Taking it Personally to Curiosity Plus Brain Techniques!

This was a life changer for me where I changed the narrative - from taking it Personally to Curiosity.

To shift the narrative from "taking it personally" to "curiosity," you can reframe your mindset by viewing interactions or criticisms not as a reflection of your worth, but as opportunities to learn or understand. Want to know how?

Instead of thinking:

• "They don’t like me or value me" (personal),

Try thinking:

• "I wonder what’s motivating their reaction" (curiosity).

This shift opens up space for understanding and growth. By being curious, you're able to ask questions, gather insights, and explore possibilities without attaching your identity to the outcome or the behaviour of others. It builds resilience by helping you stay open and non-reactive, while still being engaged and compassionate.

Love some Powerful Tips?

Here are a few tips to help shift from "taking it personally" to embracing curiosity:

1. Pause Before Reacting: When you feel hurt or defensive, take a deep breath before responding. This brief pause helps you step out of the emotional response and into a more curious mindset.
2. Ask Questions, Don’t Assume: Instead of assuming negative intent, ask clarifying questions like, “Can you help me understand what you meant by that?” or “What’s your perspective on this?” This opens a dialogue rather than shutting it down.
3. Reframe the Story: If you catch yourself thinking “They’re attacking me,” reframe the narrative. Consider, “What might be going on in their life that’s leading them to act this way?” or “What could I learn from this situation?”
4. Practice Empathy: Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Understanding their perspective might help you realise their actions or words have less to do with you and more to do with their own experiences or struggles.
5. Focus on Growth: Instead of seeing feedback or conflict as a personal failure, view it as a chance to grow. What can this teach you about yourself, your communication style, or your leadership?
6. Let Go of Control: Remember, you can’t control others' actions or feelings—only your own. Instead of trying to manage how others treat or perceive you, focus on staying true to yourself.
7. Separate Fact from Feeling: Challenge any negative assumptions by separating your feelings from the facts. You might feel hurt, but what are the actual facts of the situation? Is there an alternative explanation?
8. Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. If you slip and take something personally, recognize it’s natural and practice self-compassion. Curiosity thrives in a space where you're gentle with your own process.

Let's Talk Neuroscience!

The shift from taking things personally to embracing curiosity involves significant changes in how our brain processes information, and neuroscience provides a fascinating explanation for this transformation. Here's an overview of the relevant brain functions and mechanisms:

1. Amygdala: The Emotional Center

When you take things personally, your brain’s amygdala is activated. This small region in the brain is responsible for processing emotions, especially fear and threats. If someone’s words or actions feel like a personal attack, your amygdala triggers the “fight-or-flight” response, making you defensive, anxious, or angry.

• Impact: You respond emotionally and impulsively, focusing more on protecting your ego than on the broader context of the situation.

2. Prefrontal Cortex: The Executive Center

Curiosity, on the other hand, involves activating the prefrontal cortex—the area of the brain responsible for higher-order thinking, such as reasoning, decision-making, and emotional regulation. When you shift into curiosity, your prefrontal cortex helps you analyse situations from a more logical, detached perspective.

• Impact: The prefrontal cortex helps override emotional impulses from the amygdala, allowing you to approach situations with openness and a problem-solving mindset.

3. Neuroplasticity: Rewiring Thought Patterns

Repeatedly taking things personally can become a habit that your brain reinforces. However, the brain's neuroplasticity—its ability to form new connections and pathways—enables you to rewire your responses over time. When you consciously choose curiosity over defensiveness, your brain begins to create new neural pathways that favor thoughtful inquiry over reactive emotions.

• Impact: With practice, curiosity can become your brain’s default response, replacing defensive reactions with exploration and openness.

4. Dopamine: The Reward System

Curiosity engages the brain’s dopamine system. Dopamine is often called the “feel-good” neurotransmitter and is released when you encounter something novel or satisfying. When you adopt a curious mindset, your brain is rewarded with dopamine, reinforcing the behavior. This creates a positive feedback loop where you seek more opportunities for curiosity because they feel rewarding.

