Taking 'No' Off The Table

By Steven Budgen

As humans we display behaviour's that are quite frankly, primitive. We are selfish in our requests; we ask for things because we want them, and we think very little about how the other person is feeling or their fundamental needs. When we ask for things, the other person is simply primed to say ‘No.’

To understand why we need to look at basic instincts. All animals function to some degree on instinct. From the tiniest ant, to the largest elephant, to the most intelligent human; we all are inherently inclined to perform certain behaviour's. It's simply hard-wired into our brains.

The simplest form of instinct is a fixed action pattern. This is an innate behaviour that is triggered by a stimulus and once initiated will run to completion. One of the best-known examples is the behaviour of the nesting Graylag Goose. If an egg is displaced from the nest, the bird will instinctively roll the egg back to the nest with its beak. However, it was discovered even if the egg is removed during the behaviour. The goose will simply continue with the behaviour as if the egg was still there.

Humans are also born with basic instinctual behaviour's. For example, a newborn infant will instinctively grab on to any object that is given to them. In addition, newborns have been found to grasp hair more firmly than other objects. This is possibly an evolutionary remnant of behaviour just as monkeys are hard-wired to hold on tight to their furry mothers.

So Why Are We Hardwired To Say No?

It's likely that we are unaware of the surge of strength we draw from ‘No’.

A ‘No’ acknowledges personal responsibility. It says that while each of us interacts with others, loves, respects and values those relationships, we cannot allow ourselves to be influenced by them. The strength we draw from saying ‘No’ develops as we navigate our way through to maturity. It emphasizes that the buck stops here.

‘No’ is the gatekeeper that we use to maintain a barrier around the perimeter of one’s self. No says, "This is who I am; this is what I value; this is what I will and will not do; this is how I will choose to act.”

The primal instinct to say ‘No’ also evolves through life, beginning with the primitive No’s of our childhood. Anyone that has ever tried to feed a toddler will know that the moment you try to spoon feed them anything that they haven’t seen before they will yell at you “Nooooo I won’t eat this”. This primitive powerful ‘No’ is the original assertion of the self against the other. For the rest of our days we are challenged to find a more appropriate way to draw that line, but it never disappears.

What if you could find a way to use a trigger to set off a desirable sequence of behaviour in a potential customer, a friend, a colleague and appeal to them to say ‘YES’ to a request you make? This is not manipulation or a guise to get people to do things that wouldn’t be in their best interests but more about lowering barriers, understanding people and building rapport to snap us out of our cave dwelling behaviour's.

This is some ways we may be able to take ‘NO’ off the table:

1. Figure Out What Others Want & Need

I want to take an example here that everyone can identify with. Its Christmas eve and your son desperately wants to stay up a bit later to watch a movie. It is passed his bedtime so the father suggests “Son I think you should go to bed because when you stay up late you wake up cranky and irritable”. The son cunningly replies, “Well I could go to bed now but you don’t want me jumping on your bed at 6am begging you open my presents, do you?” He framed his request appealing to his father’s desire to have a lie-in the morning and was permitted to stay up an extra hour to watch his favourite movie. This child’s tactic of leading with his father’s self-interest led to his successful result. So figure out what others want first and consider why the customer or stakeholder would be interested and then appeal to their greater goals and passions in life, and make them truly feel that you are offering them something that is going to really help to achieve what they want. It might be money, it might be time, it might be convenience, or it may be a massage of an ego, but everybody is different.

It’s important not to tell anyone what they need but instead guide them by asking poignant questions to help them in self-discovery. The power of this is many magnitudes higher when people come to the realization themselves. How you appeal to this will differentiate you and take the power away from the word ‘NO’.

2. Obtain Small Commitments Before Asking For Larger Ones

We are motivated to remain consistent in our attitudes, words and actions. So, when we are led to make a commitment of some kind, there is an desire to remain consistent with that original commitment at a later stage. The key is to get the initial commitment, which can be small, reasonable, and innocent. An examples could be another meeting, or to conduct a small consultancy exercise or to even commit to the time it takes to conduct a free trial of your service. Asking for a little ‘YES’ first, can break down psychological walls that give you a fairer shot at receiving a larger ‘YES’. This is sometimes called the ‘foot in the door’ technique.

3.  Social Validation

Most of us require social validation on things we do. We look to others for guidance, especially when we are uncertain about something. We ask questions to colleagues about what they think about something, what our competitors are doing, how a product makes them feel and we often make our decisions based upon that. We drastically reduce the opportunity of the other person saying ‘No’, if there is social proof that what you are offering is going to be well perceived. This is why we do client testimonials, a boss may ask people in different departments who may have worked with an employee in the running for an internal promotion what they think about them and is why we show pictures in our advertisements of people using our companies products. 

4.  Ensuring your Likeable

We as humans have a basic need to feel liked. We are always more likely to say ‘Yes’ to those people we have developed relationships with and if you truly like them as a person. Always try to be personal and likable. This is one element of selling that most people know instinctively, but often fail to put into action. Show your feelings. Tell a story that prospects can relate to. Use empathy and praise. Present your message in such a way that you are not just selling something but working with others as a fellow flawed person with common problems, concerns, and goals.

5. Do Things For Others Without Expecting a Return - You May Well Be Surprised.

Its important to do things for others. But I think people genuinely look through those that perform a task and are expecting reciprocation. So generally, I always go down the route of being a good person first and helping people out. We all have expertise in certain areas and our companies can offer things for free in certain circumstances (brochures, free reports etc). These types of gestures are preserved for a long time in peoples minds. Never underestimate the power of being kind. Not all people will reciprocate but certainly many do and will do wonders for your either yours or company’s reputation and credibility.

6. Create Scarcity

In general, the fear of loss is more powerful than the hope of gain. By engaging the instinctive tendency to avoid losing something or avoid losing the chance to possess something desirable you can trigger a ‘YES’ response with scarcity. Create time limits and limited availability. Use limited availability by mentioning how fast your product is selling or how many items remain. After all, let’s face it we were all raised to want things we can’t have.

When you take ‘NO’ off the table, the only other response is ‘YES’. If you find your techniques are coming up against an impenetrable wall, take comfort in an Old-World curse: “May you get what you want”.