.

Moments that often feel like endings.

To get out of the Wilderness I had to reach out to people that I trust with my feelings, who could handle my shame talk, who can give me empathy. I now have people in my life who can offer empathy. I was going to write ‘luckily’ there, but actually, it’s not through luck. It’s through asking for help, through figuring out boundaries and learning how to be empathic myself. That has taken time and determination.?

What I learnt was that it wasn’t one particular person who could offer all the empathy I needed. I went a writer friend to help heal my writer disillusionment, another to heal old stories about not being perfect and a performance coach about trying to find my authentic voice.

When I came home from that literary festival, after I had written the poem about Bitterness, felt sorry for myself for an afternoon (my pity pause, not pity party) and reached out to those who ‘got it’, I had the idea of doing a show. I didn’t realise it at the time, but it was my antidote to the shame I had carried about not having my voice heard, sharing my creativity and not being perfect.

?I decided to write a one woman show called ‘Light in Life’s Shadows’. I did it as part of my neighbourhood’s arts festival and I had a SOLD OUT SHOW! Okaaaay, if I’m being totally legit, there were only 45 seats and I knew A LOT of people in the audience…but you know, the expert in anything was once a beginner right? And I’ll take that as a great beginning.

And that beginning is growing. Two years later, I wrote and performed another show, and this time sold 100 tickets and I then took it on to perform at the Edinburgh festival… receiving a 4.5/5 star review! I even went on to publish this show as a poetry collection called ‘Stop the world.

The loss isn't in the rejections and the times we don't get it right. The loss is not getting up and trying again because of the running scripts from our past.

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Hi, ???? my name is Jacky Power I am an addiction specialist and poet and I offer a programme of Discovery and Recovery called Feeling Freedom for those loving someone with an addiction.

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