• Impact: Curiosity becomes intrinsically motivating, helping you approach challenges with eagerness instead of dread.

5. Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation

Mindfulness practices, which strengthen the anterior cingulate cortex (responsible for emotional regulation) and hippocampus (involved in memory and learning), can help you shift from taking things personally to curiosity. Mindfulness teaches you to observe your emotions without getting swept away by them, allowing you to respond rather than react.

• Impact: Practicing mindfulness increases your ability to stay calm, recognize your emotional state, and choose curiosity over defensiveness.

6. Vagal Tone and Emotional Resilience

The vagus nerve plays a role in emotional regulation and resilience. High vagal tone is associated with greater emotional stability and the ability to recover from stress quickly. When you practice curiosity, especially in challenging situations, you activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms the body and increases vagal tone.

• Impact: Improved vagal tone helps you maintain emotional balance, making it easier to stay curious and non-reactive.

Practical Takeaways:

• Train Your Brain: Repeatedly choosing curiosity activates your prefrontal cortex and strengthens new neural pathways, making it easier to avoid emotional overreactions.
• Mindfulness and Reflection: Practices like meditation help build emotional regulation, allowing your brain to respond with curiosity rather than reactivity.
• Dopamine Reward: The brain’s reward system encourages curiosity by releasing dopamine, making this mindset shift both pleasurable and sustainable.

Here are some neuroscience-based techniques to help you shift from taking things personally to adopting a more curious mindset:

1. Mindful Pausing (Amygdala Regulation)

When you feel emotionally triggered or defensive, the amygdala hijacks your response, often leading to overreaction. To counter this:

• Technique: When something triggers you, take a few deep, slow breaths. This engages your parasympathetic nervous system (calming your body) and helps regulate your amygdala’s emotional response.
• Practice: Inhale deeply for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, and exhale for 4 seconds. Repeat this a few times before responding.

This small pause interrupts your automatic emotional reaction and gives your prefrontal cortex time to engage.

2. Reframing (Engage the Prefrontal Cortex)

Reframing is a powerful cognitive technique that involves consciously changing the way you interpret a situation, activating the prefrontal cortex.

• Technique: When faced with criticism or negative feedback, mentally ask yourself, “What is another way I could look at this?” Instead of thinking, “They don’t respect me,” try thinking, “Maybe they’re stressed or have a different perspective. What can I learn from this?”
• Practice: Regularly practice reframing in everyday conversations. This strengthens your prefrontal cortex’s ability to reason and regulate emotions.

3. Curiosity Journaling (Neuroplasticity and Reflection)

Curiosity journaling helps rewire the brain by making curiosity a habit through reflection.

• Technique: At the end of each day, write down any situations where you felt defensive or took something personally. Then, journal about how you could have approached the situation with curiosity. What could you have asked or explored?
• Practice: Ask questions like, “What was their perspective?”, “What could I learn from this?”, or “How can I stay open next time?”

This strengthens the neural pathways associated with curiosity and openness, helping you rewire thought patterns over time.

4. Loving-Kindness Meditation (Increase Vagal Tone)

Loving-kindness meditation activates the vagus nerve, which helps regulate your emotional responses and increases compassion.

• Technique: Sit in a quiet space and silently repeat phrases like, “May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be peaceful.” Then, extend those wishes to others, including people you may have had difficult interactions with: “May they be happy, may they be peaceful.”
• Practice: Try this for 5-10 minutes daily. Research shows that practicing loving-kindness meditation improves emotional resilience, making it easier to respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

5. Curiosity Self-Talk (Dopamine Boost)

Self-talk rewires your brain by consciously choosing thoughts that evoke curiosity rather than defensiveness.

• Technique: When something feels personal, ask yourself empowering questions like:“What can I learn from this?”“What’s driving their behavior?”“How can I stay open to possibilities?”

