Taking Off the Mask with Your Team: Pro Considerations
Mandy Barbee Lanier, M.A.
CEO @ Palladium | We help teams grow stronger together. Author / Veteran
I talk with a lot of leaders who want to have more real, more powerful conversations with their teams.
Not only do they personally desire greater congruence between their true self and the persona they portray in the context of their work, but they also know the value these conversations could have for their team long-term is hard to quantify. Greater risk, greater reward – the difference between good and great.
But then, the fears arise:
Where’s the line? What’s appropriate to discuss?
What if I make them uncomfortable? What if I get uncomfortable?
If I open up some of the conversations I know are really needed, where will it take us then?
What if I’m not ready for that dimension of these relationships?
How will we get back inside the box after we step outside of it?
When these fears come up, it’s common for the leader to lump them all together and reduce them to a single, simple question in their mind:
Am I willing to be [courageous / honest / fill in the blank], or not?
But this simplification is not helpful at all. It can make it appear like they have two options: open the door to more vulnerable conversations at work NOW, or fail to live their own values out. When in reality, these fears are extremely reasonable and important concerns, aren’t they? ?
The hesitation team leaders can experience in sharing more of themselves and initiating two-way transparency with their team is often very prudent, and is a reflection of many different variables and risks, not just one.
If this is the evolutionary gate you, too, face as a leader right now, there are four different practical conversations you need to have with yourself first in order to know how to proceed.
These conversations are about intention, boundaries, skill, and professional scope. We’re going to focus on the fourth today and only touch on the first three.
1. Intention
The first conversation is about intention. What do you ideally want to happen?
Typically people want two things: they want to help their people, and do right by them. This is a balance between the part of us that wants to take risks, and the part of us that wants to take smart risks – bold and pioneering versus conservative and smart.
2. Boundaries
The second conversation is about boundaries. Where is that line between things I am prepared to discuss, and those I’m not?
Clarifying the range of things you are open to discuss, versus those you are not –
When do you want to listen – and where? How much time do you have, how involved do you want to get?
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Once you know the answers to these questions, and feel confident you can uphold your boundaries, the quality of conversations you have with others will improve on its own.
3. Skill
The third conversation is about a skill called space holding.
Holding space is an ability and a choice to center another’s experience and support them non-judgmentally, without compromising your own sense of self and boundaries.?
How comfortable are you when someone becomes misty-eyed in front of you? What about if someone becomes angry with you? What do you do when someone’s afraid? The answers to these questions directly relate to how much emotional range you feel within yourself!
The great news is that if you choose to develop this skill, it is something you can improve on for the rest of your life, and it will be one of the most rewarding things you do.
4. Professional Scope
Fourth and finally is a conversation about professional scope, or “scope of role.”
I’m choosing to dive deeper into professional scope today because, unlike boundaries and space holding, clarifying the scope of topics you want to and can effectively help people with is something we can cover fairly completely within this one newsletter.
It’s also a consideration that everyone will brush up against at some point – from the most seasoned of us to the most green. What I mean by this is, even those who are rock solid on the first three conversations of intention, boundaries, and space holding will at some point enter terrain where they aren’t qualitied to help the person they’re speaking with. That's when we know that an expert is needed. And when we know who the expert is for any given context, there’s no problem. If someone’s sick, we refer to a doctor. If someone wants financial advice, we suggest they get a licensed professional involved. If someone needs religious counsel – they will naturally meet with their clergy, pastor, guru, rabi, imam, etc.
The problem arises when we don’t know what expert handles that issue. Funnily enough – that’s the same reason why the other person is struggling with this issue in the first place – the system doesn’t address it well, and they don’t know where to get help. This is how you can be a true hero.
If you really care to know what’s going on in people’s lives, and you’ve created enough rapport and trust with them that they are comfortable and willing to share that with you, you’re already in the top 10th percentile of leaders.
Referring them to someone who can help will be like knocking it out of the park.
Having that someone on contract to support your team professionally is a grand slam.
? A simple rule or guideline you can follow is this:
If professionals support a certain issue full-time, it might serve the individual better and leverage everyone’s time and expertise to refer them rather than talk through it in depth. You can handle the conversation as simply as if you knew they needed to see a doctor.
My name is Mandy, and I’m a performance coach and expert in team transformation. Business Intangibles. is a newsletter focused on helping you understand the non-physical forces in business, and use them to your advantage.
Recognizing the underlying reasons for your team’s current levels of performance gives you full control over your collective destiny. Growth switches from arithmetic to geometric, and you become a true ally in your team members’ life success.?
This newsletter can help you:
Check out my book, The Enjoyment Gap, at this link – available in Audible, paperback, and Kindle. You may also explore tools and resources here at this link. I want to provide value, connect, and support you in your journey however I can.
Mandy