This not only engages your prefrontal cortex but also releases dopamine, the brain’s reward chemical, which reinforces the curious mindset.

6. Body Scan Meditation (Emotional Regulation)

Body scan meditation helps you develop emotional awareness and intercept defensive reactions before they escalate.

• Technique: Lie down or sit in a comfortable position. Starting from your toes, slowly scan each part of your body, paying attention to sensations. When you notice tension, breathe into that area and release it. This practice calms the nervous system and helps you recognize emotional triggers before reacting.
• Practice: Do a 5-10 minute body scan when you feel emotionally triggered or at the start of your day.

7. Active Listening (Empathy and Prefrontal Cortex Activation)

Curiosity flourishes when you listen deeply to others without judgment, allowing your brain to stay engaged rather than reactive.

• Technique: Practice listening to others without interrupting, judging, or planning your response. As you listen, ask open-ended questions like, “Can you tell me more?” or “How do you feel about that?” This helps you stay curious and calm while learning more about their perspective.
• Practice: Apply this in daily conversations, especially in challenging interactions. This activates the brain’s empathy centers and fosters understanding.

8. Gratitude Practice (Dopamine and Emotional Shift)

Gratitude shifts your focus from negativity and threat to appreciation, which enhances emotional resilience.

• Technique: Whenever you feel hurt or defensive, pause and reflect on three things you’re grateful for in the situation. For instance, “I’m grateful for the opportunity to practice patience,” or “I’m thankful for the chance to learn from this interaction.”
• Practice: Regular gratitude practice boosts dopamine and strengthens positive neural connections, making it easier to shift away from taking things personally.

9. Visualisation (Rewiring Thought Patterns)

Visualisation helps the brain practice new responses by mentally rehearsing curious and non-reactive behaviour.

• Technique: Visualise a recent situation where you took something personally. Then, replay the scenario in your mind but imagine yourself responding with curiosity instead of defensiveness. What questions would you ask? How would you stay open?
• Practice: Spend 5 minutes each day visualizing yourself handling challenges with curiosity. Visualisation has been shown to create new neural pathways that influence behaviour.

10. Sleep and Rest (Prefrontal Cortex Function)

A well-rested brain is more capable of emotional regulation and thoughtful responses. Lack of sleep impairs the prefrontal cortex, making it harder to stay curious and calm.

• Technique: Prioritise getting 7-9 hours of sleep each night. Practice good sleep hygiene by maintaining a regular sleep schedule and creating a calming bedtime routine.
• Practice: Incorporate relaxation techniques, like deep breathing or light stretching, before bed to ensure quality sleep.

By practicing these techniques regularly, you’ll gradually retrain your brain to respond with curiosity instead of defensiveness, leading to a more empowered and resilient approach to interactions.

Mum to an extraordinary daughter!

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Passionate about Mental Well-Being, especially teenagers

Teacher, Speaker and Writer on everything kindness, leadership, and courage

Coach and mentor to as many exceptional people as possible.

Extraordinary Commitment to building great future leaders and women in leadership.

She loves creating incredible, great cultures, teams and leaders.

Finally, the CEO, leader, and founder of the companies LeadershipHQ , The Leadership Collective , Outstanding Leadership Awards, and an extraordinary team.

Named as one of the Top 250 Influential Women in the world and Top 100 Australian Entrepreneurs by Richtopia, and is internationally recognised as an expert in leadership and culture, organisational development, kindness, and courage, as well as workplace diversity and the neuroscience of leadership.

She has over 30 years of experience in human resource management, leadership, and organisational development and has held leadership positions worldwide. Today, Sonia and her team have worked with thousands of leaders, teams, and organisations, building outstanding leadership and cultures.

Sonia has written several books on leadership, including Leadership Attitude, Just Rock It!, and First Comes Courage. She writes regularly for publications such as The Australian, HRD Magazine, BBC Capital, and Business Insider. She has also spoken on stage for AHRI, HRD Magazine, and many other leading global?HR platforms and conferences.